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Russia

Acting DNI Idiot Ric Grenell Scared Of Congress, Not Gonna Go There, NUH UH!

Poor thing hasn't figured out how to talk to Congress without making Daddy mad. :(

Ric Grenell, who broke a glass ceiling when Donald Trump made him the first gay European-Nazi-adjacent dumbfuck with zero national security or intelligence experience ever to hold the title of (acting) Director of National Intelligence — TRAILBLAZER! PUT IT ON A BUSINESS CARD! — has a problem.

It's not that he doesn't want to talk to Congress today about foreign threats to our elections, of which there are many. (You know, like the Russians, who are helping Trump steal 2020 right now as we type this.) He's just not ready. He's only been on the job for a couple weeks, and he hasn't worked out how to say things to Congress about subjects that are known to hurt Trump's feelings. (You know, like about Russia helping Trump steal 2020 right now as we type this.)

No no no no no, we are not kidding at you like a common Wonkette, we read it in the newspaper:

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economics

DON'T PANIC! Cause It Won't Help Anyway.

Thanks, Putin!

Today would be a good day to buy the dip, right, Eric?

Only, not right now, because, as we are typing this, trading in the New York Stock Exchange was shut down for 15 minutes after the S&P 500 dropped seven percent in the first four minutes of trading, triggering the automatic shut off provision. Whoopsie! This is the first time that's happened since December 2008, at the height of the financial crisis. You remember the pile of shit that George W. Bush and his idiotic tax cuts left for a Democratic president to clean up? Because history may not repeat itself, but it sure as hell does rhyme.

The proximate cause of this morning's chaos is partly coronavirus, of course, and partly a little love note from our pal Vladimir Putin, who just deliberately crashed the world oil market to fuck American shale producers. Let's oilsplain!

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National Politics

Mitt Romney Coward Again

Maybe we should investigate the Bidens in Ukraine after all, says Romney!

Oh, we were so nice to Mitt Romney for a minute there, when he decided to be the only Senate Republican with half a brain and a quarter of a conscience, and voted to convict Donald Trump on the abuse of power article of impeachment. Romney recognized that the House managers had proven their case up one side and down the other, that Trump had extorted a foreign country to announce fake investigations into the Bidens in order to help him steal the 2020 election, and that Trump had gone so far as to withhold aid from that country until he got that announcement.

He appeared to understand that all the shit about "Biden" and "Burisma" coming out of corrupt motherfuckers in Ukraine was false, and also Russian propaganda. Good job, Mittens! Strap the dog to the roof and take a road trip, YOU'VE EARNED IT!

This week, Mittens reacted to World's Stupidest Senate Republican Ron Johnson wanting to send stupid Russian propaganda-infused subpoenas in his Homeland Security Committee investigation into fake Biden Ukraine scandals, by saying that yes, it does seem that something like that might be viewed as li'l bit nakedly political and problematic, considering what Trump just did. He even said, "There's no question that the appearance of looking into Burisima and Hunter Biden appears political. I think people are tired of these kind of political investigations."

Correct as usual sometimes, Mitt Romney!

Anyway he's going to vote in favor of the subpoenas Ron Johnson wants, because coward.

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History Facts

New York Times's Bernie Sanders Russia 'Scoop': Red Scare, Yellow Journalism, Entire Rainbow Of Bullsh*t

This is fucking ridiculous.

America, the New York Times is doing that thing again. You know, the thing where it writes about something that's kind of a nothingburger (is a huge nothingburger), but is described so solemnly that it sure sounds like something awful must be up — you know, like Hillary Clinton had a foundation that took donations, and she was also secretary of State, and wasn't that horrible?

Now we've got a "both sides" the New York Times should be proud of. Sure, President Donald Trump keeps trying to give Crimea back to Putin, but Bernie Sanders did a sister city with the Soviet Union back in the '80s, along with dozens of other American mayors and with Ronald Goddamn Reagan's encouragement.

In a "blockbuster" "story" yesterday, the Times offered us the lowdown on Bernie Sanders's 1980s efforts to set up a sister-city connection between Burlington, Vermont, where he had been elected mayor in 1980, and the city of Yaroslavl in Russia. There's nothing scandalous in the story, unless you consider the news that even under Mikhail Gorbachev, the USSR still thought a lot about the propaganda value — in this case more like PR value than propaganda, which implies falsity — of having Americans say they preferred peace with the Soviets over nuclear war.

