2020 presidential election

Newsmax And Vladimir Putin Agree: Joe Biden Is The F*cking President.

NO PUPPET! NO PUPPET! Yeah, because the puppetmaster just took out the garbage.

On Monday, Dec. 14, 2020, Donald Trump lost to Joe Biden. Again. For like the 85,000th day in a row. The Electoral College met, and surprise, all the electors acknowledged the reality of what happened in their states, and when the votes were tallied, Biden had won in an electoral landslide, 306 to 232, and we know that's a landslide because Donald Trump has told us that 306-232 is a landslide many, many times.

Sure, he got up this morning whining about imaginary fraud and retweeting batshit lawyer Lin Wood saying that Georgia GOP Gov. Brian Kemp and GOP Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger are GOING TO JAIL. No, really:

But it's over. Again. For real this time. Just like it was real all the other times. Because Donald Trump came out of his mother's womb a loser, he has lived his life as a loser, and whenever his scaly body expires, he will have died a loser. (One of the most physically unattractive losers ever to live, too. Sad.)

One way we know that the sands really are starting to shift, besides how a bunch of Republican senators (even Mitch McConnell just now!) are finally like OK fine, we guess we had an election and Trump lost, is that two of Trump's most dedicated benefactors have now, in the last 24 hours, acknowledged that Donald Trump is a loser.

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justice department

Good Riddance, Bill Barr. You Don't Have To Go Home, But You Can't Stay Here

Barr is leaving before Christmas, because that's pointless.

Well, it's finally happened! First we heard that Attorney General Bill Barr was definitely probably going to quit before the end of Donald Trump's first and only failed term in office, and then that on second thought, he'd decided he might as well stay. Now, as of late on Monday, Barr has submitted his resignation letter to Trump. Trump announced it on Twitter, because that's where he does personnel decisions. Barr's letter is here if you want to read it. It's just a bunch of pathetic ass-kissing.

Barr will be leaving before Christmas, so it sounds like he was actually fired, but for some reason, Trump granted him the dignity of at least pretending it was his decision. Reportedly Trump was still very mad at Barr for saying out loud that there was no significant election-result-changing fraud in the election, which means that however hard Trump lost to Joe Biden (HARD), Trump did that his very own self, like the loser he is. Trump doesn't have the self-esteem to process a truth like that.

The Washington Post reports that Trump was also mad Barr refused to meddle in the election by announcing there were active investigations into Hunter Biden, which is funnily enough the same thing Trump got impeached for trying to extort Ukraine into doing.

"All he had to do is say an investigation's going on," Trump said, adding later, "When you affect an election, Bill Barr, frankly, did the wrong thing."

You get it? Barr affected the election by not improperly meddling in the election, and in Trump's feeble mind, that's why he lost. Because "Hunter Biden." OK.

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White House

NSA Robert O'Brien Grifts Through The Tape On Farewell European Tour With Wife

As a parting gift.

With only 38 days left in the Trump administration, the race is on for the members of Team Grift to grab the loot before they get booted out of the building. National Security Advisor Robert O'Brien has managed to fit a whole European vacation in his pockets, which will be hard for the Trump family to top, but you know they're not going to be shown up by the help.

After a stopover in Israel to see Jerusalem and Tel Aviv, Axios reports that O'Brien and his wife Lo-Mari O'Brien are off on a whirlwind tour of the European capitals. Today they're in Paris, where he'll deliver an address to the Organization for Economic Co-operation and Development (OECD), which is celebrating its 60th anniversary. Then it's on to London and Rome, because it's not like anything important is going on at home.

Oh, wait! Did the Russians just hack into the Treasury and Commerce Departments? Guess it'll have to wait until O'Brien gets back from sightseeing. And Vladimir Putin is developing a bioweapons assassination program? Ah, well, it'll keep.

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Trump

How Petty Is President Whinyass's Coup? This Petty.

GET OUT OF THE WHITE HOUSE, LOSER.

Quick postscript to our post yesterday about how Donald Trump is pulling some kind of idiot-ass coup, firing all the halfway qualified people at the Pentagon and replacing them with the alternates from Devin Nunes's MENSA chapter.

Bill Kristol, who has always been your favorite pundit (don't lie), reports that he talked to his Defense Department contacts and found out what Trump did after he fired Mark Esper and the rest of the officials who just lost their jobs.

You ready for the saddest, most manbaby whinyass thing that has ever happened since the last time Donald Trump did a manbaby whinyass thing?

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