Hello! I, Vladimir Putin, Will Have Revenge On Joe Biden For Visiting Kyiv First!
Lose a battle, win the war! And Russia did not lose battle! We won by not winning!
Greetings and hellos, debased Western fuck ogres of Wonkette! It is I, your great friend Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, here again to make with you the talking! Also to bring you belated New Year’s greetings. How was your New Year’s? Did you gather in hideous metropolis of New York to scream like banshees as bunch of lightbulbs descended pole? Your celebrations are so decadent and strange. When I was boy in Soviet Union, we would celebrate New Year’s by turning in neighbors for stealing extra potatoes from people’s glorious food collective. Sometimes as New Year’s treat, we were allowed to shoot them. Was good time!
But now I am sad to report to the depraved harridans of the Wonketariat that it has been a rough start to the year for Vladimir Vladimirovich. And not just because Netflix canceled service in Russia and now I cannot watch season four of delightful romantic comedy “You.” Penn Badgley! So charming! So lovelorn! So bloodthirsty!
Anyway, to Vladimir’s problems. First, it seems no one is paying attention to my global campaign for window safety. How else to explain recent tragedy of high-ranking member of Russian army command falling from 16th floor window? Or sausage tycoon – yes, really, the sausage king of Moscow – falling from window in India after criticizing special military operation in Ukraine?
Wonkette, does Vladimir stutter? Was Vladimir not clear? Did Vladimir not say that all Russians should be careful around windows? Most especially those who criticized Vladimir for invading phony nation of Ukraine? Please explain, then, why people keep going into buildings that have windows!
Is very bad for all Russia. For one thing, it makes FSB lazy. Why stage elaborate accident involving sexy Russian temptress, wetsuit, lubricant, funny clown wig, several empty bottles of Ripple, tube of silicone plumber’s caulk, old car battery from ’73 Volga, penguins, Glinda the Good Witch costume, JC Penney eight-track playing Sonny and Cher hit album “All I Ever Need Is You,” bathtub full of squeaky toys and poppyseed salad dressing, and branded Moscow Hustler Hollywood dildos of varying length and girth when window is right there?
Theoretically, of course. You heard nothing!
Second, your president Joe Biden visited fake Ukrainian city of Kyiv and did not invite his good friend Vladimir! In fact, United States specifically warned Russia not to come to Kyiv while he was there, or even lob friendship missiles at city to greet him. I tell President Biden so many times, stop by when you are in neighborhood! I tell him we will drink vodka and toss lynx on grill and have good time!
Then he is in neighborhood, and he blows Vladimir off! Says Vladimir would just feel like third wheel while he and President Zelensky pop nonalcoholic brewskis. Says if Russia even looks cross-eyed at Kyiv while he is there, he will give Ukrainian military an entire air wing of F-22s and several brigades’ worth of tanks!
Is very hurtful. Very Dark Brandon of him. Da, Dark Brandon. Vladimir is aware of all your Internet memes.
President Trump would have stopped by, and would have brought gifts of his delicious water and all NATO military battle plans for defending Europe from Russian invasion. I miss him.
Trump would have toasted the one-year anniversary of special military operation with Vladimir too. Yes, today is anniversary of Vladimir’s greatest feat, restoring glory of Ukraine by eliminating all the Ukrainians and every trace of their culture.
Or will be greatest feat soon. We just need to mobilize several hundred thousand more Russian soldiers and throw them in waves at Ukrainian lines. We are conscripting college students now. Unlike America, Russia is equitable society when it comes to sending cannon fodder to get blown up in imperialist wars.
Of course we will train them first! Russian soldier must be fierce. Russian soldier must be strong. Russian soldier must charge directly at Ukrainian machine gun nests with hundreds of his comrades. Ukrainian soldiers cannot shoot all of them.
I tell my war council, which is just an oil portrait of Peter the Great that talks to me – is true, painting talks, Vladimir is in right mind – I tell war council that yes, Ukraine Nazis fight harder than expected and did not roll over like effete French. And Joe Biden turned out to not be decrepit corpse being propped up at desk by male corset or plumbers' caulk or wife.
But! In precisely 23 months, good friend of Russia Donald Trump will return to Oval Office. At which time, as feral idiot son of Donald revealed, America will stop helping Ukraine. And don’t think Russia is not helping orange baboon and coked-out son … er, great compatriot of the motherland Donald Trump and glorious offspring to win election. We had much fun last time!
