Satanic Yoga Barbie Is Coming For Your Children

Obligatory 'Muahahahahahahaha!'

Evangelicals are being weird about yoga again.

This time, it is Christian author/blogger/extreme contourer Yasmeen Suri and she is very upset about Yoga Barbie, on account of how yoga is satanic and can lead to you being possessed by Satan. Because how else was Linda Blair flexible enough to spider-walk down those stairs in The Exorcist ...

The Exorcist Stairs GIF by filmeditor    Giphy 

Nevermind spin her head around!

The Exorcist GIF by filmeditor    Giphy 

In a Facebook post from earlier this month that has just started going viral this week, Suri, who is from India originally, argues that this Barbie will make your kids do Hinduism and also deep breathing ... and that this is what Satan wants. He's going to use yoga and Barbie and Barbie's pet to make them suicidal.

"Yoga Barbie" is at Target on the shelf. Satan always comes as appearing innocent. He will never come with horns and a pitchfork. This Barbie has 5 guided meditations. Remember, Yoga IS Hinduism. You cannot separate the poses from the religion. Each pose is designed to invoke a hindu deity in the spirit realm. I have seen children get possessed by demons. This Barbie also teaches you deep breathing (pranayama). Her pet is also involved. Satan is after the children. He wants to use them and indoctrinate them for his glory. Then, when he is done, he will destroy them. As your kids grow, they will get rebellious, depressed and many will be suicidal. You won't understand what's happening as a parent. God forbids all practices of eastern religion as a Christian. You must remove all toys and clean your children's room of all demonic attachments. Deuteronomy 18: 10-12

Deuteronomy, I should add, doesn't mention toys. But sorcery, divination, and witchcraft are right out.

She makes a good case, but I still feel pretty convinced that Satan's preferred Barbie is Locket Surprise Barbie, whose chest cavity opened up in the shape of a heart to reveal blush, lip gloss or a picture of Ken (they don't show it in the commercial, but my sister owned one so I know ).

Locket Surprise Barbie Commercial (1993/1994)    www.youtube.com 

And I would believe that Satan's favorite doll in general would be Baby Alive, since that monster spits up pea soup all over the place — but what do I know? Unlike Yasmeen, I have never been in cahoots with him.

 www.youtube.com 

 Suri isn't some nobody. While we may have never heard of her, she has over 18,000 followers on Facebook, tons of videos on YouTube and frequently appears on the 700 club and TBN to "share the dangers of spiritual deception." Also, according to her biography on her site she "[r]egularly sings “The National Anthem” and “God Bless America” for the U.S. Department of Homeland Security, U.S. Department of Justice, FBI, Anti-Terrorism Committee, U. S. Military and the United States Presidential Campaign."

Barbie is not the only thing your kids love that Yasmeen Suri is worked up about. Frozen is also bad, because Elsa is a witch and is going to make your kid cast spells, a thing it is humanly possible to do.

In the movie FROZEN, The main character, Arendelle’s Queen Elsa, is a character designed based on the Snow Queen from Hans Christian Anderson’s [SIC] fairy tale, who is basically a witch.

Elsa was born with ice magic and is able to use these magical powers whether for good or evil.

The snowflakes and ice flying from her hand reveals she is a sorceress practicing magic arts, in touch with the devil to get power. The Bible is very serious about witchcraft. It is nothing to dabble with or entertain. It is condemned, because the one who practices it is an enemy of all righteousness and a child of the devil. See the account in Acts 8 of Simon Magus and Acts 13 of Elymas the sorcerer. Witchcraft is listed among the manifest works of the flesh in Galatians 5: 20. Don’t underestimate what a sampling of the occult from a young age can lead to — it’s not just harmless fun.

As they grow up, they may be tempted to seek hidden power from dark sources, such as playing with ouija boards, casting magical spells, or practicing witchcraft. [...]

Do you still think it's cute or will you stop bringing witchcraft into your home? Will you repent or disobey God?

Unicorns are also evil and the cause of all of your nightmares. [Dok here: Not unicorns!!! ]

Many people have contacted me through the years about their children seeing orbs in their bedrooms, spirits or having nightmares in their sleep. Many of them have had UNICORNS in their room. Toys, clothes and obsessions with unicorn is common now. Today, the unicorn is a decidedly more magical, gentle creature, running around on rainbows and inspiring millions with regular appearances in "My Little Pony". Unicorns have also been said to be the representations of light and good magic. Their horns have been said to be made from diamond, to gold, to silver, and even to pure concentrated magic. These unicorns, as innocent as they look, are occult in nature. Satan come innocently into our children's lives. ALL UNICORNS must be removed, renounced and destroyed in your home. We are to have NOTHING to do with the OCCULT/WITCHCRAFT.

 Lies . I am wearing rainbow unicorn slippers right now as I type this and I can't even levitate. Though I honestly do not hate the idea of an immortal evil being sitting around in hell rubbing his hands together and going "Yes! Robyn is wearing fuzzy unicorn slippers! Now she is mine ......... forever! Muahahahahahaha!"  

Clearly, the only safe toy your kids can play with is a cardboard box, or maybe one of those hoops you can hit with a stick. Clearly anything that kids actually like and enjoy is an evil plot by Satan to ruin their lives — and this includes you.

WHEN TO OPPOSE YOUR FAMILY!!!!    www.youtube.com 

What a marvelously healthy way of looking at the world.

[ Queerty ]

 Do your Amazon shopping through this link, because reasons .

Wonkette is independent and fully funded by readers like you. Click below to tip us!