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New Years Eve

2019: The Year We IMPEACHED THE MOTHERF*CKER

Fuck yeah we did.

We did it! Just need to put down a quick marker right here in this series of New Year's Eve posts, because we. fucking. did. it.

Let's go back to the beginning of the year, when incoming Democratic Rep. Rashida Tlaib got "caught" on tape saying, "We're going to impeach the motherfucker!"

She wasn't wrong.

Maxine Waters and a couple of other reps like Al Green have been talking impeachment forfuckingever, but in 2019 we. fucking. did. it.

Did we say we fucking did it yet? We. fucking. did. it.

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New Years Eve

2019: Rudy Giuliani's Crazyass Year

It was real crazyass!

It's been a hell of a year for the president's pro bono lawyer Rudy Giuliani. It started when Rudy admitted on live television that his client was negotiating with Russia to build Trump Tower Moscow all the way up to the election, NO COLLUSION! It ended with Rudy drooling onto his sweater, ranting about WHO IS JOO, and under investigation by his old office at the Southern District of New York. Along the way, there were ten thousand butt dials, one hideous divorce, and his Ukrainian machinations managed to get Donald Trump impeached. So all in all, it was an amazing success!

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Russia

Lindsey Graham Just Wondering If Roodles The Clown Is Full Of Russian Propaganda. SPOILER, LINDSEY!

It is a conundrum.

Lindsey Graham has a concern, everyone.

After spending so many hours cuddling up to Donald Trump;

After starting a bullshit "investigation" in the Senate Judiciary Committee into Rudy Giuliani's conspiracy theories about Joe Biden's fake nefarious activities in Ukraine;

After indeed saying it would be a great idea if Rudy Giuliani would come to the Senate and testify about those conspiracy theories, which he gets from shady-ass mofos in Ukraine;

And after Fiona Hill and the other impeachment witnesses and the entire US intelligence community stated clearly that fantastical stories about how UKRAINE IS THE REAL COLLUSION are Kremlin propaganda ...

Lindsey Graham is suddenly just now worried that Rudy Giuliani might be spreading Russian propaganda. Maybe. Perhaps.

SPOILER ALERT, LINDSEY.

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Journamalism

Chuck Todd Yanks Pants Up, Demands To Know Who Sh*t On The Floor

CHUTZPAH!

Chuck Todd has had A EPIPHANY! In year four of the maelstrom of mendacity that is the Trump administration, the esteemed host of "Meet the Press" has finally grokked that the entire Republican platform involves coalescing around a lie and never deviating from it under any circumstance. Like, Ermahgerrrrrd!!!

Here's Chuck Todd, who covered various Republican lies about Hillary Clinton's Buttery Benghazi Emails and Uranium One, explaining to Rolling Stone that he was SHOCKED, SHOCKED at Republican disingenuousness about the Joe Biden Ukraine smear.

I fully admit, listening to you ask that question now, and me giving you the honest answer of, yeah, I guess I really believed they wouldn't do this. Just so absurdly naive in hindsight. Donald Trump's entire life has been spent using misinformation. His entire life.

Yes, perhaps it was naive for someone who spent his entire life in the media to cover Donald Trump's Republican Party as if it were going to behave like a "normal" political movement. But Chuck Todd's not to blame for treating the rantings of a birther lunatic who thinks windmills spew poison gas as if they might be true. It's not Todd's fault, see, because Donald Trump is a Svengali of lies, who "learned at the feet of a master of deception in Roy Cohn, who learned at the feet of the original master of deception of sort of the modern political era in Joe McCarthy." And who is Chuck Todd, mere mortal, to withstand the supernatural strength of Roy Cohn and Joe McCarthy combined, cleverly disguised as a guy who can't string ten coherent words together?

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Russia

Who Tells Trump Sweet Little Lies About Ukraine? OH, WHO THE F*CK YOU THINK?

We're gonna need to see those Trump-Putin call transcripts and interpreter notes and Secret Santa gift swaps and ALL OF IT.

The day after Donald Trump was impeached for soliciting Ukraine to announce fake investigations in order to help him in his 2020 election, and also to soothe his wounded ego over being a president who only squeaked into office in 2016 because Vladimir Putin gave him a piggyback ride and carried him across the finish line, the story just kept unfolding in the Washington Post.

Know where Trump got the CRAZY idea that Russia didn't meddle in the 2016 election, but rather Ukraine did, in order to help Hillary Clinton steal the election from herself? Former top White House aides are pretty sure Putin personally planted it in the president's mouth.

If that sounds familiar, it is because it is the type of thing Wonkette jokes about constantly, secure in the knowledge that the Washington Post will probably eventually report that our jokes are in point of fact 100 percent accurate.

Like right now:

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Russia

Impeachy The Clown Mad About Senate Russian Sanctions Bill, WHAT? NO! REALLY?

Not Impeachy The Clown!

Donald Trump was impeached for bribing and pressuring Ukraine (our ally) to announce fake investigations into his political rival Joe Biden in exchange for desperately needed military aid and a White House visit, both of which are crucial for Ukraine's position in trying to end its war with Russia (our adversary), in order to help him steal the 2020 election. We've discussed many times how the Ukraine story is really the Russia story -- as Nancy Pelosi famously said, "All roads lead to Putin."

In Trump's shit-yapper third-grader-on-bath-salts letter to Pelosi this week, he got very mad about Pelosi saying that, because, he claims, he has been VERY TOUGH on Russia. (It's like a game he and Putin play, we guess. Putin, the dom, occasionally allows Trump, the submissive, to play-act being VERY TOUGH.)

That bullshit aside, it should come as no shock at all that, as Trump was being impeached for a Ukraine story that is actually a Russia story, Betsy Swan reported at the Daily Beast that the Trump administration is VERY GRRR MAD about a package of sanctions against Russia that the Senate Foreign Relations Committee passed Wednesday morning.

WHAT? But they've never been irrationally angry about Russian sanctions before!

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Guns

Weep, Weep For Sad And Friendless Wayne LaPierre, He's Having A Real Hard Time

Just ask him, he'll tell you all about it in the third person.

Poor, poor Wayne LaPierre! The NRA CEO recently sat down with New York Times reporter Danny Hakim to talk about how depressed he is from all the legal battles engulfing his death-stick lobby group for the past two years.

"It was horribly painful. I mean, it's the most painful period of my life."

Probably not as painful as getting shot or losing your child in a school shooting because the NRA blocked an assault weapons ban. But, you know, really painful! And it's not as if Wayne LaPierre isn't touched by the scourge of gun violence. Having to go out and defend his organization when all these people are saying "Hey, how come it's more important for you assholes to carry a murder weapon around all day than for my kid to stay alive?" takes a lot out of a man.

"All these horrible tragedies — after every one, Wayne would be the guy going out there in the media," he said, referring to himself in the third person. "From Columbine to — you name it — to the Navy Yard to Aurora to Sandy Hook. Every one of them, I was the guy — Parkland — I was the guy out there in the media." The N.R.A. was "so miscast by the media," he insisted, he saw little reason to engage reporters. "You just didn't get a fair shot anymore."

Say what you will about Ackerman McQueen (AMc), the parasitic infection cum advertising company which handled the NRA's media appearances for the past 20 years, but at least those moochers stopped Wayne from giving interviews like this one.

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Crime

pAUl mANAfoRT dIdN't hEArt aTtACk hImSeLf

OR DID HE? Also Rick Gates is going to jail for 22 weeks of Sundays.

We haven't thought that much about Rick Gates lately, but he's been back there this whole time, cooperating with the feds in multiple investigations like his former boss Paul Manafort did not. Anyway, Gates was sentenced to 22 weeks of Sundays and 23 weeks of Saturdays in prison today, even though he cooperated very goodly.