Then Ukrainians run out of bullets and will have to surrender and then Vladimir can go to Kyiv and laugh at them.
So! New plan! Old plan, of course, was lightning-fast takeover of entire country and giant victory parade. New plan is, find enough heroic corpses-in-waiting to run from Russian trenches directly at Ukrainian trenches over and over and over for the next two years like Slavic lemmings ... er, heroes of Mother Russia in giant stalemate until great friend Donald Trump is back in power and tells Zelensky to suck it.
Think of it as – what is word – homage to First World War. As you know, Vladimir loves history!
This is of course secret plan, Wonkette. You will stay quiet, or you will find yourselves with old five-shot Mosin-Nagant in muddy trench in Donbas. Is your choice.
Wonkette is fully funded by readers like you. These monologues cost money. Donate!
And Now Fox News Is Talking About Biden And (((Globalists))) Getting Rich Off Ukraine War. Subtle!
Monica Crowley. Real piece of shit, that one.
Monica Crowley is one of those Fox News idiots whose name you probably hear and think, "Wait, which one is that?" Hard to say, but let's crash course real quick.
She's a massive plagiarist, having gotten caught doing it both in her Ph.D. dissertation and in her 2012 book. She thought Arizona Gov. Katie Hobbs was mentally unstable because she laughed during her swearing-in. She said it meant Hobbs knew she was "illegitimate." So she's on team Kari Lake Vaseline Filter. That really tells you everything, but we can tell you more.
She's a Trump idiot, who served as a deputy assistant Treasury secretary, we are guessing because Trump saw her on Fox News and not because of her qualifications. Trump hires random people he thinks look good on TV, because he's dumb and shallow like that.
Crowley is an unhinged conspiracy theorist, who leaned heavy into the Barack Obama secret Muslim birther shit. "Can he be both loyal to Islam and loyal to the United States?” is a question she asked once.
Based on all that, we assess her to be quite stupid, batshit, and also a bigot.
So of course she's on Fox News commenting on Joe Biden's trip to Ukraine.
Normal people consider Biden's trip a triumph and a humiliation to Vladimir Putin, and normal people want Ukraine to beat back genocidal shithole Russia that invaded it and started exploding its kids. But Fox News has to paint the trip as a failure, and we don't just mean Tucker Carlson essentially reading out the Kremlin's press releases on live TV.
For a really good look at how deep the Russian propaganda has infected the brains in Imaginary Fox News Bonkers Land, check out this quick exchange between Crowley and host Jesse Watters, who is definitely also a real foreign policy expert just like Crowley is a real foreign policy expert.
As the clip begins, the on-screen graphic says "Biden's Bad Trip." His interview with Crowley begins with conspiracy theories that Joe Biden is not in charge. That Biden doesn't understand things. That he's senile. That he can't walk. All of this is projection, after these asses spent an entire presidency defending a president who couldn't stop bragging that he correctly identified the camel on the dementia test, and who looked like this walking down a ramp at West Point.
Crowley — on Fox News — said "the propaganda press had taken a page right out of Soviet propaganda," and also North Korea. She agreed that Biden doesn't understand things and cannot make sentences.
And Jesse asked:
Is the national security state telling Joe what to do? Is this the CIA and the Pentagon and some of these more hawkish advisers, are they just barreling Joe Biden towards a confrontation with Russia? Or is Joe Biden really calling the shots here?
Crowley said, "Hard to tell, Jesse." She made up a lie, or repeated a lie, about how the generals wouldn't tell Biden about the Chinese spy balloon for four days "because they knew he's really out of it and they were afraid he was going to blurt out the secret." (Here is the tick-tock of what Biden did about that dumb balloon that made all the white conservatives shit their pants so much.) She lied that "we have a commander-in-chief who is clearly not sentient most of the time."
Then she just started projectile barfing out Russian propaganda, with a soupçon of anti-Semitic dogwhistling.
CROWLEY: I think the national security state has a vested interest in keeping this war going, which is why you haven't seen any diplomatic efforts whatsoever toward peace.
WATTERS: None.
