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RELAX, EVERYONE, for there is good news to report, and it is that Sarah Huckabee Sanders is officially safe. (And we want her to be safe!) Yes, after suffering the one-two punch of getting LITERALLY PUNCHED IN THE FACE WITH WORDS after Michelle Wolf called her a liar to her face, then trying to order a farm-to-table bowl of Spaghetti-O's but being denied because of her lies and her complicity, Sanders (and America!) can breathe a sigh of relief, because she's getting Secret Service protection.

Because that's the best use of your taxpayer dollars, right? To protect Sarah Huckabee Sanders from her own bullshit?


Like we said, we want SHS to be safe, and if there are legitimate threats we don't know about, then it's good for her to have protection. Maybe somebody in the White House Press Corps threatened to call her a liar on national TV or something.

Or maybe this is horseshit and the Secret Service is basically going to order all the food for Sarah Huckabee Sanders, on the off chance that the restaurateurs of America band together and decide Trump fascists are no longer allowed to eat in public. (RESIST!)

It's clear to any concerned citizen who watches Fox News that Sarah Huckabee Sanders's life has been in grave danger ever since the owner of the Red Hen in Lexington, Virginia, did Benghazi to her appetizer sampler and comped her cheese plate. Click here for Fox News war correspondent Bill McKelway's TWO SOLID DAYS of reporting from the Red Hen, but only if you are prepared to WITNESS THE CARNAGE. We can only hope he, too, is able to return to his loved ones uninjured from his time in the mean cobblestone streets of small town Virginia.

Maybe Sanders is only getting Secret Service protection because, as the failing New York Times reports, Trump thinks she is weak and sad, because she didn't walk out of the White House Correspondents Dinner when Michelle Wolf started talking about her smoky-eyed lies. Maybe Trump just doesn't think she can fend for herself in this cold, lonely world. (Wolf retorted that hey, at least Sanders had the balls to show up, unlike President LimpDick McOld!)

So anyway, that is a thing that is happening.

If you see a Secret Service agent in the KFC ordering Double Downs for the Shuckster, be sure to thank him for his selfless service to our nation, with a kind handshake, or maybe with a blowjob, because we hear Secret Service guys are pretty much always DTF.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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'George,' by Wonkette Operative 'Nodakastani'

Bet you guys could do with some nice things about now, huh? So let's take a break from the usual grind of horrors and nastiness and look at some less miserable stuff for a while, shall we? Oh indeed we shall.

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I don't quite know how to tell you this, but a group of anti-abortion lunatics are currently urging people to stop immunizing their children on account of the fact that they believe that because some vaccines were made using cell lines from two aborted fetuses back in the 1960s, said vaccines are not only immunizing the world against disease, but against their prayers as well. They claim that were it not for these vaccines unfairly intervening with their plans, they would have overturned Roe v. Wade by now.

The group calls themselves Intercessors for America, and their whole deal is basically that they think prayers are literal magic and that if they pray super hard for leaders to do what they want, all of their wishes will come true. They send out a newsletter filled with extremely specific prayers for various politicians based on what they are doing that day and also have an "interactive prayer wall" on their site, which is actually just a Facebook comment section of some kind where a bunch of people are posting their prayers.

No, I did not press send. Though I was tempted.

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