Santorum: Trump Will Concede If Certain 'Conditions' Are Met, Probably Involving A Getaway Plane

2020 presidential election

Dog Day Afternoon screencap

You know all the talk that's been going around about how, you know, "Wow, we don't want to let any of these Trumpists rehab their image! No pundit jobs, no lobbying positions, nothing!?"

I do not buy it for a single second. I don't. Why? Partially because I trust nothing and no one. But mostly because of Rick Santorum’s punditry gig on CNN, where he is treated like he is a reasonable, sane person whose insight we could all benefit from. Rick Santorum! The guy who said so many horrifically bad things about gay people — including saying that he did not think they should legally be able to have sex, because of how two people of the same gender having sex is like bestiality — that an entire campaign was waged to change the meaning of his last name to "the frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex." Rick Santorum!

Having Rick Santorum be a pundit on what is supposed to be a relatively normal cable network is like inviting Ghislaine Maxwell on your daytime talk show to dish on travel tips. Or Gary Ridgway doing a guest appearance on like ... some Discovery Channel (I assume?) show where they give cars makeovers, I guess? Buying Lester Maddox's chicken cookbook? Inviting Mark David Chapman and John Hinckley on your JD Salinger literary criticism panel?

But I digress!


Last night, during CNNs election coverage, Santorum explained to the rest of the panel that Trump was a very reasonable person who would be willing to concede if certain conditions are met. How very gracious of him!

He said:

I just wanna say, what we're hearing from the Trump White House is that the president is willing to concede if certain conditions are met. [Gibberish] And the answer [more gibberish], what conditions, that he's comfortable he has run the race, through the tape. Which is that, you know, that this race was conducted fairly, and that, we've, they've pursued all of the allegations, and all you need to do is pick up your phone and you'll see allegations and allegations and allegations. His legal team is telling him they have a case. And so, uh, the president's gonna follow through with that. But I think the idea that somehow, you know, as was suggested the other day, that we're gonna have to transport the president out of there, that's just ridiculous. But time is gonna be necessary for the campaign and the lawyers to run the traps.

Is it though? Is it ridiculous? Because if I were a betting woman — which I am not because when I was 19 I lost 12 Canadian dollars on a slot machine and I hold grudges — I would bet that Donald Trump could come up with "allegations and allegations and allegations" for the next 20,30 years.

What other conditions need to be met? Does he need pizza for the hostages? Naked pictures of Bea Arthur? A bowl of M&Ms with the brown ones taken out? A plane to Brazil for him and Dr. Scott Atlas, whereupon they will work on making a bunch of Trump clones and also escape prosecution for all his tax fuckery? For the President of Ukraine to recommend that everyone watch a Joaquin Phoenix movie he likes?? Because he could probably also list conditions forever.

But here's the thing! No one actually needs Trump to concede. It's a formality. It's not like if he refused he could just continue being president for life. That is not how it works. Quite frankly, I kind of hope he doesn't concede and that he is, in fact, dragged out kicking and screaming, as that would just be enormously entertaining.

Anyway! This is now your open thread! And it's the only one you're getting today, so enjoy it. And yes, that Joaquin Phoenix movie thing is a reference to a real hostage situation that happened earlier this year, in case you were wondering.

Do your Amazon shopping through this link, because reasons.

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. In addition to her work at Wonkette, she also has a biweekly column at Dame. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse

Donate

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Newsletter

©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc