Oh No, Russia Just Sanctioned Hillary Clinton, Whatever Will She Do

This afternoon President Joe Biden announced $800 million in new aid to Ukraine, which as CNN notes brings us up to a grand total of a full bill announced this week. There will be more Stinger missiles, more Javelins, more of what Ukraine needs. There will also be armed drones and 20 million rounds of ammo and a whole bunch of other shit. It won't be the no-fly zone or the fighter jets Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy is begging for, but it's more. There may be more help coming with the S-300 anti-aircraft systems Zelenskyy wants, which NATO allies in Eastern Europes have. But that's still unclear.

Meanwhile, the European Union has announced a whole new passel of sanctions, involving Russian energy investments, luxury exports, steel imports and more.

But did you know Vladimir Putin can also too do sanctions, and just totally did? Guess who's crying now!

As the original tweeter points out, all of these people are now banned from using their very valuable Russian bank accounts or their Siberian beach resorts. These restrictions could make it more difficult next time Hillary tries to do a false-flag Russian collusion to steal an election from herself.

The list is pretty hilarious, though. It's not just Hillary plus Joe Biden and other members of his administration. It's also Hunter Biden, because we guess Russia watches too much Fox News (or whatever clips of Fox News their media is playing 24/7), therefore the powers that be in the Kremlin are under the mistaken impression that Hunter Biden is some big important guy in America.

Good luck scoring deal on new laptop from Leonid's House Of Laptops, Hunter! Thriving Russian retail market closed to you!

The Russian Foreign Ministry whined in a statement that it had to do these sanctions because the White House is being "extremely Russophobic" lately, we guess by not being OK with Russia indiscriminately murdering Ukrainian babies. And they say they're gonna do some more sanctions! Oh no, will all our Russian credit cards stop working? Will we even be allowed to buy sexxxy Russian cars?

The Biden White House responded to the sanctions by laughing at them:

“I’d first note that President Biden is a ‘junior,’ so they may have sanctioned his dad, may he rest in peace,” [press secretary Jen] Psaki said.


“None of us are planning tourist trips to Russia and none of us have bank accounts we won’t be able to access, so we will forge ahead.”

We are trying to come up with an American this might upset and all we can come up with is "maybe Donald Trump?" We dunno, does Michael Flynn have a free checking account at Sberbank? We're just asking.

The Washington Post attempts to contextualize this, explaining that "The probably ineffectual nature of the Russian sanctions underscores," but we're just going to cut off that sentence in the middle, because what it underscores is that Russia isn't a real country. The entire nation is a Potemkin village, a gas station with its own zip code. Literally just now on MSNBC they noted that the Russian stock market hasn't even opened in the past three weeks.

That's why everybody is laughing at these sanctions.

As the old expression, goes, if Russia sanctions a bear in the woods, does the bear even notice, or does it just keep shitting next to the tree that just fell on the pope?

That's what we thought.


[Washington Post]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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