There will be no "peace" without Ukraine beating the living shit out of Russia to the point that Russia will never again think of even looking at Ukraine or any other former Soviet satellite or nearby NATO nation funny. (Here's an article about Putin's plan to go after Moldova next. Here's one about his plans to officially steal Belarus.) All else is Russian propaganda dedicated to making you think Russia has some sort of valid opinion here, some kind of legitimate foreign policy aims. Putin wants to conquer and kill in the name of his warped fantasies of Making Russia Great Again.
There is no "peace plan," Elon Musk. there is no "peace plan," Donald Trump. There is no "peace plan," MAGA trash.
You want peace? You help Ukraine win.
CROWLEY: Because we're all making a fortune off of this. Right. This is a -- this is a massive money laundering operation for the globalists and the ruling elite around the world.
Ohhhh, the (((globalists))), you say? Care to elaborate about the (((globalists)))?
CROWLEY: And Joe Biden is right there. Joe Biden has a long-standing history with Ukraine in terms of that corrupt regime and corrupt entities there pouring tens of millions of dollars into the Biden family. So he doesn't have an incentive to end this war either.
And now she's just babbling conspiracy theories without even a scintilla of evidence. It is literally the shit Donald Trump was trying to get Ukraine to make up for him, as he extorted them into helping him steal the 2020 election in exchange for protection from Russia.
It's just unbelievable.
This is the shit they're funneling into your Nana's impressionable brain. We're not surprised anymore. We're just typing it down for the record.
In related news, here is Donald Trump Jr. saying Joe Biden only went to Ukraine to bury Hunter's laptop in the backyard or something.
\u201cJunior says Biden really went to Ukraine to cover up evidence that might corroborate Hunter\u2019s laptop.\u201d— Ron Filipkowski \ud83c\uddfa\ud83c\udde6 (@Ron Filipkowski \ud83c\uddfa\ud83c\udde6) 1677015384
The end.
OPEN THREAD
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Has Putin Been Reading Libs Of TikTok Or Do All Bigots Just Sound The Same?
Rhetorical question.
Did everybody see that Joe Biden speech in Warsaw? It was a banger, a world-historical moment, five stars!
A BANGER! Let's Watch Biden's Historic Warsaw Address In Real Time!
As we noted, Vladimir Putin also gave a speech today, but they weren't competing speeches. Putin's was more like his mangled version of a State of the Union, where he talked about how well his quickie special military operation in Ukraine is going and the like. He didn't make a ton of news, except to say he's "suspending" Russia's participation in the New START nuclear proliferation treaty. Not pulling out completely, just "suspending." Because reasons. Reasons that are all America's fault. Womp womp.
(NATO and Secretary of State Antony Blinken are pissed, by the way.)
Elsewhere in his speech, Putin flat-out lied and said, "They were the ones who started the war." He said he's using force in Ukraine in order to "stop it." You betcha. The speech was what it was. Read the full Washington Post roundup if you'd like.
But in light of everything that's going on in America right now we'd like you to read this translated section of Putin's speech, where he got real hot and heavy into the culture war shit.
In this age of rightwing smear campaigns and violence incitement against LGBTQ+ people, by Twitter accounts like Libs of TikTok, by Tucker Carlson, by Ron DeSantis and his vile spokesperson, and so many more. In these days of attacking transgender kids and accusing drag queens of preying on children.
See what you notice.
\u201cPutin:\n\n\u201cWest is PERVERTING their own people, destroying the FAMILY, mocking children, even PEDOPHILIA is declared the norm - they are even considering God to be gender neutral! We must protect our children from DEGREDATION and DEGENERATION.\u201d\u201d— \ud83c\udf41Antonio Tweets \ud83d\udce3 (@\ud83c\udf41Antonio Tweets \ud83d\udce3) 1676985793
“Look at what they are doing in the West. They distort historical facts, do not stop their attacks on Russian culture, on the Russian Orthodox Church. The West is perverting the family, the national identity.
“They are making pedophilia the norm in their lives, and priests encourage same-sex marriage. Forgive them Father, they know not what they do.
“The Anglican Church is planning — so far only planning — to look into the idea of a gender-neutral God. What do you say to that?
“We are obligated to protect our children from degradation and degeneracy.”
OK groomer!
Of course, this is far from the first time Putin has gotten into this shit. His war on LGBTQ+ people has been going for years, and he and his religious mouthpiece Kirill, patriarch of the Russian Orthodox Church, have specifically said that the Russian war on Ukraine is actually Russia's war against the decadent values of the West. In fact, LGBTQ+ people have been Putin's favorite scapegoats pretty much from the get-go. Read Kirill's weirdass shit about gay pride parades causing the war. It's pretty constant.
