Sarah Huckabee Sanders Confirms God Colluded With Russia To Elect Trump
Donald Trump has long enjoyed overwhelming support from evangelical Christians, but that support has slipped a little over the past few weeks. A recent NBC News poll shows Trump's approval among evangelicals has dropped from 73 percent in December to a still ridiculous 66 percent in January. Maybe religious conservatives are slowly discovering that Trump is a lying sack of garbage. This is a concerning trend for Trump's re-election prospects.
White House press hack Sarah Huckabee Sanders set out this week to rally the flock behind the wolf in shepherd's clothing. During an interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network, Sanders pointed out that God Himself was a major donor to Trump's 2016 campaign and still stands by the president.
SANDERS: I think God calls all of us to fill different roles at different times and I think that he wanted Donald Trump to become president, and that's why he's there.
God selecting a thrice-married, adulterous failed casino owner to carry out His works on earth is a weird choice, but God is also reportedly responsible for the platypus and the work of Jackson Pollock. Who can figure Him? This also poses the philosophical conundrum of whether God could create an election He Himself could not fix without Russia's help.
Sanders is a graceless liar, so it's not a shock that this minister's daughter would make a statement that's simultaneously blasphemous and absurd. She also apparently achieved what even Nietzsche could not prove conclusively: God is certainly dead if He let her say this without bursting into flames.
Repeated viewings of Jesus Christ Superstar has taught us a lot about God, and there is supposedly an explanation for why He lets bad things happen, such as pediatric cancer, floods, and 10-minute Led Zeppelin songs. See, God actively tests us and our faith. Trump is certainly a trial, but that's probably not what Sanders meant. She most likely wants you believe God is personally producing MAGA hats for sale on His website.
Erick Erickson, another Christian conservative hypocrite, took a break from claiming that Democrats support infanticide to tweet out some misleading scripture in defense of Sanders's statement.
If that's true, then God would logically have also removed Paul Ryan and established (again) Nancy Pelosi as House Speaker. We should send Erickson some of our Pelosi "ride or die" tees for him to wear to church on Sunday. It's what God wants.
Erickson is also bearing false witness when he claims Christians of his particular stripe "prayed" for Barack Obama. Maybe they prayed "about" Obama but it's unlikely they ever prayed "for" him. Erickson himself claimed in 2015 that Obama was an "enemy of Christianity." Why would God establish a president who's an enemy to His faith? Is He playing a complex cosmic card game against Himself?
Those of us with a short-term memory recall conservatives spending Obama's entire presidency questioning his faith and seriously debating whether he was the Antichrist. They are far more willing to believe Trump is a Christian than the black guy who actually attended church once in a while. Trump kicked transgender soldiers out of the military, after all. That's what counts most.
MSNBC's Craig Melvin interviewed religious bigot Franklin Graham Wednesday and pressed him on the fact that Trump lies all the time. How does Graham, an advocate for the president, reconcile that as a supposed man of God?
GRAHAM: I don't know how you reconcile that, because you have a fact checker for the president and not a fact checker for the media.... I don't sit around and try to find every fault in the president, looking for everything he might've misspoke or mis-said.
Yeah, Graham's a busy man. If he bothered to document all of Trump's overtly un-Christian behavior, he'd have no time left to discriminate against the queers. Graham did fear God enough not to place the blame for Trump on His feet.
GRAHAM: The American people have elected Donald Trump to be president. And he's the president. We need to work with him and support him while he's president.
Fundamentalist types aren't big on science, but surely Graham can manage basic arithmetic. The American people did not elect Donald Trump. He lost the popular vote by, like, a lot. Trump did win more open spaces with cows, and maybe we are constitutionally obligated to accept the electoral preferences of livestock. That doesn't mean we have to "work with and support" Trump. Maybe God was too tired at the time to bother swinging a popular vote victory for Trump. He was content with the president's election through an antiquated electoral college system. It was good enough for Dubya.
Graham also conceded that maybe Trump is a liar, but are we any better? No! We all suck. It's in the Bible.
GRAHAM: Has [Trump] misspoken on some things? Sure. All of us do it. You do it and I do it.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).