Finally: the redbaiting Glenn Greenwald is always complaining about, except real.

One good thing about this piece, though: We didn't realize until reading it that when wingnuts (and your harder anti-Berners in general) talk about Sanders's "honeymoon in the USSR," they're referring to his trip to arrange the sister-city agreement. Some commie tourism, huh?

Yeah, the Times discovered old Soviet documents about pushing the message that peace, through sister-city arrangements and other efforts, is better than imperialist warmongering. Shocking! But while the piece goes into exhaustive detail on how Russian archives recorded the Burlington-Yaroslavl connection, and how Sanders, as mayor, pushed to finalize the arrangement, it mostly ends up making us feel a bit nostalgic for the late-'80s optimism that maybe the Cold War could end in something other than nuclear fireballs.

We had Sting's "Russians" stuck in our heads the whole time we read the Times story, so welcome to our earworm:

youtu.be

Great, now Sting can't be president either. :(

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justice department

Hero Judge Gonna Read Unredacted Mueller Report Himself, To See What A Liar Bill Barr Really Is

LIAR LIAR FUCKING LIAR PANTS ON FIRE LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR TRUCK STOP DILDO DISPENSARY BROKEN CONDOM MACHINE ROY COHN EATIN' HAM AT THE CRACKER BARREL LIAR.

Is it OK with Chief Justice John Roberts if we call US District Judge Reggie Walton a hero, or does that violate his sense of decorum? We are just curious.

Because Reggie Walton, a George W. Bush appointee, is a fucking hero, for calling Attorney General Bill Barr out for what he is, which is a low-rent truck stop Cracker Barrel dildo dispensary approximation of Roy Cohn, doing cover-ups for Donald Trump. (We should be clear that Walton did not use the words "dildo dispensary." He's not that cool.)

BuzzFeed and a transparency group called the Electronic Privacy Information Center (EPIC) have been suing for the unredacted Mueller Report, which, as you'll all remember, Barr hid inside his bottom for weeks on end while lying to the public about what it said, which gave rise to such common lies as "NO COLLUSION!" and "TOTALLY EXONERATED!" In an order in the Freedom Of Information Act (FOIA) case for the unredacted report, in response to BuzzFeed and EPIC's request for an in camera review of the unredacted report, Walton wrote nice English words about what he thinks about Barr's handling of the report.

Wait, did we say nice English words?

The Court has grave concerns about the objectivity of the process that preceded the public release of the redacted version of the Mueller Report and its impacts on the Department's subsequent justifications that its redactions of the Mueller Report are authorized by the FOIA. For the reasons set forth below, the Court shares the plaintiffs' concern that the Department "dubious[ly] handl[ed] [ ] the public release of the Mueller Report."

That's right, Judge Walton called Bill Barr a common DUBIOUS HANDLER. And he said that because Barr is a such a DUBIOUS HANDLER, he must absolutely do that in camera review of the unredacted Mueller Report, ergo ipso facto FUCKINGGIVEIT.

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2020 presidential election

Senator Ron Johnson Determined To Make 2020 Election As Stupid As He Is

He's gonna get answers on this Biden Ukraine thing! And if he doesn't get answers, he's gonna make some up!

IT'S DUMB TIME! Now that Joe Biden has a real shot of becoming the Democratic nominee, and possibly reaching the delegate threshold before the convention, Republicans are really starting their engines against the candidate Trump has feared the most the entire time, the one he got himself impeached trying to eliminate from contention.

The other day, we had an update on the Senate's Dumbest Republican, Ron Johnson of Wisconsin, who on Sunday sent a letter to his colleagues on the Homeland Security Committee about some subpoenas he wants to send next week, to get to the bottom of the very obviously real Burisma Biden scandal. Because clearly voters are really concerned with whether Hunter Biden worked at a gas station in Ukraine one time. And because Republicans have invented out of whole cloth a lie that Joe Biden corruptly withheld money from Ukraine, while forcing them to fire a (corrupt) Ukrainian prosecutor.