But anyway, SPEAKING OF PAUL MANAFORT, BREAKING PAUL MANAFORT NEWS.

Huh. Well, we could think all day and not find anything appropriate to say in such a time as this. Don't die, little buddy! You still got lots of secrets to tell, not that you're probably ever going to spill it, lest Putin's boys decide to take a voyage to America to do the Clinton Body Count to you, allegedly.

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lawsplainer

How Sorry Is Michael Flynn That He Hired This Nutbag Lawyer?

Oh, pretty substantially sorry, we're guessing.

A year ago, Trump's first national security adviser, Michael Flynn, almost found himself in the hoosegow after trying to persuade Judge Emmet G. Sullivan that, notwithstanding his guilty plea, it was really the FBI's fault that he told them all those lies about his conversation with Russian Ambassador Sergei Kislyak. A rational human being, when given the opportunity to avoid jail time by cooperating a whole lot more with the FBI, would not try that shit again with His Honor. But Michael Flynn is not a rational human being, and neither is Sidney "Emoji Warcrime" Powell, the batshit lawyer he hired after ditching his competent counsel at DC law firm Covington & Burling.

Before Powell had even entered her appearance as Flynn's lawyer, she sent a secret manifesto to the Justice Department urging Attorney General Bill Barr to "dismiss the prosecution of General Flynn in the interest of justice -- whether it be we ink a joint motion or sua sponte by the Department." And then, despite Judge Sullivan's very clear signal that Michael Flynn would not get the benefit of his plea agreement if he refused to take responsibility for his crimes, Powell immediately plastered the docket with accusatory briefs demanding that the FBI turn over every scrap and pixel in the Russia investigation, sure that the Justice Department was hiding the smoking gun which would exonerate her client.

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2020 democratic primary

Tulsi Gabbard Just Hangin' With Mike Huckabee, Like Regular Democratic Candidates Do

Please tell us again about HOW DARE HILLARY CLINTON SAY WHAT SHE SAID ABOUT TULSI!

When we are in the middle of yelling at you and the whole rest of the internet for shitting on Democratic primary candidates for literally no reason, we often jokingly (not jokingly) add, "Except Tulsi. You are always allowed to be mean to Tulsi." Because she's not really running for the Democratic nomination, is she? She might be running for president! But ... yeah, she has made it quite clear that one of these things is not like the others, one of these things just doesn't belong.

Speaking of, Gabbard sat down with her normal pal Mike Huckabee on his TV show that everybody watches, even the liberals. "Ooh, let's order pizza and watch Mike Huckabee," that's a thing Americans of all political beliefs say to each other, especially at Christmas. "Oh no, my house doesn't have Trinity Broadcasting Network, maybe we should do our lesbian boning date at YOUR yurt," said the liberal lesbian to her liberal lesbian girlfriend -- who lives in a yurt, obviously -- because even they watch the Huckabee show, on TBN. Bonus if Tulsi Gabbard is on!

Who is this for, please?

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Russia

Russian TV Can't Stop LOLing At Putin's Special 'Agent' Donald Trump

Awesome, just awesome.

There is trolling, and there is Russian state-run TV trolling Donald Trump after his most recent meeting with one of his Russian handlers (ALLEGEDLY) in the Oval Office on the very same day the House Judiciary Committee voted out articles of impeachment.

We still don't know what the hell Trump really discussed last week with Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov, but we can't imagine it's anything good. The White House swears Trump was like "LOL don't meddle in our elections WINK WINK," but Lavrov says nah, that didn't even happen. Did Trump leak some more highly classified intel to the Russians, like he did when he met with Lavrov in 2017 in the Oval Office? WHO CAN SAY!

Julia Davis reports at the Daily Beast on Russian TV's reaction to the meeting, and surprise, they are doing boner-giggling cartwheels over every aspect of it. The network Rossiya 1 reportedly just loved the visuals of the pic you see above, and did a segment called "Puppet Master and 'Agent'—How to Understand Lavrov's Meeting With Trump." Very subtle!

