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Russia

Russia Trying To Re-Elect Trump, And He Is MAD (That Democrats Found Out)

Golly are we surprised.

Hey guess what! We know why Donald Trump fired acting Director of National Intelligence Joseph Maguire this week and felt the need to install the stupidest dipshit loyalist he knows, Ambassador to Germany Ric Grenell, a guy who couldn't find "intelligence" with his ass and both hands, as acting DNI immediately, even though Maguire was out the door next month, as mandated by law.

RUSSIA, IF YOU'RE LISTENING? OH, YOU ARE!

The House Intelligence Committee got a briefing one week ago, on February 13, where an agent of the DNI -- Trump's DNI, not "Obama People" DNI, not the Deep State that tried to sound the alarm in the months before the 2016 election -- told them that Russia is working its yaytsa (THAT MEANS BALLS) off to re-elect Donald Trump, and that this is the conclusion of "multiple intelligence agencies," according to the New York Times, just like it was in 2016. And Trump found out about it. (The briefing. We are sure he already knew Russia was IF YOU'RE LISTENING.) And he is maaaaaad. (That Democrats found out. Not that Russia yet again is attacking our democracy for his benefit, he LOVES that.)

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Russia

Dana Rohrabacher: If I Did It, Oh Wait, I Did!

Former congressman from Moscow is proud he offered Assange a pardon on behalf of Donald J. Trump.

Yesterday we learned that in 2017, when now-former congressman from Moscow Dana Rohrabacher went to London with his white supremacist award-winning journalist pal Chuck Johnson to play "My Scratching Post Or Yours?" with Julian Assange, Rohrabacher made Assange an offer.

Find some "proof" of the dumbshit conspiracy theory that the Russians did not hack the Democrats in 2016, and that it was all Seth Rich, Rohrabacher promised Assange, and YOU, sir, will get a pardon from Donald J. Trump! Just "prove" that HILLARY IS THE REAL COLLUSION, and it'll all be fine! And if you could throw in some dirt on the Bidens, that'd be cool too, hahaha just kidding, you are not the president of Ukraine! (We made up that last part. The rest of it is real.)

There's still a bit of a question over whether Rohrabacher was actually delivering special instructions from Trump, because all accounts of the time make it seem like then-chief of staff John Kelly wouldn't let crazy-ass Rohrabacher anywhere near the president. So maybe he was doing a little freelancing, as a ploy to see if he could get into Assange's stinky litter box.

But that didn't stop White House driver-of-the-year and comms person Stephanie Grisham from making this face (at least we imagine she made this face)

and loudly exclaiming that the DEMO-CRAPS done MADED IT UP! Or, actual quote: "The president barely knows Dana Rohrabacher other than he's an ex-congressman. He's never spoken to him on this subject or almost any subject. It is a complete fabrication and a total lie. This is probably another never-ending hoax and total lie from the DNC."

Dana Rohrabacher, though? He did an interview with Yahoo! News and said yeah, he totally did that thing everybody says he did.

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justice department

ROGER STONE FOR (40 MONTHS IN) PRISON!

You know, until Trump pardons him.

Well, that was the most riveting sentencing hearing we've ever not been in the room for! Yes, it is Wonkette, reporting live on the scene from our house, where we watched on Twitter as Judge Amy Berman Jackson ("ABJ," as she's known to the cool kids) sentenced Roger Stone to 40 months in prison for the seven counts for which he was indicted, tried, and convicted, which included obstruction of justice, witness tampering, and lying his ass off so fucking much to Congress!

LOCK HER UP! THAT'S RIGHT, LOCK HER UP!

No, it wasn't the seven to nine years prosecutors originally asked for, before Attorney General Bill Barr decided after a mean Trump tweet that seven to nine years was just TOO MANY, and filed a new sentencing recommendation without actually withdrawing the original sentencing recommendation. This blatant act of low-rent Roy-Cohn-ing, of course, caused all the line prosecutors on the case to quit in protest, one of them leaving the Justice Department entirely.

