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Thursday afternoon, the most amazing, embarrassing, terrible and sad thing happened at the White House. Donald Trump convened a posse of his grossest friends and his weirdest looking family (Don Jr.) so that he could stand on a stage and bitch about his Twitter follower count going up and down. And the White House livestreamed this behavior. That's right, it was the big White House Social Media Summit, and we watched it for you!

By CNN reporter Daniel Dale's count, Trump told six out-and-out lies, which actually seems low to us. Then again, Dale admits he's not counting the part where Trump claimed that he's actually very good at spelling words, but his fingers simply aren't always as good as his brain. We can see how Dale felt pulled between the fundamental honesty of Trump saying his fingers are bad vs. him pretending he can spell.

But we are getting ahead of ourselves, here is video of the entire event, so you can watch it every day with your children and tell them "this is your brain on too many Big Macs" or whatever cautionary tale you'd like to use:

President Trump Delivers Remarks at the Presidential Social Media Summit www.youtube.com

Here are some things we learned from Donald Trump, the president of America, during his speech:


Firstly, the most important thing, and the reason we are gathered here today: Donald Trump's Twitter follower count is going down, and he doesn't go viral as much as he used to. This is because of #discrimination and #censorship obviously. He yearns for the days when his follower count would go up faster, saying that "it'd be like a rocket ship when I put out a beauty," by which he meant a really cool tweet about Obama putting "wire tapps" in his bottom.

But these days it's NO FUN and JUST PLAIN BONKERS that he doesn't get as many followers as he used to, considering how he's "much hotter" than he used to be. He whined that his follower count is like "up, down, up, down." He bemoaned how "folks" are being "taken off" of Twitter -- you know, bots -- and longed for a day when those people -- you know, bots -- would come back to love him once again.

Trump said one of the things Twitter and Facebook and Pinterest and Sea Captain Date do is called "basic blocking," noting that there is "no doubt in [his] mind" that he should have "millions and millions" more followers than he has right now. And he knows this because "people come up to [him] and say SIR, SIR!" and cry that they cannot follow him, because they are too stupid to work Twitter have been banished from doing so by decree of Silicon Valley. This is definitely not a problem Trump's followers could fix by pressing a button. Also, it is definitely true that everybody comes up to Trump and says "SIR, SIR!" and whines about their inability to master Twitter.

"I have millions of people, so many people I wouldn't believe it, but I know that we've been blocked. People come up to me and they say, 'Sir, I can't get you. I can't follow you.'"

Right.

Now to be clear -- because we know you were worried -- Trump emphasized throughout the event that he is not against free speech. In fact he's so pro-free speech he wants EVERYBODY to have it, even the liberals. He just wants the internet to stop literally silencing the smart people on his side, like Stupidest Man On The Internet Jim Hoft and Stupidest Nazi On The Internet Sebastian Gorka, both of whom were also in attendance. He's "not gonna allow it to happen like this! Not gonna be silenced!"

Of course, Trump does admit that SOME of the people in attendance, he maybe understands why they are being censored from the internet, but he doesn't agree with it, because FREE SPEECH:

Oh yeah, and despite his professed love for free speech, Trump said the "mainstream media is not free speech," because they write mean things about him that hurt his feelings, and it is a sin to hurt Dear Leader's chickenshit feelings.

No, seriously. You need to watch this part.

TRUMP: I don't think the mainstream media is free speech either, because it's so crooked, so dishonest. So to me free speech is not when you see something good and then you purposely write bad, to me that's very dangerous speech.

Eat shit, you un-American shithole motherfucker.

ANYWAY!

Donald Trump is mad the fake news did not cover "kidney." Because he did a big event on "kidney" and the fake news didn't cover it at all. (Yes they did. The fake news totally talked about how he said the kidney is a very important part of the heart, and if you don't believe the kidney is part of the heart, you are probably one of those brainless so-called scientists who thinks the Moon is not part of Mars. Fuck you for that.)

