It's Friday, Wonketariat! We've got lots and lots of newses ahead, so here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

Mike Pompeo keeps looming over the CIA's Trump-Russia investigation, making agents report directly to him so he can run to the White House in the middle of the night doing his best Devin Nunes impression.

Russia loves the "alt-right" websites and Twitter bots that keep pushing its propaganda state-sanctioned talking points.

How many times has Trump potentially obstructed justice trying to kill Trump-Russia investigations? It's seven. Suck it, Nixon!

The "alt-right" talking heads and assorted basement dwellers are mad at John Kelly for tying Trump's hands with tiny ropes to limit his access to conspiracy theories and junk like Breitbart.

Ryan Zinke is recommending that several national monuments be downsized so that people can hunt and fish on federal land that was protected specifically to save woodland critters and fishy friends from jerks who just want to scrape up what's left of the country's natural beauty.

Poor Paul Ryan needs to rein in his people in order to keep the debt ceiling from collapsing, just like John Boehner, and we all remember how that worked out for ol' weepy.

Trump is trying to blame his failures on Mitch McConnell and Paul Ryan now that it's becoming increasingly evident that Mexico won't pay for the wall and people enjoy their Obamacare.

Trump's been bitching on Twitter this morning about killing the filibuster rule in the Senate, as if a 51% majority would allow him to strong-arm Republicans into doing things they don't want to do.

Chemtrail Kelli Ward might have some support from Mercer money and the Bannonites, but the jury is still out on who will be Jeff Flake's primary challenger. Let the games begin!

The White House thinks it's "ridiculous and outrageous" that Republican Sen. Bob Corker is stabbing them in the back by questioning Trump's "stability" and "competence" like some damn, dirty Democrat.

Members of Mike Pence's military detail were reassigned after they were caught bringing ladies back to their hotel PRESUMABLY for sexy times, but it's possible they were simply in a missionary position.

The Secret Service clearly isn't good enough to shit in the house as it's spent $7,100 on portable toilets and $13,500 on golf carts while Trump was at his New Jersey trash palace.

Ronald Reagan will be inducted into the Labor Department's Labor Hall of Honor for leading SAG through three labor strikes in the 1940s and 1950s that got actors health and pension benefits, NOT for that time he "You're Fired" all the air traffic controllers and banned them from government for life for protesting low pay, long hours and crappy benefits.

Democrats are daring Trump to let the government default on its debt and shut down if he doesn't get his Tortilla Curtain.

Federal workers are not happy Trump's threatening to shut down the government if he doesn't get his stupid wall, likening it to blackmail and pointless robbery as shutdowns only pick the pockets of taxpayers in the end.

Maine Republican Gov. Paul Le Page doesn't think Sen. Susan Collins can beat him in a gubernatorial primary because she "has no idea" what she's doing with his "mess."

A federal judge won't throw out Maryland's voting map because it would "cause an unprecedented disruption in Maryland’s legislative and districting process," and set precedents in other states (like Wisconsin) ahead of the 2018 election, and that has Maryland's Republican minority moaning about gerrymandering. Oh that's rich!

FOR THE NINTH TIME a Texas court has ruled that statehouse maps are intentionally discriminatory, and it's ordered four huge counties to redraw their district maps into something less racist and gerrymandered.

Illinois Republican Gov. Bruce Rauner has "You're Fired" his brand new comms staff for severely fucking up its response to a cartoon depicting rich white people screwing poor black kids out of desperately needed school funding in Chicago.

A Chinese national has been arrested for that massive OPM hack in 2015 that compromised 21 million current and former government employees and their families. [Video]

That one Ohio county without insurance just found an insurer, which blows big, fat holes all over Paul Ryan's ACA talking points.

Aetna exposed HIV status of 12,000 people in 8 states and DC after it used the wrong envelopes, but they're super sorry.

Gary Cohn won't leave the White House, telling a fancy pants business news rag, "As a Jewish American, I will not allow neo-Nazis ranting ‘Jews will not replace us’ to cause this Jew to leave his job. I feel deep empathy for all who have been targeted by these hate groups. We must all unite together against them.” [Archive]

Sad, crying neo-Nazi clown Chris Cantwell is being held without bond by Virginia police for malicious bodily injury by means of a caustic substance, and two felony counts of illegal use of tear gas in connection with violence in Charlottesville. I wonder which prison gang he'll join?

Roger Stone thinks there will be a civil war if Trump is impeached because "rat fuck" assholes like Roger Stone keep screaming about another civil war if Trump is impeached.

Herman Cain just had to remind us that he's a crazy person in a mind numbing rant (that completely misses the point) over a historically black Detroit paper calling Dr. Ben Carson a "House Negro," for empowering and excusing Trump's bigotry.

And here's your late night wrap-up! Weekend Update had a cold open with Alec Baldwin's Donald TrumpConan O'Brien talked about VEEP insults with the freakishly tall Timothy Simons; and The Daily Show noticed the different types of Trump.

And here's your morning Nice Time! ADORABLE MONGOOSE BABIES! They're so cute you'll puke rainbows!

It's for readers like you that we skip showers and shaves to furiously write your favorite 'splainers and newses, so why not give us all your money?

Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or in a gutter taking photos.


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