Sarah Palin Explains Why God Keeps Getting Bristol Pregnant
Sarah Palin calculates in her head how many of Bristol's "chances" will turn into out-of-wedlock babies.
If there's one thing Sarah Palin knows, it's the thoughts of God. She even wrote her own Bible! If there's one thing we're not sure either Sarah OR Bristol knows, it's how babbies are formed.
When Bristol announced that an angel had yet again visited her, rudely put out the Newport 100 she was smoking in bed, and proceeded to put a baby Palin inside her uterus, she said, "This has been, and will be, a huge disappointment to my family." But it looks like Mama Grizzly Princess Dumbass has had a change of heart. (And GOOD. Ain't nobody got time to listen to Sarah Palin word salad about how "disappointed" she is.) Sarah talked to the CBS News, and explained why Bristol gets pregnant so much, like every day of her life:
The cool thing about puttin' your faith in God is He certainly is a God of second chances and third and fourth and fifth chances. I screw up all the time!
How many chances will God give Bristol? ALL OF THEM KATIE.
One of these days, Bristol will be on her 6th, 12th or 27th pregnancy, and FINALLY it will be because an actual husband put a babby in her butt, instead of crummy old God. But she's gotta keep getting knocked up (and making money from speaking out FOR ABSTINENCE), because how's God going to give her all those chances to have His way with her if she won't let Him? So we're guessing once Bristol pops out little Twizzler or whatever, she'll go ahead and start figgerin' out when it's time for God to give her "another chance."
But Sarah is for real excited, also too:
Being a single mom is, oh my goodness, my heart goes out to the single parents, but my enormous admiration for what it is that they're able to accomplish, doin' double duty! And I watch Bristol do double duty all the time, you know, with her little boy, uh, Tripp. You know, I can't wait for about 45 more days, then I'm gonna have a little baby granddaughter! And I'm happy about it.
Full disclosure, but yr Wonkette giggled like a fourth grader listening to Palin say "doin' double duty" over and over again. She watches Bristol Do Double Duty all the time!
There are other Palin McNuggets in this glorious interview, of course. Did she feel like a loser when she and her vice running mate John McCain lost in 2008?
Um, well, sure!
That is the most honestest thing Sarah Palin has ever said in her entire life. Is it HER fault they lost?
Well it takes a team to win, so it takes a team to lose. I was part of the team that came in second, out of two. So yes! YEAH! I mean, semantics, okay, words matter, you either win or you lose. We lost. That makes ya NOT A WINNER! At that time.
Glorious. Was it LIBERAL MEDIA UNFAIR when Katie Couric asked the treacherous question about reading things, the question that put "ALL OF THEM KATIE" into the Wonkette Stylebook for all time? Nope, these days Sarah says that was a completely fair question:
Sure! Yeah! I had a crappy answer! But it was a fair question. I didn't like, though, the way that forever then, in these seven years, that interview has kinda been stamped on my forehead as "She's an idiot!"
No, Sarah. You are not "an idiot." You are A IDIOT. Get it right, lady. But YAY, she finally admits it's perfectly fine to ask a vice presidential candidate what kinds of things she reads. It's not a GOTCHA question.
Anyway, have fun being a grandmama again, Sarah Palin, and maybe take some time this holiday season to finally have the sex talk with Bristol, unless you want God to keep having His way with her.