The Prosecutors Revolt. No, Not The Old Ones, The NEW ONES!

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2016 Presidential Election

Did Trump Offer To Pardon Assange In Exchange For Sexxxxy Hillary Dirts?

'This,' for 'THAT'?

OH, LORD, WHEN WILL 2016 BE OVER? We will never escape that horrible year, no matter how many times we make our way around the sun. Case in point, literally: Just today, Julian Assange argued to a Westminster magistrate that he should not be extradited to the US to face hacking charges because his prosecution is entirely political. As proof, Assange says he has evidence that then-Congressman Dana Rohrabacher delivered a pardon offer in 2017 from Donald Trump. All Assange had to do was say publicly that Russia hadn't hacked the DNC to benefit the Trump campaign, and he could walk his stinky cat-lady ass out of the Ecuadorian embassy where he was holed up and go back to Australia.

A quid pro quo, if you will.

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Featured

A Dizzying Array Of Brilliant Genius Thoughts From Our Leader As He Sat On This Morning's Terlet

My kingdom for a Metamucil!

Didn't Mama Trump ever tell little Donny not to push too hard? Are there no prunes in DC? Or is that the real reason Hope Hicks has been summoned back to Washington? Because if someone doesn't convince the old man to eat a plant, our national security is at grave risk from the extended morning tweet sessions as he, uh, strains at stool?

Even by the debased standards of Trump's (allegedly) obstructed colon, this morning's poop tweets were completely off the rails. At 8 a.m., he attacked the judge in Roger Stone's case by name again, quoting "Fox Judge" Andrew Napolitano's call for a new trial because the foreperson is a BIASSSSSS Democrat.

Judge Jackson now has a request for a new trial based on the unambiguous & self outed bias of the foreperson of the jury, whose also a lawyer, by the way. 'Madam foreperson, your a lawyer, you have a duty, an affirmative obligation, to reveal to us when we selected you the existence of these tweets in which you were so harshly negative about the President & the people who support him. Don't you think we wanted to know that before we put you on this jury.' Pretty obvious he should (get a new trial). I think almost any judge in the Country would order a new trial, I'm not so sure about Judge Jackson, I don't know." @Judgenap (Andrew Napolitano) @foxandfriends

Guess Trump forgave Judge Nap for being a closet Democrat who supported impeachment. Anyway, no, fuck off, the foreperson has no "affirmative obligation" to disclose her public social media posts. Stone's lawyers had an affirmative obligation to craft a jury questionnaire and ask questions during voir dire that would reveal potential bias against their client. If they couldn't be bothered, well, that's on them, not her. They had a chance to strike her, either peremptorily or for cause, and they didn't.

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justice department

Rudy Giuliani And Erik Prince Still Very Under Investigation, DOJ Leakers Here To Remind You!

Sounds like some folks at Justice are just letting us know about some stuff, in case Bill Barr tries to interfere with that stuff, ALLEGEDLY.

Yesterday, we wrote about news that Rudy Giuliani's lusty trusty pal Lev Parnas might be in for some more charges from the Southern District of New York (SDNY), related to the Fraud Guarantee company he set up to help companies "fight fraud," and for which Rudy Giuliani was to be paid many diamonds and baubles to be the spokesmodel. We noted how that's pretty weird that the case seems to be getting closer to Giuliani, who has reportedly been under criminal investigation himself, at the same time Giuliani has been allowed to set up a secret shoe phone back channel to Attorney General Bill Barr, so he could deliver the very real "information" he's been getting from shady Ukrainians about the Bidens. (His information is being sent to the US attorney in Pittsburgh, sure why not.) (How many US attorneys they got on this shit? How about Utah, Pittsburgh, Missouri, Connecticut?)

But worry not, allegedly! Because there's also news out there that SDNY's investigation into Giuliani is still going strong.

