Hey guess what! We know why Donald Trump fired acting Director of National Intelligence Joseph Maguire this week and felt the need to install the stupidest dipshit loyalist he knows, Ambassador to Germany Ric Grenell, a guy who couldn't find "intelligence" with his ass and both hands, as acting DNI immediately, even though Maguire was out the door next month, as mandated by law.

RUSSIA, IF YOU'RE LISTENING? OH, YOU ARE!

The House Intelligence Committee got a briefing one week ago, on February 13, where an agent of the DNI -- Trump's DNI, not "Obama People" DNI, not the Deep State that tried to sound the alarm in the months before the 2016 election -- told them that Russia is working its yaytsa (THAT MEANS BALLS) off to re-elect Donald Trump, and that this is the conclusion of "multiple intelligence agencies," according to the New York Times, just like it was in 2016. And Trump found out about it. (The briefing. We are sure he already knew Russia was IF YOU'RE LISTENING.) And he is maaaaaad. (That Democrats found out. Not that Russia yet again is attacking our democracy for his benefit, he LOVES that.)


The Daily Beast reports on the top-line news here:

"It continues with the same target, and the same purpose, and it's clear that they [the Russians] favor one candidate over the other," is how the lawmaker [described the message of the briefing.]

The Times adds that Russia "intends to interfere with the ongoing Democratic primaries as well as the general election," because everything is 2016 all the time, but worse. Additional information imparted in the briefing had to do with Russia getting more sophisticated in its attacks, making different uses of social media, and also hacking Iran in order to make it look like Russian election attacks on America are coming from Iran, according to the NSA.

Trump's BIG MAAAAAAD was first reported by the Washington Post this afternoon, which said Trump lost it at Maguire after he found out about the briefing "from a GOP ally." Take your pick which taint-licking Russia-protecting GOP congressman that was. (Maybe it goes "moo," maybe it doesn't.) (UPDATE: CALLED IT. It goes "moo." ALLEGEDLY!)

Trump, numbnuts moron that he is, got the impression that the briefer from the DNI's office, Shelby Pierson, had only given the briefing to Intel Committee chair Adam Schiff, because that's ... totally not how these things work, but go off, President Jackass! He was also worried that if the public found out, it would help the Democrats, we guess because of how the Democrats are the only major political party in America that DOES NOT win elections via Russian reacharounds.

The Times, confirming and following up on the Post's reporting, said Trump stayed mad that Schiff was even present for the briefing, because Trump, again, doesn't understand how shit works, and that the Gang Of Eight is always supposed to be equally read into these things. Moreover, Trump has zero respect for the rule of law and doesn't think Democrats are legitimate elected officials. PLUS, Schiff treason paraphrased Trump's perfect call with the president of Ukraine, which Trump feels really gave Americans the wrong idea about him hitting up Ukraine for election-stealing assistance.

Point is, we can imagine a number of reasons why Trump couldn't handle Schiff being present for that briefing.

Also this:

Mr. Trump complained that Mr. Schiff would "weaponize" the intelligence about Russia's support for him.

By saying out loud that Russia was trying to steal another one for him? Because it's never been a hoax, it's never been a Witch Hunt, it's never been a Deep State conspiracy, and Democrats have been telling the truth about this from Day Fucking One? Because Robert Mueller was right when he told Congress Russia had committed a "sweeping and systematic" attack on the 2016 election to help steal it for Trump, that they're up in our shit right now, and that they'd come back even stronger in 2020? By pointing out that literally all the impeachment witnesses -- Trump's appointees! -- said the same thing?

We are just spitballing ways Schiff would "weaponize" that information.

Anyway, despite what Dipshit up there initially misunderestimated about the meeting, Intel committee Republicans were there too. Devin Nunes was there. The Times and the Daily Beast have some more insight on how it was inside the room, and how Republicans reacted. SPOILER, those mouthbreathers have been telling themselves lies so long they don't even know what the truth is anymore. How DARE reality not line up with their preconceived notions and misconceptions? IT IS A OUTRAGE.

GOP Rep. Chris Stewart of Utah, the abject moron who was and maybe still is one of Trump's top choices for the official DNI position (Ric Grenell says he's only going to be in the position for a little bit, and that Trump will be nominating a real person soon), was apparently just a real pain in the ass, as was idiot podiatrist Rep. Brad Wenstrup of Ohio, who always looks like he just got caught pooping in the shower.

Here's the Daily Beast:

"The Republicans [on the committee] went nuts," over Pierson's presentation, the member told The Daily Beast. A second source familiar with the briefing said that Republicans didn't understand why the Kremlin would try to boost Trump, since he had been so tough on Russia, in their view. Reps. Brad Wenstrup (R-OH), Will Hurd (R-TX) and Chris Stewart (R-UT) [...] were particularly vocal in their skepticism, [a committee member] said.

Will Hurd, what the hell has happened to you? Ugh, anyway.

But do you see what we mean about them believing their own lies? Personally, we do not know what kind of paint one must snort to actually believe Trump has been tough on Russia or that Trump is concerned about actual corruption in Ukraine or that Trump is not at best Vladimir Putin's bestest little useful fucking idiot, but anyway, here's more Chris Stewart, from the Times:

Mr. Stewart insisted that Mr. Trump has aggressively confronted Moscow, providing anti-tank weapons to Ukraine for its war against Russian-backed separatists and strengthening the NATO alliance with new resources, according to two people briefed on the meeting.

Mr. Stewart declined to discuss the briefing but said that Moscow had no reason to support Mr. Trump.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha oh my fuckin' god, HOW CAN YOU BE THAT STUPID AND MAKE IT THROUGH YOUR DAY WITHOUT INJURING YOURSELF?

"I'd challenge anyone to give me a real-world argument where Putin would rather have President Trump and not Bernie Sanders," the nominal Democratic primary front-runner, Mr. Stewart said in an interview.

We dunno, is Putin Bernie's daddy and does Bernie obey him when he gives orders? Does Bernie believe everything Putin says like it is gospel, even when it requires him to go against American intelligence agencies? Has Bernie been slobbering over Putin's man nipples for YEARSFUCKINGYEARS now?

No? Then we guess Chris Stewart should shut his tiny butthole mouth.

Anyway, WOW. This is a lot of information for a Thursday night! And it's just going to keep coming between now and the morning.

We knew this was happening. We knew it was happening when it was reported that Russia had hacked Burisma, the Ukrainian energy company, probably looking for dirt to gin up on the Bidens. We knew it when Mueller said it was happening. We knew it all the times FBI director Chris Wray said it's happening.

IT'S HAPPENING.

This time around, though, Putin's boy is president of the United States.

Strap in, y'all. It's going to take all of us to make sure we have a free and fair election in November.

[New York Times / Daily Beast]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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