Scott Pruitt Gonna Need A Chick-Fil-A Job For HIMSELF, Because He Is Now Unemployed
BREAKING NEWS THAT IS BREAKING! Scott Pruitt, AKA LazyAss McGriftsALot, has been quit-fired as the head of the EPA:
According to his resignation letter, Pruitt made this choice all by himself, and he really doesn't want to quit, but he has to because of the "unrelenting attacks" on him and his family, which we guess is how he defines "constantly getting caught with his hand in every cookie jar in the entire District of Columbia." The letter continues, saying, "My desire in service to you has always been to bless you," and that Trump is president because God wanted to Make America Great Again, or something like that, we were too busy throwing up to read all the way to the end. Following that logic, we guess the fact that Pruitt had to quit his job destroying the EPA is a pretty good indicator that God has decided to abandon the Pruitt family entirely.
We also guess Pruitt's wife Marlyn is going to really need to step up her game applying for Chick-Fil-A jobs, and maybe fill out some applications for her husband, due to how they are both completely fun-employed right right now. It's gonna be hard to pay off the $850,000 they still owe on their Tulsa, Oklahoma, house with the winnings from scratch-off lottery tickets they found on the ground at the truck stop because they can't afford to go inside and buy lottery tickets for themselves.
Just this morning, Wonkette had a post musing about whether Trump was keeping Pruitt around so he could lube him up and slide him into Jeff Sessions's job at Justice, in case Trump needs somebody to kill the Russia investigation dead. That post also noted that Pruitt, on top of facing EIGHTEEN federal investigations, has had four new scandals break about him just in the last week, including his latest, which involved using "secret" calendars to hide meetings he wasn't supposed to be having. Is that a violation of the law? You bet!
We must ask: What the fuck was the final straw here?
Did somebody cut open Pruitt's dirty old jizz mattress from the Trump hotel and find he had literally stuffed it with taxpayer money? Was he on top of the mattress at the time? Were there a bunch of coal CEOs on top of the mattress with him?
Oh well, guess we'll just all have to wildly speculate about it.
Noah Bookbinder, the director of Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington (CREW), released the following statement in reaction to Pruitt's quit-firing:
Seriously, that is the whole statement:
Fire up your Trump administration departures wall, Rachel Maddow! It's finally time to put Scott Pruitt on it!
And now laugh and be merry, in this your end-of-day OPEN THREAD.
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