Donald Trump Has Not Turned His Back On Me! He's Turned His Front Towards Himself! By Sean Hannity.
Hi folks, Sean Hannity here, broadcasting today’s show live from my front lawn while I let the neighborhood children break two-by-fours over my head. Ouch! That was a good one, Kayden from over on Maple Drive.
I can hear all my listeners out there asking, “Sean, why are you letting the neighborhood children break wooden boards over your head? Is this a Make a Wish Foundation thing? Are the kids all cancer patients whose dying dream was to beat the crap out of Sean Hannity with a two-by-four?”
Well, I can assure you it’s nothing like that. I would never do anything nice for a sick child. No, what’s happening is that a bunch of angry MAGA types in the area sent their little brats to beat up on me because they heard I admitted under oath in a deposition that I did not actually believe “for one second” that Donald Trump lost the election due to widespread voting fraud.
CONTEXT! Sean Hannity Never Believed Those Election Lies He Flogged, What Do You Think He Is, An Idiot?
Joke’s on them, though, because getting hit in the head repeatedly with a two-by-four is part of my Krav Maga training. I think. It’s kind of hard to remember at the moment.
Oof! Adele, what was that board made of? Was it oak, the mightiest of all woods? That one stung. Tell your dad just for that, I’ll be over later to take back my leaf blower.
You should have seen these kids walking up the street for me. It was like watching the Children of the Corn emerge from a cornfield. I swear their eyes were glowing. Glowing.
Anyway, let’s talk business while they’re all resting their spindly arms for a minute. Everyone might have seen this report from one of the socialists at the Daily Beast about how pretty much all of Trump World is mad at me for admitting I never believed that some mysterious cabal sabotaged Dominion’s voting machines to make Donald lose the election. Lin Wood is mad. Mike Lindell called me “disgusting.” Steve Bannon said I was a “font of terrible advice,” which honestly doesn’t hurt that much coming from a guy who told Trump to just declare himself the winner of the 2020 election and dare the rest of America to stop him.
Let’s be honest, not that Steve ever would be, but that one backfired just a tick.
Stew Peters suggested I’ve been washing Reince Preibus’s jockstrap. Jack Posobiec made fun of me, and that dude’s big role when he was in the military was handling urine samples.
Holy hell, even Bill Mitchell dunked on me! You guys remember Bill Mitchell? That’s like getting dunked on by paste.
Ouch! Did one of you little bastards just hit me with a rock? Because I will hit you back. Oh, it was just Maverick with an old bedpost? Geez, kid’s got a hell of a swing.
I will admit, it hurts to know that Donald is mad at me. After all the good times we had together. All the late-night calls, all the rides on Air Force One, all the times he had me patched in to national security meetings to give my opinion about the southern border. All the times we’d sneak into an Apache attack helicopter on a military base and he’d go thwock-thwock-thwock like we were flying it while I pretended to be firing rockets at caravans of migrants approaching the Rio Grande.
I’m actually getting teary-eyed thinking about it, and not from the agonizing pain of having been hit nonstop with wooden clubs for the last half-hour, in case that’s something any of you dared to think.
Listen, Donald did not have to listen to me when I pushed Dr. Oz and Herschel Walker as viable Senate candidates. Frankly, I don’t know why he would listen to me about anything, I have the political instincts of a dead otter. If it was up to me, Poland would have bombed Russia a couple of months ago over something that turned out to not be Russia’s fault.
Well. He’ll come crawling back. Right around next spring when Ron DeSantis announces his campaign for president. Then we’ll see who’s got a highly rated TV show that he can call into.
Okay, yes, Carlson and Ingraham and Doocy and Kilmeade and Gutfeld. But also Hannity. I ain’t dead yet.
All right, kids, enough. That last board had a nail through it and I think it punctured my eardrum.