And they know it's a lie, because Ron Johnson was one of the senators who signed a letter back in 2016 pushing then-president Petro Poroshenko to reform that corrupt prosecutor's office, and he is fully aware that when Biden told Ukraine to fire that guy, he was representing the foreign policy of the United States, in agreement with the EU and the IMF and the entire rest of the western world.

Johnson knows this. Johnson is stupid — the Senate's dumbest Republican, according to Wonkette's Scientific Department Of Testing Which Republican Senator Is The Dumbest! — but he's not that stupid.

Anyway, he is mouth-talking more about his Biden investigation, because Trump's only hope in November, besides Russian help, is to try to make "BUT HIS BURISMA!111!1!!!" into this year's BUT HER EMAILS!!11!!!"

Politico reported Wednesday that Johnson is planning to have an "interim report" ready in just a month or two, on that most pressing concern for American households, Hunter Biden's time on the board of Ukrainian energy company Burisma. Why "a month or two"? No reason. Definitely not because of the Democratic primary.

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Legal

Does The Trump Campaign Not Realize Judges Can Actually Read The Mueller Report For Themselves?

Another week, another bullshit LIBELSLANDERS!11! lawsuit from the Trump campaign, this time against the Washington Post.

Golly, the president is clever. You know, like when he trolls, it is just very hard to see what he is trying to do.

What is his ANGLE here? We just cannot tell!

And likewise, the Trump campaign has filed a new lawsuit against the Washington Post for LIE DEFAMATION LIBEL SLANDERS!, just like it filed a lawsuit against the New York Times last week, for LIE DEFAMATION LIBEL SLANDERS! And why? Because those papers said #meanstuff about Trump and Russia and they didn't even say NO COLLUSION!

Both cases concern things that happened in the "Opinion" section of the newspaper, where the opinions go, which is (factcheck) covered by the First Amendment. And in both cases, the lawyer is Gawker-killer Charles Harder, working with a local counsel, because of course it is. And both cases are as stupid as they sound.

What is their ANGLE here? We just cannot tell!

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Religion

Maybe Roger Stone Just High On CHRIST, You Dicks

That is probably what it is.

Have you met Roger Stone's personal friend Jesus Christ? He already loves you, even if you don't know it. He wants to meet you. In fact, if you have some time later and don't mind Roger maybe threatening to kill your dog at some point in the conversation if you don't lie to Congress for him in order to protect Donald Trump, Roger might introduce you to his friend, who is Christ.

Stone explained his new convenient friendship saving faith in Jesus on the Axios HBO program, which exists:

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White House

New Trump DNI Pick Just As Dumb A Liar As Last Trump DNI Pick, Because It's Literally The Same Guy

Sure why not.

The writers are just recycling old scripts now and hoping we don't notice.

On Friday, Donald Trump announced his actual for-real nominee for director of national intelligence, and it is ... this dumb shit congressman from Texas he nominated before, John Ratcliffe. It didn't work out so well last time, because that dumb shit congressman faked half his resume and literally everybody hated him. Trump assured us last month, when he named far-right gay MAGA Twitter idiot and universally loathed Ambassador to Germany Ric Grenell as the (acting) DNI, that Grenell would only be scooting his butt around the floor of the DNI's office until Trump named a real DNI nominee. And now he has gone and re-nominated ... that idiot.

To be clear, Ratcliffe's nomination was embarrassing last time. GOP Senate Intelligence Committee Chair Richard Burr was not into it. Lots of Republican senators were not into it. The guy is a fucking clown who, again, lied about pretty much his entire resume. About prosecuting terrorists. About allegedly arresting 300 Mexican terrorist rapists in a single day. About everything.

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Trump

Trump Sues New York Times For Called Him Russian Puppet And Made Him Mad, Awwwww

This is just a very good lawsuit.

On Wednesday, the Trump 2020 campaign filed a libel lawsuit against the New York Times, whining that an opinion piece about Russia and Donald Trump being BFFs wasn't very nice to the Trump campaign.

And yes, it's just as dumb as it sounds.

Donald Trump and his buddy, lawyer Charles Harder, are big fans of using bullshit lawsuits like this to intimidate journalists and use as press releases. They believe they are entitled to abuse the legal system by suing over news they don't like and using their money to silence people who disagree with them. Lawsuits like this one, styled Donald Trump for President v. New York Times, are no more than attempts to use American courts to frighten dissenters into silence.

