Sargent Shriver, Uncle To the Stars, Dead At 95
Sargent Shriver, America's best second-hand Kennedy, has died at 95. He was the Democratic Party's "BREAK GLASS IN CASE OF VICE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE EMERGENCY" guy, and was used once, in 1972. He is survived by his son-in-law's NUMBER-ONE ALL-TIME HOLIDAY SMASH-HIT Jingle All the Way, which is still available on DVD and Blu-Ray.
"A useless dingbat." — Hunter S. Thompson [NYT]