Donate
Russia

Master Of Disguise! Wonkagenda For Thurs., Nov. 15, 2018

Trump is a lunatic, Nancy Pelosi prepares for battle, and Facebook really shits the bed. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

Keep reading... Show less
Russia

Let's Throw A Bunch Of Sh*t At The Wall And Call It The Trump-Russia #SMOKINGGUN

Ready for a DEEP DIVE into Russian fuckery, the likes of which we have only done several times in the past? LET'S DO THIS.

Monday night, we posted a hilarious and wonderful internet article outlining all the reasons we think some sorts of big moves are coming from Robert Mueller very very soon, probably as soon as this week. At almost the exact same time we hit publish, wingnut crazypants moron-ass conspiracy theorist Jerome Corsi went live on his Tumblr to say Mueller had told him last week he was going to be indicted for saying perjuries to the FBI.

It. Was. OMGLOLWTF.

Keep reading... Show less
Russia

Everyone Is 'You're Fired.' Wonkagenda For Wed., Nov. 14, 2018

Trump has locked himself in his room, an alt-right nutjob is arrested, and Nancy Pelosi gets ready for war. Your morning news brief.

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

Keep reading... Show less
Russia

Kellyanne Conway Knows Who Is An Idiot, And It Is Her Husband

Oh boy.

Hello Wonks! With cabinet members getting terminated by Trump faster than his likely (ALLEGED!) unprotected sex induced pregnancies, we figured we'd check in with Kellyanne Conway, who will never leave, to see what she's been up to the past couple of days. Spoiler: she thinks her husband is an idiot.

Conway made multiple appearance on the Sunday shows to spin the "truth" on Trump's replacement of Confederate Keebler Elf Jeff Sessions ...

Keep reading... Show less
Elections

Senator Sinema. Wonkagenda For Tues., Nov. 13, 2018

Sinema wins Arizona election, Trump's just going to "You're Fired" everyone, and the Facebook tries to fix its shitshow. Your morning news brief.

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

Keep reading... Show less
Russia

The Top 6 Signs Robert Mueller Is About To Indict The Sh*tfire Outta Some Folks, According To #Science

Unless it turns out we're wrong, in which case we weren't actually wrong, YOU WERE WRONG FOR READING THIS.

It's a cloudy day in Washington DC. It's also a federal holiday, Veterans Day, but Donald Trump can't do normal presidential Veterans Day stuff like lay a wreath at Arlington National Cemetery because he saw a cloud and you know what clouds do, they spit water at your face, and Donald Trump can't get wet because he probably has rabies, allegedly.

DC is quiet, is our point.

But there are indicators that somebody is at work, and that somebody is Robert Mueller. We could be wrong, but we have a sneaking suspicion that tomorrow, or Wednesday, or at the very latest Friday, we are going to get Indictment O'Clock for an early Christmas present. Here is why:

Keep reading... Show less
Culture

Here Is Your Bloody Kurt Vonnegut Again, For The Centenary Of The Armistice

'We are here to help each other get through this thing, whatever it is."

It is November 11, 2018, and time again for our annual tribute to Kurt Vonnegut, who made us want to be a writer, and to his birthday, which this year falls on the 100th anniversary of the end of what was optimistically called the War to End All Wars. This is our seventh consecutive Kurt Vonnegut's birthday here at Wonkette, if you can believe that, and for a change, what with the Armistice centenary and all, we're going to write an at least partly new column for the occasion instead of reprinting the old one and adding one more Vonnegut quote about war and peace. Last year's column had ballooned to 2600 words, and good heavens, that's a lot of Vonnegut even for us (there is never too much Vonnegut).

Of course, it is mandatory we begin properly, with the quote from Breakfast of Champions that we take down from the attic every year, because what's a tradition without the proper decorations?

Keep reading... Show less
Russia

Trump Knows The DODGY DOSSIER Is Stealing Elections For Democrats, And HE. IS. PISSED.

There is no conspiracy theory too stupid for President Early Bird Menu to latch onto.

Hey you guys, Donald Trump has a new conspiracy theory festering up inside his molten orange butthole, and it is that Hillary Clinton colluded with Russia to make a fake DODGY DOSSIER that is now voting for Democrats from coast to coast, creating a make-believe NO BLUE WAVE, NO BLUE WAVE, YOU ARE THE BLUE WAVE. This is obviously why in these very close, uncalled races, they keep "finding" votes.

No, we are not fucking around, and yes, the president of the United States continues to be the stupidest fucking human being alive.

Keep reading... Show less
Russia

THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

The Mueller killer is IN THE HOUSE.