The op-ed in question, titled "The Real Trump-Russia Quid Pro Quo," was written by Max Frankel, former Times executive editor, in March of last year. The first paragraph of the piece sets the tone:

Collusion — or a lack of it — turns out to have been the rhetorical trap that ensnared President Trump's pursuers. There was no need for detailed electoral collusion between the Trump campaign and Vladimir Putin's oligarchy because they had an overarching deal: the quid of help in the campaign against Hillary Clinton for the quo of a new pro-Russian foreign policy, starting with relief from the Obama administration's burdensome economic sanctions. The Trumpites knew about the quid and held out the prospect of the quo.

I mean ... seems pretty accurate thus far.

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White House

Is Acting DNI Ric Grenell A Literal Actual Foreign Agent Like Michael Flynn? No, He Couldn't Possibly!

We feel like we've seen this movie before.

We already know many reasons why Ambassador to Germany Ric Grenell is uniquely unsuited to be Donald Trump's acting director of national intelligence, even if, as they SWEAR, he's only keeping the seat warm for a little bit before Trump nominates a REAL idiot to be his fully confirmed director of national intelligence. Grenell knows nothing about "intelligence," he's an obnoxious Twitter troll, his host country despises him, and former National Security Advisor and UN Ambassador Susan Rice says he's a "hack and a shill" and "one of the most nasty, dishonest people I have ever encountered." But he knows about kissing Donald Trump's grundle, and that's all that matters in Trump's White House.

But there's other news percolating out there about why Grenell might REALLY, on top of all that, be unqualified for the DNI position, even if he's just rubbing his butt on it until they make him leave. It has to do with all the foreign clients he worked for during his time in the private sector, work that, in a sane America, would prevent him from having any sort of security clearance, much less allow him to oversee the nation's 17 intelligence agencies.

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Russia

PSA: Do Not Fall For Trump's Gaslighting Bullsh*t About Russia's 2020 Election Attacks

Looking at you, CNN.

We've now officially known for several days what pretty much anybody could have told you, if they've been paying attention. Russia is actively interfering with the 2020 election right now as we speak, just like Robert Mueller said they would, they're doing it to help Donald Trump get re-elected, and they're also fucking around in the Democratic primary trying to boost the Bernie Sanders campaign. Or more properly, they're trying to boost conspiracy theories about the establishment trying to steal the nomination from Bernie, just like Donald Trump is doing. Of course, if Bernie wins the nomination, Russia's meddling will change and they'll turn hostile against him, because their true candidate is Vladimir Putin's best boy Trump.

Rght on cue, here comes the gaslighting from Trump-land! And unfortunately, some people are buying it, people who should know better. (Rhymes with "Lake Snapper.")

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Russia

Trump Officials Say They Have 'No Intelligence' ... Stop Laughing, They Are Serious!

It's the Sunday Shows Rundown!

A few days ago, it was reported that it seems the Russians are meddling in the 2020 elections, like they did in 2016, favoring Donald Trump. This (of course) pissed off our Authoritarian-In-Chief and he fired acting (aren't they all) Director of National Intelligence Joseph Maguire and replaced him with an idiot loyalist, Ambassador to Germany Ric Grenell. Trump also did one of his White House lawn presser shout interviews denying the intelligence while blaming Democrats like House Intelligence Committee Chairman Adam Schiff, who rightfully criticized him. So this week on the Sunday shows, we got multiple appearances from Trump officials Robert O'Brien and Marc Short, telling America what they really want us to hear about that so-called intelligence.

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White House

Trump Taps Nunes Lackey Kash Patel To Run Nation's Intelligence, If Any

NOW it's time to panic.

Okay, Purity Ponies, this one's for YOU!

Guess which lunatic fox just got put in charge of the Intelligence henhouse? Hooray, it is Devin Nunes's lackey Kash Patel, who spent the past three years flogging the lie that the Intel Community made up the Russian interference story just to hurt Donald Trump. The president just promoted the guy who thinks the FBI and CIA lied about Russian hacking to cover up the fact that HILLARY CLINTON IS THE REAL COLLUSION to senior advisor at the Office of Director of National Intelligence. But please, tell us more about how you'll be staying home if your candidate doesn't win!