The Washington Post reported this weekend that SDNY investigators moved the ball forward as the impeachment trial was ending, which feels like 12 years ago in Trump time, but was actually like a week and a half ago. The impeachment trial might not have been getting witnesses and documents, but SDNY sure was! And on top of the continued investigations into Parnas and Igor Fruman, their shady money deals and Giuliani's possible involvement with that, they're also prying into Giuliani's scheme against fired ambassador Marie Yovanovitch, which was undertaken because she was in the way of the corrupt Biden investigations sought by Donald Trump.

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justice department

Bill Barr Just Checking For 50th Time To See If Michael Flynn WUZ FRAMED!111!1!GHAZI!1!!

READ THE TRANSCRIPT! OBAMA NETFLIX?

How much "on fire" is Bill Barr's Justice Department right now? ALL THE ON FIRES.

And here's another one for you! The DOJ has closed its investigation into Trump enemy and former FBI deputy director Andrew McCabe, according to his lawyers, because it can't seem to gin up any charges against him. Aw shucks! And Trump has been so fuckin' mad about that (SO MAD), why is Bill Barr refusing to deliver McCabe's head on a OH HEY LOOK OVER HERE, DONALD TRUMP!

Giphy

That's a good Donald Trump! Chase it! Chase it!

Bill Barr has now brought in an outside prosecutor, Jeffrey Jensen, US Attorney for the Eastern District of Missouri, to (for the 50th time) check and see if maybe Michael Flynn WUZ FRAMED when those mean FBI agents asked him questions about his contacts with the Russian ambassador, and he decided to lie right out of his facehole. SPOILER, Barr idiot: He was not framed.

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justice department

Bill Barr's Fake Russia Probe Pretty Sure Hillary Clinton #Pizzagated CIA Into Framing Russia For Oh F*ck It

Intelligence Community, How Does IT Work?

Speaking of Attorney General Bill Barr, AKA Donald Trump's broken truck stop condom dispenser version of Roy Cohn over there at the Justice Department ... it's time for an update on the US Attorney John Durham-"led" investigation into the REAL origins of the Trump-Russia investigation!

You know, even though the Justice Department inspector general already looked at that and found it was correctly predicated and based on very real evidence. Once Barr realized the inspector general wasn't going to give Trump, congressional Republicans, and Fox News windsocks a big fap-fest (though they certainly turned it into one!), and once he realized US Attorney John Huber's extra probe into Hillary Clinton was DOA, he had to gin up another "investigate the investigators" investigation, to keep his autocratic boss's bowels reg'lar.

Will Durham be able to invent a convincing fake story about how the Russia investigation was really a nefarious Deep State plot started by real FBI boss Hillary Clinton to stealthily steal the 2016 election from herself so that they could all frame Trump for Russia crimes? Fingers crossed!

The New York Times and the Washington Post have some new reporting on Durham's probe, and y'all, it's getting stupider.

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Trump

Donald Trump Found A Black Woman To Blame For Roger Stone's Crimes

Oh what a very big surprise.

Y'all see this tweet from El Shithole this morning?

Oh great, the "fore person" [sic] of the jury was BIASSSSSS, by which Trump means she is a Democrat, and are Democrats even allowed to serve on juries in Trump's America? You won't be shocked to learn that the latest subject of Trump's outrage, and Fox News's outrage, the foreperson of the Roger Stone jury, is a black woman, because that's on brand for Trump and Fox News.

Now, please forget that there are 12 people on a jury, and that all must agree on a verdict before rendering it. (That is what "unanimous" means.) Obviously, this one alleged Trump-hating black lady #RIGGED it against Stone, and by extension Trump. That is just how things work, if you are as much of a misogynist pig racist as Donald Trump is.

But wait, let's back up for a second, for Wonkette has some local news context for you!

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Trump

Bill Barr, Come Explain Your Trifling Ass To Kamala Harris, Elizabeth Warren Or (And) GTFO

Yes, it's tiresome but we should hold Trump's 'henchmen' accountable.

It's clear now that Bill Barr is Donald Trump's personal mob boss lawyer — Tom Hagen without style. Kamala Harris, who is a reputable attorney, isn't thrilled with this development. She demanded Tuesday that the Senate Judiciary Committee bring in Barr to account for how the Department of Justice skipped to Donald Trump's lou over Roger Stone's sentencing.

From a letter Harris sent to the chair of the Judiciary Committee:

The Justice Department's decision to overrule its career prosecutors, immediately after President Trump's tweet, calls into question the independence and integrity of our legal system. Failure to meet basic oversight responsibilities in the face of such alarming news would send a signal to this and future administrations that the Senate no longer conducts itself as a co-equal branch of government.

Unfortunately, the Senate Judiciary Chairman is Lindsey Graham, who is both corrupt and shameless. Graham said Wednesday that he had no intention of interrupting Barr's busy schedule of one-sided sentencing reform. Undaunted, Harris tweeted this message detailing in clear, concise legal terms why Bill Barr is an underhanded shady loser.

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Ukraine

Marie Yovanovitch Will Stick Her Sensible Wedge Pump Right Up Mike Pompeo's Craven A**

But diplomatically!

BREAKING: Mike Pompeo is a rancid garbage person! Must credit Wonkette!

Just kidding. But the news cycle has once again forced the secretary of State into comparison with former Ukrainian ambassador Marie Yovanovitch, and the juxtaposition only highlights what a craven, self-serving little pissant we have at the helm of our nation's foreign policy apparatus.

Here's Ambassador Yovanovitch receiving the Trainor Award for distinguished diplomatic service yesterday at Georgetown University.

Reflecting on the past year, she joked about Trump's PERFECT PERFECT PHONE CALL with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy, saying,"When you go through some things, to fall back on cliches, you have to dig deep."

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Trump

Trump's Reichstag Fire Is Here, And It's Going To Burn For The Next Nine Months

We're there, y'all.

Yesterday in the Oval Office, the alleged president again congratulated Bill Barr's Justice Department for intervening in the Roger Stone sentencing on his behalf, because the baby thinks it's unfaaaaaaaaaair. He also, as usual, said meaningless words about FISA warrants (that had nothing to do with Roger Stone) and whined about someone only receiving two months for leaking "highly classified information," even though his dumb ass leaked "highly classified information" to the Russians, our adversaries, the day after he fired James Comey, in that very same Oval Office. Oh, and of course he played cute with whether or not he's planning on pardoning Stone.

In other words, typical day in the hellscape that is now America.

The Trump White House swears, at least on record, that he's not retaliating and unleashing a campaign of revenge on all those he perceives to have slighted him, of course he's not doing that, HOW DARE YOU EVEN. National Security Advisor Robert O'Brien huffed at a think tank event Tuesday that Trump's retaliatory firings of Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman and his brother Yevgeny Vindman were totally normal, nothing to see here, they were "absolutely" not retaliated against, and also those guys were bad. O'Brien insisted, "We're not a country where a bunch of lieutenant colonels can get together and decide what the policy is of the United States," and added that "we are not a banana republic," to which we reply OBJECTION, YOUR HONOR: Assumes facts not in evidence. We live in Donald Trump's fuckshow vision of America now. It's looking more and more like a banana republic every day.

Meanwhile, White House comms idiot Keegan Gaygley Booger Whimsybottom Hogan Gidley told Fox News on Wednesday that it was just "ludicrous" to suggest Trump pressed Bill Barr to piss on the Justice Department and cause the resignations of four respected career prosecutors, by intervening to get Roger Stone's sentence reduced to a slap on the wrist, a pony ride and a free blowjob, HOW DARE YOU EVEN. Gidley said, of course, that Trump "has the right" to interfere with the Justice Department, because of how he is an unaccountable king, we guess, but he "just didn't" do that.

In other words, the gaslighting is in full effect.

But the truth is that of course Donald Trump is retaliating, and of course he's turned the Justice Department into a lawless organ for airing his grievances. He's firing everybody who ever went against him by refusing to commit crimes for him, and he's taking his revenge, because he's fucking unleashed. In the seemingly neuron-free zone that is Donald Trump's brain, he has really and truly been "acquitted" of all wrongdoing, or at least he now fully understands that as long as the Senate is controlled by Republicans, he really can do anything he wants. He literally says he won in the Senate on impeachment 52 to nothing. In the House he thinks he won 197 to nothing. In his mind, the Democrats are illegitimate and do not exist.

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National Politics

What's Dumber Than Devin Nunes Or John Ratcliffe As Director Of National Intelligence? This A-Hole.

Meet Utah's Chris Stewart all over again for the first time!

Remember last time Donald Trump decided it was time to find a new (acting) director of national intelligence, because the old one, Dan Coats, was just too American for his tastes? It. Was. Hilarious. He picked this paste-eating rube congressman from Texas, John Ratcliffe — known in Republican circles as one of the smart ones LOLOLOL — and everything was going swimmingly and nobody was making fun of Trump's decision, until it all went south when the news found out Ratcliffe had fabricated/embellished somewhere around half his prosecutorial record. DERP.

Trump still loves that guy, though. He loves all the moron Republican paint-huffers on the House Intelligence and Judiciary committees, who lie and obfuscate and yell and scream Kremlin conspiracy theories throughout the halls of Congress. They are his pals, because in Washington as in his earlier life in New York, Trump doesn't get to hang with the actual cool kids of society and has to settle for the leftovers.

Hell, Trump's original top choice for director of national INTELLIGENCE was Devin Fucking Nunes, the guy who was voted (ALLEGEDLY) by all the cows in America at his cow high school "Most Likely To Never Have The Word 'Intelligence' In His Job Title." Those cows were some real Heathers, if you know what we mean, and what we mean is they were all cows named Heather.

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News

Roger Stone Is Goin' To Prison! BUT FOR HOW LONG?

All of them, Katie?

Roger Stone has already been convicted of multiple felonies. Now, it's time for the court to figure out how long he's going away for.

And really, it couldn't happen to a better person.

In November, Trump buddy Roger Stone was convicted of obstructing a congressional investigation, making numerous false statements to Congress, and witness tampering, all related to the congressional investigation of the Trump campaign colluding with Russia to defraud the American people out of a free and fair election. On Monday, federal prosecutors asked Judge Amy Berman Jackson to sentence Stone to seven to nine years in prison, arguing a sentence of seven to nine years would "accurately reflect the seriousness of his crimes and promote respect for the law."

As the US Attorney's Office for the District of Columbia so succinctly summarized it,

Roger Stone obstructed Congress's investigation into Russian interference in the 2016 election, lied under oath, and tampered with a witness. And when his crimes were revealed by the indictment in this case, he displayed contempt for this Court and the rule of law.
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Trump

Trump Intel Chiefs Hearing Rescheduled To Keep From Hurting Grandpa LoudBad's Delicate Feelings

Remember what happened LAST TIME Trump's intel chiefs told the truth on TV?

The annual Worldwide Threats Hearings, where Trump's intel chiefs sit before Congress and tell them about the worldwide threats, do not go well for Donald Trump. They say things like "Russia is bad" and "Russia did it" and "Russia is doing it again" and "Actually Iran was complying with the nuclear deal" and "Dictators are bad" and "Dictators are bad even if they say your shit hair is pretty" and "Dictators don't actually love you" and "Trump's Make America Alone Again policies weaken America," and whatever other true things hurt Donald Trump's feelings and make him feel just a little bit more like he's never going to be the shit-haired dictator he always dreamed he'd be.

Last year after the Worldwide Threats Hearing in the Senate Intelligence Committee, which comes after the annual Worldwide Threats Assessment produced by the Office of the Director of National Intelligence (ODNI), Trump had this tantrum, saying his intel chiefs should "go back to school," which is a thing Trump went to and was definitely good at, not that we've seen his grades:

To be clear, he was talking about then-DNI Dan Coats, FBI Director Chris Wray and CIA Director Gina Haspel, three people who definitely are way dumber than Donald Trump, for sure you betcha. Afterward, he brought them all into the Oval Office and lied and said all his intel chiefs had merely been misquoted by the fake news, even though we all saw what they said on C-SPAN.

Trump doesn't like so-called "intel" chiefs. He prefers to get his briefings from Vladimir Putin, and sometimes Sean Hannity.

Now it is time for the annual hearings again, but Politico reports that they're rescheduling the House hearing for "time," and that Trump's intel chiefs originally were hoping to change the venue to "in a dark room all by ourselves," so they don't have to tell the truth on national TV and hurt Donald Trump's feelings and make him so mad, because who wants to go through all that again?

U.S. intelligence community leaders will not testify publicly or privately before House lawmakers [this] week about global threats, as negotiations on the timing and format of the annual hearing continue, according to people on both sides of the talks.

The Worldwide Threats hearing that takes place in the House and Senate has become an awkward source of tension after POLITICO first reported that intelligence officials pushed for the hearing that features both public and classified sessions to be moved entirely behind closed-doors over fears their bosses might provoke President Donald Trump's ire.

Reportedly, according to Politico's sources, the intel chiefs would still really really like to do the hearing down in the basement on top of Matt Gaetz's pizza crusts where the TV cameras can't follow them, because BAWK BAWK BAWK BAWK BAWK. (Politico did not say "bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk." Wonkette did.)

That is astounding, but at the same time it is not astounding, because one of the hallmarks of the Trump era is just how few of his political appointees actually have the stones to go up against the batshit crazy man who gave them their jobs. Better to keep the truth in a dark stanky room in the Capitol than to risk saying things that make President Thin-Skin's feelings get hurted all over the place and make him look like even more of an idiot than he already does.

Of course, this year's hearings come at an interesting time for President Impeached Forever. For one thing, he is impeached forever, and was "acquitted" in a Moscow Mitch show trial, and we guess he'll remain "acquitted" until he's out of office and the law catches up to him. For another, as Wonkette has noted in recent days, House Intel Committee chair Adam Schiff recently told Rachel Maddow that he's concerned the NSA and the CIA are both playing hide the sausage (not in the sex way) with Ukraine evidence Congress has been demanding, because of how the White House has its foot on the intel community's neck right now.

So that's awesome.

We don't have some grand conclusion to end this post, it's just one more reason all y'all fuckers need to get out and vote for literally whomever the Democrats nominate and get the orange asshole out of office. This situation is not tenable.

[Politico]

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Ukraine

Graham Announces Joint Barr-Giuliani Investigation Of Bidens, Because We Are A Banana Republic Now

They're not even bothering to hide the corruption any more.

Slow your roll, Bill Barr! Don't want to blow that corruption wad in February and have nothing left for the rest of the year. Gotta save a little something for October when you'll need to announce a criminal indictment of whoever wins the Democratic nomination. Pace yourself, big guy!

Oh, it's funny — but not funny, haha — because it's true! This weekend, Donald Trump's BFF Lindsey Graham went on CBS's "Face The Nation" with Margaret Brennan to brag that the Justice Department will be going after Joe Biden in earnest now that Republicans have put that pesky impeachment business to bed. After acknowledging that Rudy Giuliani's insane arglebargling about Joe Biden might well be Russian propaganda, he said that our esteemed Attorney General Barr has a special hotline set up for Rudy Giuliani to bring sexxxxy Biden dirt right up to the highest levels of the Justice Department for vetting. And Bill Barr just confirmed it at a press conference this morning.

Cool cool. Who better than a political appointee whom the president said on his PERFECT PERFECT READ THE TDSJU7R11PT PHONECALL would coordinate the Biden smear with Rudy Giuliani, to ... coordinate the Biden smear with Rudy Giuliani from the comfort of his own desk inside the Justice Department? It's not like Barr tried three times to suppress the whistleblower complaint and then wasted whatever credibility the DOJ and Office of Legal Counsel had by insisting that congressional subpoenas were totally optional.

Oh, wait!

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