Sad Old Man Humps American Flag, Does Other Embarrassing Things


As I type this, Donald Trump is still delivering his address to the crowd at CPAC. He started it two hours ago. He claims he is doing this without a script, which would be really impressive if he wasn't just up there rambling like a guy who doesn't realize you're trying to extract yourself from the conversation at a bar at 3am.

It is, of course, pretty hard to do anything to embarrass oneself at CPAC. There's so much competition! I mean, hell, they had a guy who made a pillow up there, as an authority of some kind, talking about how God made Trump president. Then there was that one Fox News lady going all D.A.R.E program about how all the kids today are having "Skittles Parties" in which they just dump a bunch of pharmaceuticals from their parents' medicine cabinets into a bowl and take a random pill -- a ridiculous urban legend that has been debunked repeated times, for decades.

Personally, I was surprised that she didn't talk about kids putting tabs of acid in a random bottle of soda and playing "button, button who's got the button!" Or smoking banana peels. Or having rainbow parties. Or wearing jelly bracelets.

Then there was Laura "Nobody Loves Me But My Mother, And She Could Be Jivin' Too" Loomer actually managing to get herself kicked out of CPAC because she spent the whole time trying to "LOOMER" journalists who were there to cover the events. Can't take her anywhere!

Here she is going full "DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" on security.


And yet... with all of this absurdity, Trump is still managing to make a stand-out impression.

As he shuffled onto the stage, he took a moment to aggressively hug the American flag. He didn't ask, he just just went for it.

The speech, so far, has mostly just been a montage of his Greatest Hits. At some point, he started talking about how unfair the media was to him regarding coverage of crowd size for his inauguration speech. From two years ago, in 2016.

"I watched one of the evening shows that are ridiculous how horrible they are, how mean, how horrible. I watched it by mistake, and they showed… from the White House all the way down, they showed there were people––nobody's ever seen it. The capital down to the Washington Monument, but I saw pictures that there were no people. Those pictures were taken hours before, right? They always mention crowd sizes. 'He talks about crowd sizes.' So I'm constantly bugging Mercedes whenever we had a slow moment. I say, Mercedes and Sarah, show them the pictures. Show them and compare them with what they put on television. Those pictures were taken hours before. And remember this also, not that Obama would do this, but we had fencing all the way down to the Washington Monument, and it was raining. And it was wet and the grass was wet. And women and men… they had to walk all the way down, they had to walk with high heels in many cases. They had to walk all the way down to the Washington Monument and then back!"

Shockingly, he didn't start talking about how he was cool back in the Studio 54 days, but moved on to give the audience a chance to do a good old fashioned "lock her up!" chant.

And he mocked Jeff Sessions' accent, which clearly delighted the probably large portion of the audience with a similar accent.

Oh, self awareness!

At some point he claimed that Democrats are promoting "trains to Hawaii" because we want to get rid of all the planes.

And now we're back to, uh, 2015 at this point. People were mean to him about the the speech where he called Mexican immigrants "rapists and criminals," and that was very unfair because he still believes that.

That is not how birth control works. IT IS NOT EVEN CLOSE TO HOW BIRTH CONTROL WORKS. Why do Republicans always think this? I mean, how does anyone go their entire adult lives without having any idea about this? How is that even possible? He's been married three times, he has two daughters, and he's never seen anyone take a birth control pill?

But what else do you expect from the kind of fella who says shit like this?

Right up until the very moment of death, indeed! Not that this statement is any more accurate than what he was trying to say.

The speech finally ended about halfway through me writing this up -- after about two and a half hours. Like, people sat there for two and a half hours listening to a sad old man rambling about how the media is mean to him and forgetting what year it is. On purpose. Here is the whole thing, should you have need of a non-violent means of extracting information from a hostage.

President Trump speaks at CPAC 2019

[Aaron Rupar Twitter]

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Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Previously, she was a Senior Staff Writer at Death & Taxes, and Assistant Editor at The Frisky (RIP). Currently, she writes for Wonkette, Friendly Atheist, Quartz and other sites. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse

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