After shoving aside (acting) Director of National Intelligence Joe Maguire for the grievous sin of acknowledging Russian ratfucking, Trump named Ambassador to Germany Ric Grenell, a man with zero national security experience, as nominal (acting) DNI until he can pick a permanent successor. Grenell will retain his ambassadorship, and tend to the SEVENTEEN AGENCIES which constitute our the Intelligence Community in his spare time. But it's okay, because that should leave him plenty of time to zero out any projects focusing on Russian interference with the 2020 election. And if there's an issue with the time-zone or something, he's always got Kash Patel to lean on.

If the past three years have blurred together into one long nightmare for you, let's review who Kash Patel is, shall we?

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Russia

The Top 768,796 Reasons Putin Wants Trump Re-Elected, For GOP Rep. Chris Stewart And Idiots Like Him

WE ARE JUST TRYING TO HELP.

Yesterday we learned about the Russia briefing to the House Intelligence Committee that pissed off Donald Trump so much he fired his director of national intelligence, because the ODNI briefer told Congress the obvious truth that Russia is trying to get Trump re-elected. In that briefing, butthole-mouthed GOP Rep. Chris Stewart of Utah was reportedly highly skeptical that Vladimir Putin would even want Trump re-elected, because Stewart is apparently high on his own sauce and truly believes the lies he tells himself about how Trump has been tougher on Putin than anybody else.

According to the New York Times,

Mr. Stewart insisted that the president had aggressively confronted Moscow, providing anti-tank weapons to Ukraine for its war against Russia-backed separatists and strengthening the NATO alliance with new resources, according to two people briefed on the meeting.

Mr. Stewart declined to discuss the briefing but said that Moscow had no reason to support Mr. Trump. He pointed to the president's work to confront Iran, a Russian ally, and encourage European energy independence from Moscow. "I'd challenge anyone to give me a real-world argument where Putin would rather have President Trump and not Bernie Sanders," Mr. Stewart said in an interview, referring to the nominal Democratic primary race front-runner.

This is the guy who was reportedly one of Trump's top choices for permanent director of national intelligence, but apparently isn't anymore because somebody showed Trump a mean quote Stewart said in 2016 where he called Trump "Mussolini" and Trump doesn't like him anymore. (Funny how much these Republicans have changed! Wonder why.)

Regardless, that sound you hear right now is Wonkette and every other patriotic and informed American endlessly screaming and banging our heads against the wall and wondering how Stewart and his fellow Trump-humping Republicans manage to put on pants in the morning without injuring themselves.

Why would Putin want Trump? Dunno, Congressman, why did Putin want Trump in the first fucking place? Because the reasons back then are the same as the reasons now, except for how how Putin also had a personal vendetta against Hillary Clinton in 2016. But oh boy, there were a thousand reasons Putin preferred to have his puppet Donald Trump in the American presidency then, and there are a million more now!

Instead of endlessly screaming, Wonkette chooses to be helpful to Chris Stewart and anybody else who is as dumb as he is and answer his question. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED, DUMBASS.

Here is a long but not remotely exhaustive listicle! CLIP AND SHARE whenever someone is BEING AN IDIOT.

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Russia

Russia Trying To Re-Elect Trump, And He Is MAD (That Democrats Found Out)

Golly are we surprised.

Hey guess what! We know why Donald Trump fired acting Director of National Intelligence Joseph Maguire this week and felt the need to install the stupidest dipshit loyalist he knows, Ambassador to Germany Ric Grenell, a guy who couldn't find "intelligence" with his ass and both hands, as acting DNI immediately, even though Maguire was out the door next month, as mandated by law.

RUSSIA, IF YOU'RE LISTENING? OH, YOU ARE!

The House Intelligence Committee got a briefing one week ago, on February 13, where an agent of the DNI -- Trump's DNI, not "Obama People" DNI, not the Deep State that tried to sound the alarm in the months before the 2016 election -- told them that Russia is working its yaytsa (THAT MEANS BALLS) off to re-elect Donald Trump, and that this is the conclusion of "multiple intelligence agencies," according to the New York Times, just like it was in 2016. And Trump found out about it. (The briefing. We are sure he already knew Russia was IF YOU'RE LISTENING.) And he is maaaaaad. (That Democrats found out. Not that Russia yet again is attacking our democracy for his benefit, he LOVES that.)

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