Davis has more:

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Ukraine

Rudy Wanted Yovanovitch Out For Reasons That Don't Sound Like A Mob Capo At All

If it's a day, Giuliani is confessing to crimes in the media.

It's noon on a Monday, and Mitch McConnell is already having a week. Trump's babysitters had finally gotten Li'l Crankypants to agree to a 17-minute impeachment sham in the Senate, promising that Lindsey Graham would stage show hearings on the Biden bullshit after Uncle Mitch magicked away any real danger for the president. But then Rudy Giuliani stuck his stupid pinky ring in and screwed it all up. Yes, Rudy's back from Ukraine where he's been filming a "documentary" on Joe Biden's multiple attempts to poison Ukrainian prosecutor Viktor Shokin. And that's not even a joke!

So now Trump has promised that his free lawyer Rudy will be presenting his findings to the Department of Justice, State Department, and Congress as SCIENCE PROOF that Donald Trump was duty-bound to investigate Joe Biden and thus impeachment is UNLEGAL.

The Grandpa Crazy Express train is barreling down the tracks toward the White House and the State Department. No wonder Mike Pompeo is conspicuously fingering the rip cord of his State Department parachute.

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Ukraine

Wanna Hear Rudy's NEW New Ukraine Conspiracy Theory? Wait, Where Are You Going?

COME BACK.

Liz literally just finished writing about how there was an actual crazy person spotted waddling across the White House grounds so he could go blubber about the new fake "dirt" he got on his latest #crimetime trip to Ukraine. "What did you get," asked Donald Trump of his certifiably batshit snuggle buddy Rudy Giuliani. "More than you can imagine," answered Rudy Giuliani from the tarmac, and we imagine Trump was very happy, because if there's one thing he loves, it's easily debunked lies smuggled up Rudy's ass in Ukraine by Kremlin-trained operatives, for the purposes of helping him steal the 2020 election.

This happened the same day the House Judiciary Committee passed articles of impeachment against Trump for ... soliciting illegal assistance from Ukraine in helping him steal the 2020 election.

Roodles The Rambunctious Clown has had a big week. Not only did he uncover a massive and entirely made up conspiracy theory about how Adam Schiff invested in a mutual fund one time, but Talking Points Memo reports that he uncovered another massive and entirely made up conspiracy theory in Ukraine!

This time it's ... um ... well ... OK ... how to put this ...

Former Ambassador Marie Yovanovitch and Joe Biden hid $5.3 billion in American aid intended for Ukraine in their underpants and then they buried it in the backyard probably (WITH THE DNC SERVER, WE BET) and then they dug it back up so they could give it to George Soros, OK, maybe not directly to George Soros, they just gave it to NGOs that George Soros is sugar-daddy of and ...

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Ukraine

White House: Ukraine Shakedown Was Just 'Policy Process,' Totally Normal, Everything You Learned In HS Civics Class

Lyin' sumbitches!

In its continuing effort to prove that Donald Trump didn't shake down the president of Ukraine by withholding congressionally appropriated defense funds to extort him to smear Joe Biden, the Office of Management and Budget has produced yet another post hoc memo 'splaining that the hold on the money was totally normal and appropriate. Nothing to see here, move along folks! At least three media outlets -- the Washington Post, Roll Call, and the Washington Examiner -- have copies of the memo. And yet not a single one of them has been allowed publish the memo in its entirety. Which is a pretty good indication that OMB isn't entirely confident in the persuasiveness of its legal reasoning.

In a word, this memo is horseshit.

The Post reports that Donald Trump only learned of the aid to Ukraine from a June 19 article in the Washington Examiner on the importance of US military assistance to Ukraine's war to repel the Russian invasion in Crimea. At which point, President Russophile lost his shit at the prospect of the US doing anything to piss off his pal Putin. A fact the GOP conveniently forgets when they brag that Trump provided Ukraine with Javelin missiles eventually.

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