Sarah Palin Is Very Sad About Entire Southern Coast Of America Being Destroyed [Update]


Aha, we've been waiting for a comment from America's most pandering oil-company cheerleader, and here we go. She knows how terrible these situations can be and is sorry for everyone down there, in the entire American coastal South, whoops. She knows.

When that Exxon Valdez thing happened, in Alaska, she basically stopped it from being worse by covering the leak with her hand -- the same hand on which she writes notes, now, for speeches. And then she cleaned it all up with a hockey stick and some cotton balls. So she knows. Maybe, since she knows exactly what is happening right now in the Gulf Coast, she should consider haulin' ass down there to clean this shit up. Either that, or she could behave like an adult when advocating for dangerous practices, on Twitter. Just brainstorming! We don't care for Sarah Palin, is the thing.


That stretch of coastline is full of marshlands, replete with reeds and piles of dead grass that could soak up oil like a sponge. Unlike fish, the area's famous populations of blue crabs and oysters won't be able to outrun the slick. And, precisely at this time of year, the region is host to vast numbers of migratory birds returning from their wintering grounds in South America.

Besides the damage to fish and wildlife, even the land itself could be a victim of the spill. One scientist said if the oil kills marsh grasses, it could eliminate a key natural barrier that keeps Louisiana's precious coastline from eroding.


Scientists said that many species of fish may simply swim away from the advancing oil slick -- although, as it spreads, there may be fewer clean waters to flee to.

For gulf animals not fleet enough to escape, including many crabs, oysters and shrimp, a coating of oil could be toxic. These species are crucial to the region's fishing villages, and the country's seafood supply: At last count, Louisiana fishermen hauled in about 10 percent of the nation's total seafood catch, by weight.

The point, as this Post article notes, and which Sarah Palin may never be capable of understanding, is that it's a lot shittier of a situation when something like this happens in the lush Mississippi Delta or Louisiana or Florida than it is when it's in the rocky, nordic coasts of North Bumfuck, Alaska. And even then, it still screws things up for a generation!

When oh when will Science figure out how to launch massive solar panels into space, so we can be rid of these filthy hydrocarbons? Or can we just launch Sarah Palin into space instead? WE TOTALLY HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY FOR THAT! Anyway.


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We know, the thing we said in our headline is a thing you can say every day, but it's really intense today, maybe because Donald Trump is now filled with fear of the inescapable reality that millions of Americans who have not read the Mueller Report are going to see Robert Mueller testify on live TV on July 17, and Donald Trump will be exposed. Maybe the Big Mac vending machine next to his golden toilet is on the fritz and he hasn't had gotten to eat a Big Mac on the poop chair since last night. Maybe he's just a weak and sad person, a collection of shithole cells God meant to throw in the garbage, but accidentally implanted in Mary Trump's turkey incubator. We imagine that'd lead to a pretty constant state of anxiety and ennui.

Whatever it is, he's totally fucked right now. We were going to write a nice post about Trump's batshit interview on Fox Business with Maria Bartiromo, but we were busy, and by the time we got to it, he had performed so many batshit feats that we're just going to stick them all in this one post.

Let's start with the fight he's trying to wage with US soccer star Megan Rapinoe, who in a now-viral video stated that she has no fuckin' interest in going to the White House to meet that idiot. He got into a quarrel with her on Twitter ... or at least with a Twitter account that didn't belong to her. It's now been replaced, in order that the adult president may shit-tweet at the soccer superstar who hurt his feelings, but Splinter grabbed the original:

The rant continued:

Right. And Megan Rapinoe just said win or lose, she has no interest in meeting your crusty ass, because no decent American would consider that an honor.

Besides, she has already been to the White House to meet a legitimately elected president:

By the by, the owner of the incorrect Megan Rapinoe account saw Trump's whining and told him to grow a dick and set it on fire:

Ya burnt!

But as we said, it was a whole day of batshit from Trump, so let's continue.

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DING DONG THE WITCH IS ... quite likely to land on her feet. But for today, the New York Times reports Dana Loesch is out of a job, the latest casualty in the war between the NRA and its longtime advertising company Ackerman McQueen. But every cloud has a silver bullet lining, since Dana will have more free time now to spend on her favorite hobby. We can't wait to see which cartoon character she photoshops Klan hoods onto next. Maybe she'll branch out and start putting Nazi armbands onto Buzz Lightyear. Oh, we would be so triggered!

As one of the most visible characters on NRATV with literal hundreds of viewers for each of her fascist rants, Dana Loesch was a tireless advocate for the gunhumpers lobby, always ready to call out "tragedy dry-humping whores," threatening to "fist" or perhaps "fisk" the New York Times, and expressing her hope that the Mueller Report would die in an "AIDS fire."

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