And of course, Putin has been cultivating this relationship with the American white fascist Christian Right, and they with him, for a long time.
But isn't it amazing how much Putin's tirade sounds exactly like American rightwing discourse now? The random, baseless accusations of pedophilia? Bellyaching about marriage equality? Meaningless paeans about protecting the children?
The whining that the Anglicans might eliminate God's cock is a bit weird, but we're sure it'll show up in American rightwing media before too long, hahaha just kidding here's Tucker.
That's from 2018, though. The newest push, the latest reason this is in the headlines, and in Putin's speech, is bubbling around rightwing media as we speak.
Let's give Tucker time to write a new and more unhinged masculinity diatribe about it. Bet it'll be real fuckin' weird.
That's all we wanted you to see, Putin sounds like Libs of TikTok, Libs of TikTok sounds like Putin, they're all playing from the same unhinged fucked up playbook.
And people wonder why MAGA conservatives are so far up Russia's ass these days.
[JoeMyGod]
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Russian Media Having Wee Tiny Conniption Over Biden Ukraine Visit, Bless Their Hearts
They're openly talking about how upset they are that they didn't 'whack' Biden. So that's unhinged.
We mentioned in our post this morning about Tucker Carlson's daily North Korean News Lady Readout Of Vladimir Putin's Spank Bank Material that Russian media probably was able to clip a bunch of it to show Daddy. (They love doing that, it's their favorite.)
It's probably good they have Tucker to distract them, because Russian media watcher Julia Davis reports at the Daily Beast that Russian media is furious about Joe Biden's badass trip to Ukraine to see fellow badass Volodymyr Zelenskyy. They apparently spent days saying Biden would definitely not go to Ukraine, and would instead just go to Poland as planned. (The Biden administration notified the Russian government in advance, presumably because had there been any "accidents" we would have had to have nuked them off the face of the fucking earth, as per the diplomatic protocol.)
Then Biden just ... showed up.
Visibly unsettled, 60 Minutes host Olga Skabeeva announced, “The White House has confirmed that Biden really is in the Ukrainian capital. He really came to the Ukrainian capital. Zelensky just published the pictures... There he is, Biden, in the flesh.”
He was just right fuckin' there, Jesus. With Zelenskyy. Together.
The program then played footage of the smiling American president walking alongside Zelensky and shaking hands with Ukrainian officials. The clip was set to dramatic music more suitable for a horror movie.
Tucker did say last night that Zelenskyy is an "instrument of total destruction." Guys like that get their own theme music.
Military expert Evgeny Buzhinsky surmised, “Clearly, the West is headed towards an escalation... I think we should also cautiously start to walk down a path of escalation... The West has many vulnerabilities.”
QUICK SIDEBAR! It sure is interesting, all the people who are just HELLBENT that this is heading toward an "escalation" right now. (Cue Zelenskyy theme music.)
Marjorie Taylor Greene is hereby demanding we send her money so she can do a magical ad campaign to stop World War III.
Here's Tulsi Gabbard and Tucker Carlson babbling at each other last night about how Zelenskyy and Biden are forcing us into WWIII. Gabbard said Zelenskyy is trying to turn this into a NATO war and that this WILL lead to nuclear war. (Reminder: Scaremongering about nuclear war is pretty much just concern-trolling bullshit that serves Putin's narratives more than anything.) Tucker said Zelenskyy is asking American families to die over his "border dispute." That's probably news to you.
\u201cThe warmongers are trying to drag us into WW3, which can only end in one way: nuclear annihilation and the suffering and death of all our loved ones. Zelensky, Biden, NATO, congressional and media neocons are insane. And we are insane if we passively allow them to lead us into\u2026\u201d— Tulsi Gabbard \ud83c\udf3a (@Tulsi Gabbard \ud83c\udf3a) 1676979256
Fuck both of those garbage humans, obviously, but now go back to what the Russian military expert just above said. “Clearly, the West is headed towards an escalation," he said. "I think we should also cautiously start to walk down a path of escalation." You know, because of how Biden and Zelenskyy are forcing them into it, like the Russians and their American mouthpieces say.
Tucker So Mad Joe Biden Forced Russia Into Nuclear War We're Having Right Now
Is There Any Russian Propaganda Useful Imbecile Elon Musk Won't Fall For?
