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Sarah Huckabee Sanders did a White House press briefing for the first time in 42 days, everybody! It was so worthless, it's as if it never happened. And shockingly, it was full of exactly the type of debased motherfuckin' asshole lies we've come to expect from that debased motherfuckin' asshole.

In other words, she made her daddy proud, we bet.

After a BS presentation about Trump's BS budget, Sanders took the mic so she could fail to answer questions and spew Republican talking points about everything from Jews to abortion ... OK, actually, it was mostly just Jews and abortion. That's kind of their thing these days. DEMOCRATS HATE JEWS! (Actually, most American Jews are Democrats and that's not likely to change anytime soon, or ever.) DEMOCRATS KILL BABIES WHAT GOT JUST BORNED! (You know, we could debunk it again, but we will simply say this is one of the most evil lies conservatives have ever told about the Left, and if there is a just God, it will land them in hell.)

Let's start with Jews! (Our transcript is mostly fake, but captures the spirit.)


REPORTER: Hey, Shuckafucks, glad to see you doing your job this one time. Does Trump really think Democrats hate Jews, like he keeps tweeting?

SHUCKAFUCKS: The Democrats should be more like Republicans when they found out for the first time ever that Steve King is a Nazi and kick Ilhan Omar off her committees for saying things that aren't one iota of one percent as bad as everything that comes out of Steve King's mouth every day.

REPORTER: Hey, remember that time President "Good Nazis On Both Sides" condemned Steve King? Me neither!

SHUCK: Next question.

Let's try again!

REPORTER: No wait, seriously, remember that time Trump condemned Steve King? Me neither!

LIAR: He tells me mean things about Steve King when we're alone!

Let's try again, once more!

REPORTER: Does Trump really believe that shit about Jews, though?

SHUCK: I answered the question twice.

REPORTER: No you didn't.

SHUCK: Ask the Democrats! Ask the Democrats if they hate the Jews! Because they totally do!

Let's try another subject.

REPORTER: Hey, Shithead, is Trump going to pardon Paul Manafort?

SHITHEAD: "The president has made his position on that clear, and he'll make a decision when he's ready." (Actual quote.) In other words, mayyyyyyyybe.

First of all, it's fucked that we've even talking bout this, because this is not how pardons are supposed to work, but this generally says that yes, Trump is thinking about it. Of course, if he does do it -- perhaps because Paul Manafort's constant whining about his gout and his NO COLLUSION really hits the president's G-spot -- we invite Trump to enjoy a world where Pardoned Paul Manafort's Fifth Amendment rights have been forfeited and he can be called to testify against the president from the state prison where he ended up anyway, because they got him on state charges Trump is powerless to snap his tiny fingers and disappear.

Let's have SHS talk shit about the Jews again, and then suddenly change the subject to Democrats eating babies!

JIM ACOSTA, HERE TO HURT YOUR FEELINGS: Isn't Trump's rhetoric on Jews beneath everybody? (Yes! He literally said "beneath everybody," about the president of the United State's shitmouth, which is indeed beneath everyone.)

SHITCLOWN: I am literally going to say things about Democrats "ripping babies from their mother's womb or killing a baby after birth" for no reason right now, because A) despite the fact that I attended a high quality PUBLIC high school in Little Rock, Arkansas, my mama and daddy raised me to be real stupid, and B) I am also a lying motherfucker asshole.

ACOSTA: You are actually full of shit.

SHITCLOWN: I am saying talking points!

ACOSTA: Hey, remember Charlottesville? Trump? "Good people on both sides"?

SHITCLOWN: Ilhan Omar sucks!

s3.amazonaws.com

And finally, let's talk about Donald Trump's crimes!

REPORTER: Donald Trump spent 2017 making monthly payments to reimburse Michael Cohen for the illegal porn payoff of Stormy Daniels, a conspiracy Trump directed in order to keep that information from coming out during the election, which is therefore an unlawful contribution to his campaign, by which we mean he is a criminal. Any comment?

THE ASSHOLE: The president has stated very clearly that if the president does it, it's not a crime. Shit up in here is like Nixon times infinity, y'all!

And then it was over, and a good time was had by no one.

We swear to Christ, Sarah Huckabee Sanders is such a worthless liar at this point that they really might as well hand her job over to Diamond and Silk. At least it would be funny. And they would do musical numbers!

Anyway, Sanders needs to go fuck herself, as usual.

[videos via Aaron Rupar & Josh Marshall]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Hooray, it's time for yet another dispatch from Fox News's big fun week of failure. (No, we mean even more failure than usual.) While all of Twitter is being annoying and talking incessantly about nothing but Bran and Daenerys and Carl and Peg or whoever they are, we have been (ignoring it and) focusing on all Fox's sadness, starting with Pete Buttigieg's town hall, where he called Fox News a piece of shit to its face. Then we laughed and laughed at Fox News idiot Pete Hegseth, who is sending lots of begging to today's college graduates, that they might immediately get dropped on their heads and forget all their education, so they might grow up to be the Fox News viewers of the future.

Oh, and we haven't even had a chance to LOL at the epic hilarity of Steve Doocy trying to do man-on-the-street interviews in Midtown Manhattan, shoving the mic into the faces of New Yorkers who literally don't care if he goes and plays in traffic. That was fun!

But the point of this post is that we have finally learned what makes at least some Fox News viewers tick, and it is that Tucker Carlson "laughs like a girl." That is not us saying that, that is a Fox News fan lady telling the Washington Post's Erik Wemple why she loves Tucker Carlson so much.

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Old White Guys Try To Explain Abortion

Throwing the baby out with the bathwater. It's your Sunday show rundown!

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Michael is out, so I'm taking over your Sunday Show Rundown. This week everyone was talking about those awful abortion laws worming their way through state legislatures. As usual, most of the men were tripping on their dicks while trying to talk about vag. Luckily, there's enough women around to ladysplain things.

Bernie Sanders went on Meet the Press for the first time in FOREVER and played his greatest hits for all the kids. Sanders criticized Joe Biden's environmental policy (which is literally just "beat Trump"), stating that it wasn't "good enough." Sanders is right! (NO FIGHTING.)

SANDERS: Beating Trump is not good enough. You have to beat the fossil fuel industry, you have to take on all the forces of the status quo who do not want to move this country to energy efficiency and sustainable energy.

But then Chuck Todd asked Bernie a loaded question about women getting "sex-selective" abortions and the whole interview went off the rails. Bernie struggled to answer the dumbass question and came across looking stupid despite having spent the better part of the last week in Alabama railing against abortion bans.

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