Salon Publishes A Million More Words On Why Trump's Balls Are Much More Delicious Than Hillary's

Salon's boyfriend.

Oh great, the liberals over at Salon have seen fit to tell us again why Hillary sux! Whereas last time it was Walker Bragman (the pathetic mini-me version of HA Goodman) giving us a million reasons why Hillary maketh him want to burn it all down by going full dick-in-throat for Donald Trump, now it is ... well, honest to God, we don't even know what the fuck this is, or how it got by an "editor."

[wonkbar]<a href=""></a>[/wonkbar]Our latest author is named Anis Shivani, and he is a poet. And we guess there is a certain "poetry" to passages like these.

The neofascist reaction, the force behind Trump, has come about because of the extreme disembeddedness of the economy from social relations. The neoliberal economy has become pure abstraction; as has the market, as has the state, there is no reality to any of these things the way we have classically understood them. Americans, like people everywhere rising up against neoliberal globalization (in Britain, for example, this takes the form of Brexit, or exit from the European Union), want a return of social relations, or embeddedness, to the economy.

Did we say poetry? We meant stultifying what the fuck, and now we died of boredom and you are reading our ghost. But does Shivani have more poetry about why Trump The Rich Businessman will win, where Romney The Rich Businessman couldn't? Sure, why not:

While Trump “builds” things (literal buildings), in places like Manhattan and Atlantic City, places one can recognize and identify with, and while Trump’s entire life has been orchestrated around building luxury and ostentatiousness, again things one can tangibly grasp and hold on to (the Trump steaks!), Romney is the personification of a placeless corporation, making his quarter billion dollars from consulting, i.e., representing economic abstraction at its purest, serving as a high priest of the transnational capitalist class.

Yes, we as Americans are able to grasp tightly onto Donald Trump's packaged meat, whereas Mitt Romney wouldn't ever let us do that. GO ON:

No one can visualize the boardroom Romney sat in, as head of Bain Capital, but, via The Apprentice, everyone has seen, for more than a decade, what Trump’s boardroom looks like, and what it takes to be a “winner” in the real economy.

Everyone has seen ... reality TV ... dot dot dot ...

OK, we are finally getting to the part about how Hillary sux:

In the present election, Hillary Clinton represents precisely the same disembodiedness as Romney, for example because of her association with the Clinton Foundation. Where did the business of the state, while she was secretary of state, stop, and where did the business of global philanthropy (just another name for global business), begin, and who can possibly tell the difference? The maneuverings of the Clinton Foundation, in the popular imagination, are as arcane as the colossal daily transactions on the world’s financial exchanges.

Everything about Clinton—and this becomes all the more marked when she takes on the (false) mantle of speaking for the underclass, with whom she bears no mental or physical resemblance—reeks of the easy mobility of the global rentier class. Their efficacy cannot be accounted for, not through the kind of democratic process that is unfolding before our eyes as a remnant of the American founding imagination, her whole sphere of movement is pure abstraction.

In this election, abstraction will clearly lose, and corporeality, even if—or particularly if—gross and vulgar and rising from the repressed, will undoubtedly win.

Hillary Clinton's husband has a big charity and boy howdy, it's too fuckin' hard to Google what that thing even does. Donald Trump The Bazillionaire makes steak and hotels and we can just squeeze his corporeal body in our hands, MMMMMM it's so squishy and erotic ...

A business tycoon who vigorously inserted himself in the imaginations of the dispossessed as the foremost exponent of birtherism surely cannot be entirely beholden to the polite elites, can he? Trump is capital, but he is not capital, he is of us but also not of us in the way that the working class desires elevation from their rootedness, still strongly identified with place and time, not outside it. After all, he posed the elemental question, Where were you born?

Wait, now we are saying that Donald Trump possesses the aw-shucks folksiness that comes with being one of the original birthers, a man who poses "elemental" questions, whereas Hillary ... seriously, Salon, WTF is this? Is "Anis Shivani" the name HA Goodman writes under when he's dropping acid?

The population across the board does not see the abstractions of the transnational capitalist class being able to solve a problem like ISIS, which represents a crisis of authority. Wasn’t al-Qaeda defeated? Didn’t we get Osama bin Laden’s head? Then what is this lingering distaste called ISIS?

ISIS and al-Qaeda aren't the ... oh fuck it.

Forms of darkness are easily substitutable, thus Hillary (whose synecdoche is Benghazi, or secret emails) becomes unable to speak the truth, the more she tries.

Maybe not HA Goodman dropping acid, but Walker Bragman huffing paint. (Just fooling, Walker Bragman's pen name when he's huffing paint is "Walker Bragman.")

Here's where, approximately 80,000 words into the piece, we learn what all this malarkey talk is about:

When Trump’s masses see Clinton tacking to the middle—as she undoubtedly will, rather than go for the surefire path to victory by heading left, by picking Bernie Sanders for example—the more they will detest it, which will push her only further in their direction, not in the direction that can bring victory.

OK! Got it! If Hillary goes toward the center in the general election, she will lose, but if she goes to the left and picks Bernie, she will obviously win, and all the shit this Anis character just said about Trump steaks and birtherism is null and void.

Let us note too the power of the transgender rights movement (after the relative normalization of the presence of AIDS, and also of same-sex marriage) to prompt ferocious emotions amongst the excluded; this movement has become a substitute for the power of death—sexual death—to terrify us. They would rather be terrified by something they can do something about, knowing that the market wants to assimilate this form of gender-bending, identity-shifting, unlocalizable personality triumph. Again, Trump is virtual but not virtual, he is of TV but not of TV, functioning more as an ambassador from TV than an actor or role-player in that world—which makes him uniquely equipped, in the eyes of his supporters, for taking on the kinds of death-dealers that they think mess up the market against their parochial interests.

[wonkbar]<a href=""></a>[/wonkbar]Transgender people fighting for their rights is a deep metaphor for how we're terrified of sexual death and OH GOD, HI, CAMILLE PAGLIA! IT WAS YOU ALL ALONG! How are you? No, we mean really, how ARE you?

Fuck this shit and fuck Salon. If we wanted to read such intellectual prowess, at least the Daily Caller has booby pictures.


Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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