But anyway, back to the Russian media that speaks Russian!
The military expert Buzhinsky had ideas for retaliating against America for (allegedly) blowing up the Nord Stream 2 pipeline. (Just like Tucker did.) By the way, the only person actually reporting that America blew up that pipeline is Seymour Hersh, who has been Gone Batshit for a hot minute now. The rest is just insinuations.
Then the host shared her thoughts on whether they should have just assassinated Joe Biden:
“Americans seemingly assume that we aren’t planning to respond to anything, since they’re sending even their Biden to Ukraine.” She questioned the wisdom of Russia going along with the trip and purportedly agreeing not to strike Kyiv during the presidential visit: “If we gave these security guarantees, then what for?” Buzhinsky replied, “Well, you know, perhaps we could have whacked Biden, but it would have been too much.” Skabeeva retorted, “So it’s too much to whack Biden, but it’s OK to threaten Putin and it’s also fine to blow up the Nord Stream? It’s not about aggression, it’s about the logic: where is it?”
Poor Russia. They're not allowed to "whack Biden" and they can't retaliate for pipeline and Ukrainians just keep running into their missiles.
Buzhinsky didn’t object to the idea of killing the American president, as long as his replacement was more in line with Russia’s interests. He wasn’t comfortable with the thought of Vice President Kamala Harris at the helm, claiming that, unlike Biden, Harris would be completely unrestrained in her response to Russia and would present an even worse option for the Kremlin.
Well, you know, Kamala Harris was the one who forced Putin to invade Ukraine in the first place, we saw that on Tucker.
As opposed to Skabeeva’s suggestion of assassinating Biden, he regretted that the U.S. president wasn’t at least terrorized during his trip. Buzhinsky daydreamed that if Biden traveled to Ukraine by helicopter, he would have been escorted by Russian planes all the way to Kyiv, leaving him with an indelible impression.
How you say "if wishes were horses" in Russian?
Irritated, Skabeeva pointed out, “Following your logic, if we’re not starting this confrontation because the replacement will be even worse, then why did we even start this at all? What if everything will only get worse?” She claimed that Biden is “promising to destroy and dismember the Russian Federation.” Buzhinsky stressed that the American president was not the first world leader to visit Kyiv, and Russia should have started by taking out former UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson: “If we wanted to do this, we should have started much sooner.”
Good LORD, these are not happy campers, if they're losing it on Russian TV trying to figure out how to go back in a time machine and assassinate Boris Johnson.
We don't feel like this is the punditry of people who are currently winning a war. We are just saying. And remarkably, they seem to be kinda saying that out loud:
Pointing to the photograph of Biden hugging Zelensky, Skabeeva bitterly [said], “I think this is the photo of the year... both of them are crying and are endlessly happy to see each other! As far as me resorting to extremes, I’m not for extreme measures. What I’m saying is that Russia’s special operation in Ukraine has been going on for a year and is far from reaching its goals. There is a huge number of deaths. The United States of America and the entire so-called collective West are acting as though we’re incapable of some kind of a retaliatory strike. We keep demonstrating our peacefulness.”
Yeah, you betcha, it's only going poorly because Russia has shown such restraint.
There's a hell of a lot more — more whining about Russia's humiliations, more Russian fantasies about Kyiv being their city, and one analyst, Sergei Markov, saying that this has been a "huge victory" for Joe Biden and that he has "largely cemented his own ability to run for another term in the next election.” So that's cool.
But if you haven't read the stories on how they pulled off the "Rail Force One" train ride to get Joe Biden safely to Kyiv, check out this story in the AP and then read this thread from the guy in charge of the railroads on the Ukrainian side. It's all fun, but we really like where he apologizes that the trains only ran 90 percent on time yesterday. They'll do better next time the leader of the free world is traveling across Ukraine, they promise.
\u201cSo, here is the story of @POTUS's visit to #Kyiv and how #RailForceOne was born.\n\nGrab some \ud83c\udf7f, @Amtrak.\n\nDanger: long \ud83e\uddf5 ahead.\u201d— Alexander Kamyshin (@Alexander Kamyshin) 1676970205
By the way, President Biden is speaking at 11:30 Eastern from Warsaw. We're gonna liveblog it. And then Russian media and Tucker are gonna be MAD AT HIM SO MUCH. Etc.
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