RELAX, EVERYONE, for there is good news to report, and it is that Sarah Huckabee Sanders is officially safe. (And we want her to be safe!) Yes, after suffering the one-two punch of getting LITERALLY PUNCHED IN THE FACE WITH WORDS after Michelle Wolf called her a liar to her face, then trying to order a farm-to-table bowl of Spaghetti-O's but being denied because of her lies and her complicity, Sanders (and America!) can breathe a sigh of relief, because she's getting Secret Service protection.

Because that's the best use of your taxpayer dollars, right? To protect Sarah Huckabee Sanders from her own bullshit?

Like we said, we want SHS to be safe, and if there are legitimate threats we don't know about, then it's good for her to have protection. Maybe somebody in the White House Press Corps threatened to call her a liar on national TV or something.

Or maybe this is horseshit and the Secret Service is basically going to order all the food for Sarah Huckabee Sanders, on the off chance that the restaurateurs of America band together and decide Trump fascists are no longer allowed to eat in public. (RESIST!)

It's clear to any concerned citizen who watches Fox News that Sarah Huckabee Sanders's life has been in grave danger ever since the owner of the Red Hen in Lexington, Virginia, did Benghazi to her appetizer sampler and comped her cheese plate. Click here for Fox News war correspondent Bill McKelway's TWO SOLID DAYS of reporting from the Red Hen, but only if you are prepared to WITNESS THE CARNAGE. We can only hope he, too, is able to return to his loved ones uninjured from his time in the mean cobblestone streets of small town Virginia.

Maybe Sanders is only getting Secret Service protection because, as the failing New York Times reports, Trump thinks she is weak and sad, because she didn't walk out of the White House Correspondents Dinner when Michelle Wolf started talking about her smoky-eyed lies. Maybe Trump just doesn't think she can fend for herself in this cold, lonely world. (Wolf retorted that hey, at least Sanders had the balls to show up, unlike President LimpDick McOld!)

So anyway, that is a thing that is happening.

If you see a Secret Service agent in the KFC ordering Double Downs for the Shuckster, be sure to thank him for his selfless service to our nation, with a kind handshake, or maybe with a blowjob, because we hear Secret Service guys are pretty much always DTF.

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Hooray, it's time for yet another dispatch from Fox News's big fun week of failure. (No, we mean even more failure than usual.) While all of Twitter is being annoying and talking incessantly about nothing but Bran and Daenerys and Carl and Peg or whoever they are, we have been (ignoring it and) focusing on all Fox's sadness, starting with Pete Buttigieg's town hall, where he called Fox News a piece of shit to its face. Then we laughed and laughed at Fox News idiot Pete Hegseth, who is sending lots of begging to today's college graduates, that they might immediately get dropped on their heads and forget all their education, so they might grow up to be the Fox News viewers of the future.

Oh, and we haven't even had a chance to LOL at the epic hilarity of Steve Doocy trying to do man-on-the-street interviews in Midtown Manhattan, shoving the mic into the faces of New Yorkers who literally don't care if he goes and plays in traffic. That was fun!

But the point of this post is that we have finally learned what makes at least some Fox News viewers tick, and it is that Tucker Carlson "laughs like a girl." That is not us saying that, that is a Fox News fan lady telling the Washington Post's Erik Wemple why she loves Tucker Carlson so much.

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Old White Guys Try To Explain Abortion

Throwing the baby out with the bathwater. It's your Sunday show rundown!


Michael is out, so I'm taking over your Sunday Show Rundown. This week everyone was talking about those awful abortion laws worming their way through state legislatures. As usual, most of the men were tripping on their dicks while trying to talk about vag. Luckily, there's enough women around to ladysplain things.

Bernie Sanders went on Meet the Press for the first time in FOREVER and played his greatest hits for all the kids. Sanders criticized Joe Biden's environmental policy (which is literally just "beat Trump"), stating that it wasn't "good enough." Sanders is right! (NO FIGHTING.)

SANDERS: Beating Trump is not good enough. You have to beat the fossil fuel industry, you have to take on all the forces of the status quo who do not want to move this country to energy efficiency and sustainable energy.

But then Chuck Todd asked Bernie a loaded question about women getting "sex-selective" abortions and the whole interview went off the rails. Bernie struggled to answer the dumbass question and came across looking stupid despite having spent the better part of the last week in Alabama railing against abortion bans.

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