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Russia

Today Would Be A Good Day For Moscow Mitch To Go F*ck Himself With A Russian Matryoshka Doll

To be fair, all days are good days for that.

Moscow Mitch McConnell went on the Hugh Hewitt show to cry and bitch and moan in Cyrillic alphabet sounds about how he doesn't like being called Moscow Mitch.

It went about as well as you'd expect.

HH: Senator, let me begin by talking to you about nicknames. I played the Cocaine song, because Cocaine Mitch is a popular hashtag among people like me. Grim Reaper is as well. But Moscow Mitch is McCarthyism. That's absolutely despicable. What do you think of the last one?

MM: Yeah, I mean, it's modern day McCarthyism.

Yeah, I mean, except for how Moscow Mitch and Hugh Hewitt need to get a room so they can go fuck themselves right now. Because the thing with McCarthyism was that it was a false charge, with literally zero evidence against most of the people targeted.

Whereas with Moscow Mitch ...

[Wonkette takes deep breath for copy/pasting thing we have BEEN OVER FIVE THOUSAND FUCKING TIMES NOW]

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Russia

​Is Trump A Russian Asset, A Stupid Idiot, Or ALL OF THEM, KATIE? Spies And Former Spies Say You Betcha!

None of their answers are comforting.

Did all that shit with the G7 really happen this week? Seems like forever ago, but this is the Trump era, where every single minute is a long, slow walk through hell, so we guess it was really just earlier this week.

One of the most embarrassing, yet predictable features of this year's G7 was Donald Trump's slobbering insistence on being his real dad Vladimir Putin's man in the room, even though Putin was kicked out of the group several years back, for his illegal invasion and annexation of the Crimean peninsula. But oh no, Donald Trump said, as he has said before! Putin was kicked out because he HUMILIATED BARACK OBAMA, and so the entire G7 kicked Putin out because OBAMA'S FEELINGS GOT HURTED! That's right, yet again Trump took the side of America's greatest foreign adversary, and against the former president of the United States. Anyway, Putin should be invited back in, because Trump is lonely in a room full of world leaders who believe in democracy and have self esteem.

Over at Business Insider, reporter Sonam Sheth got on the talking telephone machine and dialed up some current and former spies and Justice Department officials, to see what they thought of President Russian Asset's little performance. None of them had good things to say, but their replies were mixed. Is he a literal actual Russian asset? Or is he just the stupidest, most impulsive, most wholly unqualified person to ever have access to the nuclear codes? Or is it BOTH?

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Russia

Michael Flynn Would Like More Time To Prove He Didn't Do Thing He Admitted Doing In Open Court

Lotsa luck, fella.

This morning, Michael Flynn's batshit new layer Sidney "Emoji War Crime" Powell and the government submitted a Joint Status Report to the court. Sadly, we're going to have to wait a bit longer to see if Judge Emmet Sullivan will LOCK HER UP Trump's lyinass former national security advisor. Not that Flynn will ever do time, since Our Gangster President is clearly going to pardon him and the rest of the crooks in his cabal. BUT STILL, it would be nice to see that bastard get some kind of sentence.

Prosecutors and Counselor Bugfuck agree on one thing: Flynn's cooperation has now come to an end. In case anyone failed to work that out when Flynn decided on the eve of his crony Bijan Rafiekian's trial to blow up his plea deal by "remembering" that he had, in fact, always believed that they were working for an IRL Dutch company, not an obvious cut-out for the Turkish government. (Which meant he was doing literal actual foreign agent work.) At the eleventh hour, Powell was able to jog Flynn's memory and help him recall that actually it was his old lawyers who filled out the paperwork ALL wrong. Poor, naive National Security Advisor Michael Flynn, a career military man who held a security clearance for three decades! Such bad luck that HE WUZ FRAMED by the FBI, the Deep State, and his own lawyers! What are the odds?

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Russia

Inspector General Says James Comey Not A Criminal, Just A Very Saucy Boy!

BUT HIS MEMOS!

Finally, some answers to all our burning questions! Is Donald Trump correct to say all the time that James Comey is a dadgum criminal? Or is Donald Trump the real criminal and therefore always very angry at everybody who might be in a position to reveal his crimes? And is James Comey just a total gossipy Heather who needs to just OMG STOP?

The Department of Justice's Inspector General, Michael Horowitz, has released his report on James Comey's bad terrible awfulness with his personal memos documenting Donald Trump's criminal behavior, including when Comey leaked one of those memos to the press, and big surprise, Comey is not a criminal. Therefore he will not be prosecuted. He may have done a couple of marginally naughty things and violated a couple of FBI policies, and one memo he gave his attorneys had SIX WORDS that were retroactively classified, but he is not a criminal. The IG found no evidence any of those six words were shared with the press. The memo he gave his pal to give to the New York Times contained no classified information.

