Hello! I, Vladimir Putin, Will Have Revenge On Joe Biden For Visiting Kyiv First!

Lose a battle, win the war! And Russia did not lose battle! We won by not winning!

Greetings and hellos, debased Western fuck ogres of Wonkette! It is I, your great friend Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, here again to make with you the talking! Also to bring you belated New Year’s greetings. How was your New Year’s? Did you gather in hideous metropolis of New York to scream like banshees as bunch of lightbulbs descended pole? Your celebrations are so decadent and strange. When I was boy in Soviet Union, we would celebrate New Year’s by turning in neighbors for stealing extra potatoes from people’s glorious food collective. Sometimes as New Year’s treat, we were allowed to shoot them. Was good time!

But now I am sad to report to the depraved harridans of the Wonketariat that it has been a rough start to the year for Vladimir Vladimirovich. And not just because Netflix canceled service in Russia and now I cannot watch season four of delightful romantic comedy “You.” Penn Badgley! So charming! So lovelorn! So bloodthirsty!

Anyway, to Vladimir’s problems. First, it seems no one is paying attention to my global campaign for window safety. How else to explain recent tragedy of high-ranking member of Russian army command falling from 16th floor window? Or sausage tycoon – yes, really, the sausage king of Moscow – falling from window in India after criticizing special military operation in Ukraine?

Wonkette, does Vladimir stutter? Was Vladimir not clear? Did Vladimir not say that all Russians should be careful around windows? Most especially those who criticized Vladimir for invading phony nation of Ukraine? Please explain, then, why people keep going into buildings that have windows!

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fox news

And Now Fox News Is Talking About Biden And (((Globalists))) Getting Rich Off Ukraine War. Subtle!

Monica Crowley. Real piece of shit, that one.

Monica Crowley is one of those Fox News idiots whose name you probably hear and think, "Wait, which one is that?" Hard to say, but let's crash course real quick.

She's a massive plagiarist, having gotten caught doing it both in her Ph.D. dissertation and in her 2012 book. She thought Arizona Gov. Katie Hobbs was mentally unstable because she laughed during her swearing-in. She said it meant Hobbs knew she was "illegitimate." So she's on team Kari Lake Vaseline Filter. That really tells you everything, but we can tell you more.

She's a Trump idiot, who served as a deputy assistant Treasury secretary, we are guessing because Trump saw her on Fox News and not because of her qualifications. Trump hires random people he thinks look good on TV, because he's dumb and shallow like that.

Crowley is an unhinged conspiracy theorist, who leaned heavy into the Barack Obama secret Muslim birther shit. "Can he be both loyal to Islam and loyal to the United States?” is a question she asked once.

Based on all that, we assess her to be quite stupid, batshit, and also a bigot.

So of course she's on Fox News commenting on Joe Biden's trip to Ukraine.

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Has Putin Been Reading Libs Of TikTok Or Do All Bigots Just Sound The Same?

Rhetorical question.

Did everybody see that Joe Biden speech in Warsaw? It was a banger, a world-historical moment, five stars!

A BANGER! Let's Watch Biden's Historic Warsaw Address In Real Time!

As we noted, Vladimir Putin also gave a speech today, but they weren't competing speeches. Putin's was more like his mangled version of a State of the Union, where he talked about how well his quickie special military operation in Ukraine is going and the like. He didn't make a ton of news, except to say he's "suspending" Russia's participation in the New START nuclear proliferation treaty. Not pulling out completely, just "suspending." Because reasons. Reasons that are all America's fault. Womp womp.

(NATO and Secretary of State Antony Blinken are pissed, by the way.)

Elsewhere in his speech, Putin flat-out lied and said, "They were the ones who started the war." He said he's using force in Ukraine in order to "stop it." You betcha. The speech was what it was. Read the full Washington Post roundup if you'd like.

But in light of everything that's going on in America right now we'd like you to read this translated section of Putin's speech, where he got real hot and heavy into the culture war shit.

In this age of rightwing smear campaigns and violence incitement against LGBTQ+ people, by Twitter accounts like Libs of TikTok, by Tucker Carlson, by Ron DeSantis and his vile spokesperson, and so many more. In these days of attacking transgender kids and accusing drag queens of preying on children.

See what you notice.

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Russian Media Having Wee Tiny Conniption Over Biden Ukraine Visit, Bless Their Hearts

They're openly talking about how upset they are that they didn't 'whack' Biden. So that's unhinged.

We mentioned in our post this morning about Tucker Carlson's daily North Korean News Lady Readout Of Vladimir Putin's Spank Bank Material that Russian media probably was able to clip a bunch of it to show Daddy. (They love doing that, it's their favorite.)

It's probably good they have Tucker to distract them, because Russian media watcher Julia Davis reports at the Daily Beast that Russian media is furious about Joe Biden's badass trip to Ukraine to see fellow badass Volodymyr Zelenskyy. They apparently spent days saying Biden would definitely not go to Ukraine, and would instead just go to Poland as planned. (The Biden administration notified the Russian government in advance, presumably because had there been any "accidents" we would have had to have nuked them off the face of the fucking earth, as per the diplomatic protocol.)

Then Biden just ... showed up.

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