Donald Trump has a black friend. Donald Trump has another black friend. Donald Trump hugs them at the same time, because that's how much Donald Trump loves his black friends, he double hugs them with love.

Unfortunately, as we all know, Donald Trump's black friends are 100 percent #censored from the internet, which is why they were there for the group therapy session.

When Wonkette first reported on this event, it did not seem like Acting Secretary of Defense Diamond & Silk (may not be their current title) would be in attendance. Luckily, their invitation seems to have come through at the last minute, and EVEN MORE LUCKILY THANK GOD, they were not busy with important national security issues and were able to come right on over.

Trump noted that nobody is reporting (fake news!) that black employment is lower than ever. At this point, Trump literally pointed at Diamond & Silk, we guess because when Trump talks about black people he likes to point at black people, just so everybody is on the same page with who he is talking about. Anyway, he was using Diamond & Silk as an example of black people who have low unemployment, because they sure seem to be grifting well under his administration!

Trump said he is mad that you can't ask people if they are citizens during the Census, but you are absolutely free to ask people how many potties they have in their house. (Wrong.)

Trump is mad about WALL too. Everybody else used to want WALL, even Crooked Hillary wanted WALL, and everybody Trump follows on Twitter (WHO HASN'T PERISHED IN THE TWITTER HOLOCAUST) wants WALL, where is his very lovely WALL?

:*(

Trump said he did not want to talk about the Green New Deal, because he says he blew his wad on talking about Elizabeth The Pocahontas too early, and now we guess he doesn't have anything else to say about her, because he's not a very creative person.

No collusion no collusion no collusion no collusion no collusion THE REAL COLLUSION is the internet colluding with the Democrats and the media, that's the REAL COLLUSION! #nocollusion

Did we mention that Trump spent literal minutes out of our lives talking about how awesome "The Apprentice" was, and how he was happy that Arnold Schwarzenegger "died at it," by not being as great as Trump was? That happened.

Trump said something nice about Don Jr., his spawn whose face upsets all Jesus's little children, at least those who have eyes, allegedly. It may have been the first time he ever said something nice about Don Jr., because if you look closely in this picture, you will see that Junior is just absolutely BEAMING like a person whose daddy loves him, when that is probably not true.

Junior also took time to use his body language to demonstrate that he has a totally good penis, which was completely present and accounted for at the time, in his pants:

There were guest speakers! Did we mention there were guest speakers? There were!

There was Senator Josh Hawley of Missouri, because he is a very serious person who is being just a wonderful steward of Claire McCaskill's Senate seat:

And there was crazy batshit anti-abortion activist Lila Rose, who is upset because her crazy batshit Live Action anti-abortion group, which is known mostly for dishonesty (AKA lying), has been banned from advertising on certain platforms, due to all the lying, HOW IS THAT FAIR?

Trump even gave a shout-out to dildo lube boat enthusiast James O'Keefe at one point, noting that that guy, who is 100 percent known for releasing highly edited and misleading videos, is "truthful." Because James O'Keefe was there! In the White House!

As the Washington Post reports, the final tally of who's who of people you'd never leave your children alone with also included Charlie Kirk, Ali (Akbar) Alexander (the convicted felon jackhole doing the birther shit against Kamala Harris) and known QAnon-loving fuckwit Bill Mitchell. Because these are the people your president hangs out with.

After the event was over, Trump went out to the Rose Garden and completely caved on the Census. And after THAT Trump Nazi Sebastian Gorka almost got into a FISTICUFFS with reporter Brian Karem. That's right, at the White House. Everything in this post happened at the White House.

Golly, ZEE TRUMP NAZI ISS SO MAD! Why, he oughta take that reporter for a ride in his 4-cylinder Mustang and drive him to a street where the curbs are really low so he can "I think I can!" his car up onto the sidewalk just to be an asshole, and then really teach that reporter a lesson by blocking him on Twitter.

Or something.

#ARTOFWAR

The end.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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