That means Donald Trump, known liar, lied multiple times when he accused Comey of being a criminal who leaked classified information. Have we mentioned Donald Trump is a liar? We should mention that.

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Russia

Uh Oh, Donald Trump! DEUTSCHE BANK COMETH!

Tick-tock, motherfucker.

Throughout the Trump campaign and presidency, there is one major thing President Gold Potty has most not wanted to talk about or reveal, and that is the contents of his taxes and financial records. (You know, besides the extent of his collusions and conspiracies and cahootses with Russia. And that might be the same thing as the other thing.) Everything else ... we're not going to say it's been fair game, because fucker's got a LOT of secrets and commits LOTS of crimes in plain sight, but that's the only thing that, when Democrats took the House of Representatives, he literally hired an entire new law firm to keep hidden, and those lawyers have been suing the pants off literally everybody who dares to ask to see Trump's financials and taxes. (And they've been using the world's most dumbfuckingest "legal" arguments in so doing!)

And the question has always been WHY? Is it because Trump's not as rich as he says he is? PFFFFT. Everybody assumes that, and he'd likely just explain to his pig-smell followers that of course all smart rich people look like they're not worth very much on paper. Trust him, he is a YOOGE BILLIONAIRE, and he is a poor man's idea of a rich man, so they'll buy it. Is it that he doesn't pay hardly fuck-all in taxes? He admitted as much during the campaign, in a debate, and said it was because he was smart. Nah, there's gotta be other shit in there he's desperate to hide.

Lawrence O'Donnell reported a thing on his MSNBC show last night that might be a clue to what Trump's trying to hide, and IF TRUE, it is definitely a "NO PUPPET! NO PUPPET! YOU ARE THE PUPPET!" situation. We emphasize IF TRUE, because O'Donnell is emphasizing IF TRUE, as it at this point is a single-source report.

That said, IF TRUE:

The first part, like we said, completely expected. The second? Whoa. (IF TRUE.) Russian oligarch co-signers?

(Did we mention IF TRUE? Remember back in 2017, when somebody tried to fool Rachel Maddow with a forged Trump-Russia collusion document, at which point the real story became that someone or a group of someones was trying to fool journalists with fake Russia-style disinformation scoops, because Rachel Maddow is not A Idiot? The point is IF TRUE. We're waiting for more confirmation before we talk about this without saying IF TRUE.)

We should note very prominently here that Donald Trump's lawyers are VERY MAD AT LAWRENCE O'DONNELL RIGHT NOW:

UPDATE: And now Lawrence O'Donnell has responded.

So MSNBC is holding him to the wall for this, which is in part to be expected, since it's just a single source. Of course, the story is not over, and we note that O'Donnell didn't exactly retract what he reported, but just rather said he shouldn't have reported it. We're just as interested as you are to see where this goes! UPDATE OVER!

So either O'Donnell's single-source reporting was wildly wrong, or it was wildly right and Team Trump is freaked out. Oh well, if Trump decided to sue O'Donnell, discovery might be a bitch!

Anyway, we don't know if it's true. But IF IT'S TRUE, man oh man, that would explain a lot. If Trump needs Russian oligarch co-signers to get his hinky loans approved, that would begin answering so many questions. Like:

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Russia

We Need To Talk Some More About President BabbleSh*t's Humiliating G7 Performance

Is his brain leaking all the way out of his head? Is he a Russian asset? Or is it both?

A bunch of stories have come out in the past 24-48 hours about things President Stable Genius did at the G7 that ... look, we've been saying forever that the man is bugfuck crazy and is probably in the throes of some sort of dementia and that if your dad did and said one percent of the shit he does, you'd either take him to a neurologist or drop him off on the front porch of a fire station, depending on your relationship with your dad.

But people more polite than Yr Wonkette are saying it out loud a lot more, and for good reason. Consider that all of these things happened at the G7 in the space of just a couple days. (And yes, Rachel Maddow covered a lot of this in her "A" block last night. She's helpful like that.)

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Russia

House Judiciary Committee Finally Lighting A Fire Under Don McGahn's Ass

Pony up, fuckers!