Okay, NOW WE PANIC. Trump firing Attorney General Jeff Sessions and shoehorning in partisan meathead Matthew Whitaker to murder the Mueller investigation during the lame duck session is DEFCON 1. The White House knows Adam Schiff, Elijah Cummings, and Eric Swalwell are about to investigate the shit out of them, and they're reasonably confident that the Special Counsel has indictments in the works for Don Jr. for lying to Congress and conspiracy to violate campaign finance law, among other things.

Which is why John Kelly called Sessions yesterday morning and told him to get out immediately, refusing even to let the Attorney General finish out the week. If you believe Vanity Fair, the White House expected Junior to be indicted as soon as today, so they needed the Mueller slayer in place to put the kibosh on it ASAP. And this time, they weren't going to take a chance with someone ethical. Enter Matthew Whitaker, a partisan hack who isn't afraid to plunge his hands into a mixture of slime mold and shit, right on up to the shoulders.

Keep reading... Show less
Russia

Jim Acosta: American Hero. Wonkagenda For Thurs., Nov. 8, 2018

Another mass shooting, the White House revokes Jim Acosta's press pass, and House Republicans start stabbing each other in the face. Your morning news brief.

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

Keep reading... Show less
Russia

ELECTION DAY! Wonkagenda For Tues., Nov. 6, 2018

Get your ass to the polls after you read your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

Keep reading... Show less
Russia

Don't Boo, Vote! Wonkagenda For Mon., Nov. 5, 2018

Trump makes the midterms about scary brown people, and Republicans have a white nationalist problem. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

Keep reading... Show less
Russia

Jacob Wohl Even Too Stupid For Stupidest Man On The Internet

And other updates from #DipshitGate!

Well, now the world knows! Jacob Wohl and Jack Burkman have solved the crime of figuring out who to pay and/or pick out of the phone book and/or completely invent out of whole cloth, in order to let all of US America know that Robert Mueller, the special counsel investigating conspiracies between Donald Trump and Russia, is a really big sexual harasser and/or rapist and/or guy who probably stepped on a crack and broke his mother's back at least once or twice.

Of course, the alleged "accuser" didn't show up for their press conference, and Wohl and Burkman aren't sure exactly how her name is spelled, but they gave a name! Her first name is Caroline or Carolyne or Carolyn or Carol or Jan and her last name is they forget.

First though, before we get into any of that business, we need you to know that Jim Hoft, Stupidest Man On The Internet, at least appears to have a limit to how low he will sink, for this happened after the press conference Thursday:

Keep reading... Show less
Russia

Is It Possible Roger Stone Was TOO STUPID For Russian Ratf*cking?

We're just saying the guy still has a hotmail account.

How the hell did a pack of misfits like today's GOP manage to successfully ratfuck American Democracy? If you saw Bannon, Assange, Roger Stone or Randy Credico out in public, you'd cross the street and grip your keys like a weapon. And yet, there's a very real possibility that this pack of rancid gin farts teamed up with Vladimir Putin to pull off the greatest hack of all time.

Or maybe they're just a bunch of clueless morons who never even knew what hit them. Honestly, we have no idea which!

Today's adventures in wonderland, courtesy of the New York Times, take us back to October of 2016. In his Foreverwar with irrelevance, Roger Stone was flogging a story that Bill Clinton had fathered an illegitimate child with a prostitute. Bannon was busy with the campaign and ignored the old geezer. But Matthew Boyle, political editor at Trumpland's ministry of alt-right outreach, aka Breitbart, was low enough on the food chain to take Stone's calls.

Stone had been shit-tweeting that Wikileaks and "my hero Julian Assange" were coming, and soon Hillary Clinton would be "done." Which everyone ignored because ... Roger Stone. But then, on October 3, Assange announced that he was about to drop the good shit, and Boyle got all tingly in his down-theres.

Keep reading... Show less
Russia

'Consider It A Rifle.' Wonkagenda For Fri., Nov. 2, 2018

They want to have a massacree. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

Keep reading... Show less
Russia

Jacob Wohl's Imaginary Robert-Mueller-Accusing Girlfriend Had To Go Back To Canada We Guess

SHUT UP, SHE IS TOO REAL.

Guys, we have some bad news. We had been looking forward to today, when the double genius duo of Jacob Wohl and Jack Burkman would turn the Russia No Collusion Witch Hunt OOPSY DAISY UPSIDE DOWN with their press conference (at the Holiday Inn in Rosslyn, Virginia, naturally) where a very credible woman they DID NOT PAY would come forward to say that special counsel Robert Mueller had raped or sexually assaulted her.

Oh don't worry, the press conference is still happening (right now in fact!), because THE SHOW MUST GO ON! It's just that the accuser isn't there, because, despite how she is totally real and stuff, she FEARS FOR HER LIFE.

Keep reading... Show less
Donate

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Newsletter

©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc