Russia

It Would Appear Donald Trump Lied About The Size Of His 'Obamagate'

Is that it? Bless his heart.

Donald Trump and his slobbering Republican manservants in Congress are losing their shit trying to show the American people just how much #Obamagate there really was, what a Witch Hunt, what a DEEP STATE!111!! Oh my God they have been leaving snail trails all over the streets of Washington DC.

At the center of Obamagate -- as best as anyone can tell, and to be honest, our explanation is more lucid than anything that will ever slither out of the president's thin lips -- is that during the transition, the Obama administration sought to undermine the incoming president and fuck with the peaceful transition of power, chiefly by FRAMING Michael Flynn and tricking him into lying to the FBI about his improper secret conversations with the Russian government about sanctions relief. In reality, the Obama administration was faced with an unprecedented situation, namely the very real possibility -- as yet still not disproven! -- that the incoming administration and maybe the president himself were severely compromised (or worse) by Russia.

On Tuesday, the Trump administration declassified a section of an email former national security advisor Susan Rice sent herself on Inauguration Day, 2017, her last official act, to memorialize what was really going on with Flynn, so that there would be a paper trail. And kids, this declassified section was supposed to be their SMOKIN' GUN! That proves! that Obamagate! Was a thing! That happened!

Spoiler alert: It is, um, not that.

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justice department

Bill Barr PROBABLY Not Going To Lock Her Up Obama And Biden, PROBABLY

Can you all just RELAX?

Everybody, it is time to just relax and stay calm and know that the attorney general of the United States might be extremely cheap, but he still has standards, and he's not crazy.

During a press conference on Monday, Bill Barr said he doesn't think his bullshit investigate-the-investigators probe into the origins of the Russia investigation, led by US Attorney John Durham, will end up investigating or criminally charging Barack Obama or Joe Biden:

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Trump

PSA: IT'S STILL F*CKED UP WHEN THE PRESIDENT THREATENS TO JAIL HIS POLITICAL OPPONENTS

IT'S STILL NOT NORMAL.

We live in such a terrible, dark moment in American history. Of course, there's this global pandemic. And we have the single worst, stupidest human alive on the planet in charge of the country. And that guy does so much shit each and every day that it's incredibly easy to lose sight of how, just five years ago, it would be unthinkable for the president of the United States to talk about jailing both his political enemies and his predecessor in office. That's some Russian-slash-Paul Manafort-In-Ukraine shit!

Darlins, don't ever let this get normal:

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Trump

Russia Attacked Election To Help HILLARY, According To Breaking News Trump Just Found In His Butt

This is definitely some new information that everybody knows now, because of how it is the information.

STOP THE PRESSES! There has been new information that's now coming out, just like "OBAMAGATE!" is now coming out and everybody knows what it is, because of how bad it is!

Trump explained the news that has just come out in an interview with Fox News idiot Maria Bartiromo:

TRUMP: Now it's all come out that actually, they wanted Hillary Clinton, you saw that one came out yesterday! They wanted Hillary Clinton to win! Nobody's been tougher on Ru-, you can speak to Putin or anybody else, nobody has been tougher on Russia than I have. They wanted Hillary Clinton to win!

They did! The information came out yesterday, we all saw it! It was the information, and everybody knew it, and once they knew it, nobody could deny the information, once it came out! In the beginning was Obamagate, and it was the biggest crime, except for the other biggest crime, which is this new information, which just came out!

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