Ryan Zinke To Permit Uday And Qusay Trump To Murder Bear Cubs, Too

'Oh bother...JESUS FUCK! I'M SHOT!!!'

In its ceaseless quest to eliminate every last vestige of Barack Obama's presidency, the Trump administration announced yesterday it plans to roll back rules on cruel hunting practices on federal land in the Last Frontier, because as NBC News explains, it's all about eliminating federal government overreach:

The Trump administration is moving to reverse Obama-era rules barring hunters on some public lands in Alaska from baiting brown bears with bacon and doughnuts and using spotlights to shoot mother black bears and cubs hibernating in their dens.

Bummer about that, bear cubs. Also wolf pups:

Under the proposed changes, hunters would also be allowed to hunt black bears with dogs, kill wolves and pups in their dens, and use motor boats to shoot swimming caribou.

Oh, sure, it may look like it's the re-legalization of wantonly cruel methods of "hunting," but you see, there's a perfectly smart good-governance reason for this: Alaska state law allows this shit on state lands, so the rollback of the federal prohibitions, put in place under Obama in 2015, simply keeps state and federal law in line with each other. Surely it would be unfair to suggest Alaska change its law to align with the feds? Don't you people understand that Alaska is trying to kill everyone there, so it's only fair to kill wolf pups in their dens, and also hibernating bear cubs? As great biologist and Bible-believing former spokesman for the American Patriarchy Association Bryan Fischer has long explained, baby bears may look cute on TV, but the Bible demands we exterminate the brutes:

God makes it clear in Scripture that deaths of people and livestock at the hands of savage beasts is a sign that the land is under a curse. The tragic thing here is that we are bringing this curse upon ourselves.

NBC News also notes that Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke "displays a taxidermied bear in his Washington office along with mounted heads from a bison and an elk, and that he's made increasing opportunities for hunting on federal lands a priority for Interior. God told us to subjugate nature, and that's not gonna happen if you act like some forms of hunting should involve "skill" or anything other than massive force. We'll be looking for new rules allowing fishing with dynamite any day now.

Oh, yes, and here's a surprise. The instigators of the regulatory rollback were the Usual Suspects: Safari Club International, the same cabal of big-game hunters that have been invited to rewrite Interior's rules for endangered wildlife, as well as international agreements involving hunting. Guess Eric and Don Jr. weren't content killing elephants; now they need to shine a spotlight into a mother bear's eyes and shoot her and her cubs while they sleep. Ah, the thrill and challenge of the hunt! It's so sporting!

The proposed rule was published in the Federal Register today, and the public will have 60 days (until July 23) to comment on the proposal before Zinke ignores every single comment and does what his Shoot Everything pals want.

Finally, before you get all het up about "animal cruelty," keep in mind that the same measures will also be allowed by ICE agents going after any "animals" they suspect of belonging to MS-13.

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[NBC News / Mother Jones / Federal Register]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


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