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Oh, hello. My name is Sara Benincasa, and I have long been a contributor to yr Wonkette. Anyway, I am here on yr Wonkette to review my own lertest berk or “latest book,” a rollicking novel titled “DC Trip.” This hilarious, raucous and wild tale of a couple of lovelorn public school teachers named Alicia and Bryan as well as three glorious high school sophomores named Rachel, Gertie, and Sivan. They all go on a wacky trip to D.C. and shenanigans ensue! It’s got sex, drugs, intersectional feminism and very funny vomit, and it is a novel for adults and not teens unless the teens are 17 or just extra mature or whatever in which case it is for them as well. I am currently adapting it to a screenplay with the producers who brought you such cinematic gems as “Nebraska,” “Election,” “Little Miss Sunshine,” and “Cold Mountain,” because I am actually Nicole Kidman, surprise! Actually I’m joking, I am not she, but she is very beautiful and it would be cool to be as good at acting as she is. I am also extremely beautiful but my talent is in writing, as is evidenced by this book review and by the fact that I wrote a book, “DC Trip,” that is so good it will blow your fucking brains out your butt and back again and you won’t even notice because that’s how enthralling this book is.

So I am writing a movie, which is different than a book, because you have to show so much more and tell so much less, and also it is moving pictures and not words on a page, I’m sorry, do you not know how movies work? God, you’re stupid. I feel bad for you. Please make your life better and buy my book, “DC Trip,” before you finish reading this review.

The most important thing you should know about this book review of my own book is that I am writing this book review of my own book at 2:30 a.m. Miami time at the Miami Book Fair International, which is a lovely event that has apparently been happening since 1984. The festival itself is awesome, though Miami nightlife seems like what would happen if cocaine fucked a tanning booth and had a baby raised by a silicone nanny in a 24-hour McDonald’s. Anyway, I met some famous people, including a man who allegedly owns a scrap of fabric stained with Abraham Lincoln’s blood, which I learned from a mutual friend and not from him, which I thought was weird because if you had a bloody Lincoln fabric swatch wouldn’t you lead with that in every single conversation? He was very smart and talented at writing, as were many of the individuals I met.

I saw David Straithairn in the Authors Lounge and I did not attempt to speak to him, which is quite a feat for me as I believe he is a perfect actor. Paul Giamatti was there too, and I told my friends to look at him and then I yelled at my mother for looking at him for four seconds straight. He and David Straithairn were there to perform Greek tragedy from the perspective of the soldiers, I think, and maybe it was a meditation on war and peace and spanakopita but I can’t be positive. I am sure it was excellent. I was very tired then and resolved that I would get myself to bed at a decent hour, but it is not a decent hour and I failed in my duty to myself as a woman who needs sleep.

By the way, my aforementioned novel, “DC Trip,” is great. It’s really fun and funny and silly and serious and loving and it’s got a glorious beating heart. I was going to make fun of it and say that it is terrible, because it would be hilarious to do that, but actually this would be a lie, because it’s so much of a delight to read. You can enjoy it for the broad comedy or for the smart comedy or for the feminist propaganda and queer-ass love subtly hidden throughout. There is plenty of straight stuff in it too, for my target market, your homophobic aunt who quietly lusts after her Weight Watchers meeting leader.

Here is an important anecdote about my time promoting “DC Trip” here in Miami: the other day at an event called Literary Death Match, the noted author Richard Price, who wrote for “The Wire” and is famous and important, told me in front of a drunk crowd of 70 humans, “You’re like Amy Schumer on meth.” And this was one of the nicest and best compliments I’ve gotten during my ten years in this business we call show, and I loved it and I’m tattooing it on my inner thigh. Then Eric Bogosian (these are the people with whom I consort now, my life is very critically acclaimed yet surprisingly accessible to a non-traditional theatre crowd) said that I reminded him of Eve Ensler. He also referred to my poise and unflappable demeanor when a couple of audience members got a bit rowdy. Basically what I’m saying is give me all the Obies, the Drama Desk, a Pulitzer, the Man Booker, and like seventy-five fucking Oscars, I have won it all, I am pretty much Anna Deavere Smith combined with Posh Spice and Jen Lawrence.

At this event I also met a dog named Zoloft.

I’ve been on a book tour to various places and Miami is the second-to-last stop on said tour. My final stop is Asheville, North Carolina, a place full of lesbians who enjoy canning their own asparagus whilst listening to Loreena McKennitt. I love Asheville very much and it is very dear to my heart. That has nothing to do with my book, although I will be signing stock at Malaprops Bookstore and Café, the best bookstore in the world. You can order from them on the interwebs and order a signed copy of “DC Trip,” the book I am currently reviewing.

I mean, what else do you want from me? Have I not bled for you on the page? Did I not reblog MoDo for you fucks for months? Me and my fellow public intellectual giants are the only thing standing between you and the afterbirth of civilization, and without us you’d be circling round a tree with some hippies, burying the placenta of a once-great nation while chanting along with a Cat Stevens album. God, you’re fucking lucky my book is available now wherever finer books are sold but particularly on yr Wonkette’s own Amazon page or whatever it’s called.

To sum all this up: I am great at writing and you will really enjoy “DC Trip,” which will be of particular fun to anybody who ever went on a school trip to DC or anywhere else ever, so buy it before it becomes a moviefilm and has some tie-in cover with devastatingly attractive yet relatable actors. Feel free to tweet at me @sarajbenincasa and update me on how much you love the book and how great it is and I am. Also please take a photograph of a cute domesticated animal or baby with the book. I really love that a lot.

Hey also one time last year your Editrix was like, “Hey Sara, that guy Shy, from the website? He’s gonna do tech stuff for us” and I was like, “Sounds cool, man, yeah, great community spirit” and then she met him and they did sex to each other on the first date and then made a baby who is now alive. I just think that’s really funny and great, how that happened, so I like to tell people that and then add, “BUT THEY GOT MARRIED SO GOD ISN’T MAD.”

All right, buy the book, it’s great, fuck it’s 3:20 a.m., I love you guys like I love the children I’ve briefly considered bearing. Ultimately I love freedom the most, though, so I’m just an unwed barren harpy who writes the greatest books of all time, please buy them, good day.

I SAID GOOD DAY!

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