It's about damn time! The House Judiciary Committee has finally asked the US District Court in DC to call bullshit on the Trump administration's claim that congressional oversight is ILLEGAL because of some made up claim of "absolute immunity" that White House Counsel Pat Cipollone pulled out of his smarmy, Covington Catholic ass. And if Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson isn't willing to grant summary judgment on this legal question, perhaps she will be willing to order former White House Counsel Don McGahn, who witnessed all the obstruction of justice, to get his behind into the committee for testimony pronto, since it's considering whether to recommend impeachment and needs access to all the evidence to carry out its constitutionally mandated duty.

Yep, the committee is using the "I" word. Again. 44 times in 57 pages. Oh, it's on.

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Russia

Rudy Giuliani Is Just Asking Questions

About the Seth Rich murder! About the Joe Biden Ukrainium One 'scandal' he made up in his brain! All of it!

Rudy Giuliani, that great seeker of knowledge, is just asking questions. Far be it from Donald Trump's personal unpaid lawyer to suggest that Hillary Clinton had DNC staffer Seth Rich murdered for leaking emails to Julian Assange. But he's just so curious!

When reached for comment by the Daily Beast's Will Sommer, Chatty Cathy referred to "nagging coincidences," saying, "I vaguely remember it and was asking a question about whether it was ever investigated fully. [...] Don't remember if it was ever solved? Was it." A normal person might ask Mr. Google, but Rudy's a busy guy, so he just put it out for his research assistant, Mr. Twitter. And if he prolongs the agony for Seth Rich's parents by implying that their dead son was a disloyal leaker, well, "some degree of emotional pain" is just the price they have to pay for Rudy's insatiable curiosity.

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Russia

Overstock Dude Says He Only Pretended To Bone Russian Spy Maria Butina For Love Of Country

Why are you like this, 2019?

GO HOME 2019, YOU ARE DRUNK! The country cannot take another batshit news cycle with an insane, libertarian CEO waving around his wizened wiener, shouting that the evil Deep State made him bone Russian spy Maria Butina. We are all so, so tired. And yet, here we are, having to learn about Overstock.com owner Patrick Byrne, the looniest corporate titan on the block since the feds picked up John McAfee.

Okay, fine. Glove up, kids, we're going in.

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Media/Entertainment

Ted Cruz So Mad At New York Times You'd Think It Called His Wife Ugly

Haha, it's funny because that was Donald Trump.

Disney villain henchman Ted Cruz is has been having a full-blown Twitter tantrum all week long over the failing New York Times. The Texas senator is pissed because the Times has moved on from accusing Donald Trump of colluding with Russia (as if that's even a real country) to implying that white people once owned black people (wow, if true).

Cruz believes the New York Times is part of a liberal conspiracy to convince Americans that Trump is racist. These diabolical "journalists" will achieve this by covering all the racist things Trump says and does, and because Trump is so damn racist, the Times might have to create a whole new infrastructure to handle all the breaking racist news.

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Russia

Nancy Pelosi Calls Moscow Mitch By His Name

Addison Mitchelovich McConnelov!

Oh no, everyone! Remember how Moscow Mitch McConnell really hates being called Moscow Mitch? He really hates it.

(TBH, he probably prefers Addison Mitchelovich McConnelov, as it is more formal and genteel for a Russo-Kentuckian gentleman such as himself. Considering how the benefits of his actions as the Senate Majority Leader redound mostly to the Kremlin and the puppet it installed in the White House in 2016, and never ever to the people of Kentucky or the American people at large, we must assume that deep inside his rotting heart, he is OK with the "Moscow" part.)

Anyway, POINT BEING, Nancy Pelosi went and said a naughty and called Moscow Mitch the name! And John Cornyn is MAD:

Awwwww, FUCK OFF, JOHN CORNYN, AND WHILE YOU'RE DOWN THERE, EAT SOME OF THESE HERE DICKS.

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Russia

​Uh Oh, Something Went Boom In Russia

Now is not the time to panic. You know, unless it is.

OH SHIT, Y'ALL. "Chernobyl" is one of the best TV things to happen this whole entire year, and now there's been some sort of nuclear reactor explosion on the northern coast of Russia. Are they doing a live re-enactment of the Chernobyl disaster just to prove that they still have the capability to fuck some shit up with a combination of incompetence, hubris, and overall bad decision making? Because if so, we already knew that.

Wonkette is joking and being mean, and we shouldn't be doing that, because "at least" seven people died. But it sounds like whatever happened, it happened yet again during a test -- this time probably most likely of a nuclear missile Vladimir Putin is totally borscht-ing his pants about.

American intelligence officials are racing to understand a mysterious explosion that released radiation off the coast of northern Russia last week, apparently during the test of a new type of nuclear-propelled cruise missile hailed by President Vladimir V. Putin as the centerpiece of Moscow's arms race with the United States. [...]

United States intelligence officials have said they suspect the blast involved a prototype of what NATO calls the SSC-X-9 Skyfall. That is a cruise missile that Mr. Putin has boasted can reach any corner of the earth because it is partially powered by a small nuclear reactor, eliminating the usual distance limitations of conventionally fueled missiles.

As envisioned by Mr. Putin, who played animated video of the missile at a state-of-the-union speech in 2018, the Skyfall is part of a new class of weapons designed to evade American missile defenses.

Great, just great.

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Featured

Andrew McCabe Is Back To Discovery The Sh*t Out Of The FBI

Are you there Donald? It's me, Andy.

Former deputy FBI director Andy McCabe is back, and he just dumped a whole pile of ugly receipts on Donald Trump's desk. McCabe's wrongful termination lawsuit accuses the Department of Justice and the FBI of abetting "Trump's unconstitutional plan and scheme to discredit and remove DOJ and FBI employees who were deemed to be his partisan opponents because they were not politically loyal to him." If Peter Strzok was aggrieved in his suit filed two days ago, McCabe is furious. He's here for his pension, sure. But also, he's ready to burn that shit down to the ground.

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Russia

​Sue Gordon's Resignation Letter To Trump Is Best 'F*ck You' Since ... Wait, Who's Sue Gordon Again?

Another highly qualified public servant bites the dust.

As we've been writing about Donald Trump's pathetic and terrifying search for a new Director of National Intelligence, now that Dan Coats is being quit-fired for being too decent and qualified, we've introduced y'all to a new character named Sue Gordon. By law, in the absence of a confirmed DNI, the principal deputy director of national intelligence is to become the acting DNI, and that's career CIA official Sue Gordon. She's extremely well-liked in the intel community, and anyway let's cut the shit, SUE GORDON, YOU'RE FIRED.

Gordon has "announced" that she totally wants to quit the same day as Dan Coats, which conveniently is the only legal way for Trump to get an acting DNI to his liking, instead of some dumb terrible person who does her job well and has the respect of her peers. You bet, this was for sure her very own idea!

Except nah.

As we mentioned in the headline, her resignation letter is a thing of beauty, but we're not talking about the official resignation letter itself, but the handwritten note Gordon appended to it. Therein lies the fuck you:

"Mr. President – I offer this letter as an act of respect & patriotism, not preference. You should have your team. Godspeed, Sue."

FUCK. Those 22 words speak VOLUMES. Translation: "Hey President Dickbag, I really am not in the mood to have my 30-year career ended because of the whims of a petulant shitmouthed authoritarian Putin puppet, but sure whatever, do what you want. See you in hell, LOVE, SUE."

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Russia

In Case You Haven't Heard, We're Impeaching The Motherf*cker

JUST LIKE RASHIDA TLAIB SAID.

Last night, House Judiciary Committee Chair Jerry Nadler gave everybody what they've been asking for, telling CNN's Erin Burnett that actually we are already in the formal impeachment process. Have we not been saying?


NADLER: This IS formal impeachment proceedings. We are investigating all the evidence, we're gathering the evidence, and we will at the conclusion of this, hopefully by the end of the year, vote articles of impeachment to the House floor, or we won't. That's a decision that we'll have to make. But that's exactly the process we're in right now.

And the people cheered, except some of the people were like "what?" and some of the other people were like "IN-PEACH! WHY WON'T YOU IN-PEACH!" and then some other people were still yelling at Nancy Pelosi ... the point is all the people in the crowd didn't chant the same exact thing, but that's OK.

Upon hearing this, we imagine Donald Trump threw a mighty fit and threatened to send Jerry Nadler back to his country, just kidding, Jerry Nadler is a white man, Trump didn't say that. But Nadler is Jewish, so we're sure President Bennetton Ad will come up with something offensive to say.

We've been noting that the House Judiciary Committee has been making serious and precise moves ever since the Robert Mueller testimony, filing to get the redacted 6(e) grand jury information from the Mueller Report, and this week, filing to enforce the subpoena on former White House counsel Don McGahn. In both filings, the word "impeach" has appeared no fewer than 80 bajillion times, so it's not like they're being subtle. On the Rachel Maddow program last night, Nadler confirmed the reason for getting a court to order McGahn's testimony, which is that a ruling compelling it will by extension open the floodgates for the committee to get every single other damning testimony it needs to fully flesh out its case against Trump, live and on TV.

But as Maddow noted last night, there are a couple other things happening right now that also will probably end up contributing to the ongoing formal impeachment proceedings underway:

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