St. Louis TV Network Launches Hilarious Reefer Madness Remake
Parents! Does your kid have tie dye tapestry hanging behind her "bed" thanks some hastily slapped up blue tape? Does she display both a tube of men's deodorant and a copy of Catch-22 on the bookshelf? Does she have a "Mile 420" sign randomly propped up against a piece of wallboard?
If so, then, friends, it's time to PANIC, because momma's little baby is a dang junkie. With a capital J, that rhymes with P, and that stands for FENTANYL. Sorry to burst your bubble, Mom and Dad, but it turns out "420" is cool kid lingo for opiates.
BE VERY AFRAID!
Or laugh your ass off at this living embodiment of that joke about parents misinterpreting LOL and ROFLMAO as internet slang for "I'll trade you a BJ for an eightball" or some such.
The “Mile 420” sign indicates that whoever lives here doesn’t actually smoke pot, just like the “Kink Palace” sign… https://t.co/uQEuTGJ4Zf— Stephen Robinson (@Stephen Robinson) 1624554703.0
"Looks like a normal teen's bedroom, right? Think again," tweeted Paige Hulsey, an anchor at St. Louis's local CBS affiliate. "Coming up on @KMOV, we'll show you what parents should be looking for so they can identify signs of drug use. I was shocked at what I found in this room!!!"
Well, who wouldn't be shocked to find a fake dorm room slapped together in a random office! What kind of drug-addled fiend would park a teenager in a conference room? You know they're just going to use that foam tile ceiling as a dart board. But please, carry on, fellow kids.
We gather this report involves some kind of expose on all the places kids can hide drugs, although the station failed to post a clip of the piece, depriving the internet of the afternoon belly laugh we all need.
"This problem got even worse during the pandemic. Coming up on @KMOV, we'll tell you why and explain why 'fake' pills are a HUGE concern. Parents need to see this. It shocked me," Hulsey tweeted, along with a screenshot of her "tour" of the "bedroom" and all the "drugs" she found cleverly "hidden" in apparently normal receptacles.
Hint: That tube of dude deodorant on the bookshelf is a PLANT. So if your daughter is keeping Axe around, it probably means she's selling her panties online for smack.
Also, something something fentanyl pills hidden in tampons?
I thought #MAGA, gun laws, abortion, #covid vaccines, and climate change were some of the most controversial things… https://t.co/7LRmmfKT39— Paige Hulsey (@Paige Hulsey) 1624545277.0
And why are the pills "counterfeit"? Are they supposed to be heroin, but laced with fentanyl? Wouldn't that make them ... real, and also more dangerous?
With the greatest sensitivity to those suffering from drug addiction and the people who love them, Your Wonkette must ask you to stop this foolishness immediately. If you think you can outsmart your teenager when it comes to hiding things, you're the one who's high. Ditto for policing their online behavior — you will never be better at "cyber" than your child. It's just not going to happen. So maybe you should eat a gummy bear and turn this modern day Reefer Madness shit off.
Quit cutting up your kid's tampons and calm the hell down. In fact, quit rifling through your kid's stuff entirely unless you have a pretty good reason to think you're going to find something dangerous. It's gross and invasive and conveys to your child that you think she's not entitled to have any boundaries. Your teenager doesn't have random soda cans on the floor because he's hiding drugs. He's a slob, which is good and normal and healthy and you need to stop treating him like a criminal.
Turn off the TV and turn on the oven. It doesn't matter if the cookies are Pillsbury Poppin' Fresh. Sit down with your child, eat a cookie, and actually listen to what he has to say. Tell her you love her. Make time for them.
And FFS, don't take parenting advice from some woman in a staged conference room trying to goose her ratings by scaring the shit out of you. Local news is crap, but the kids really are alright.
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Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.