Seattle, Bellingham, Spokane, Washington: Prepare The Wine And Women


Sup fuckers? Mama needs to get on the open road and water, and this time, that means SEATTLE, BELLINGHAM, and SPOKANE, WASHINGTON, YOU SHALL HAVE THE PLEASURE OF US.

Seattle! We shall have SPECIAL GUESTS AT YOU including your new favorite Wonkette writer and co-Seattler Stephen Robinson, and Doktor Zoom, who has bought his own ticket from Boise, who the fuck even knows why. Plus Shy, baby, and the king of you, me. Join us at the newly renovated kids playground at your Discovery Park. Park at the visitors center and then walk over to see us with the DISH YOU BROUGHT TO SHARE (if you're able; honestly, there's always so much food, forget I said anything even, you're golden). We shall barbecue things at your face. Sat., Aug. 11, 4-7 p.m. Bring a sweater! You know how you get.

Bellingham! We will do the same thing with the barbecue and the shared dishes at Sunnyland Park! Sun., Aug. 12, 2-5 p.m. Our friend lives next to the park if you want to do pots in her garage like a common jazz musician.

Then we are going away FOREVER, or "almost one week." And we will see you again in

SPOKANE! Spokane, your parks website is worse than our subscription pages, that is how bad your parks website is, but we say Sun., Aug. 19, 2-5 p.m., at ... *throws dart at computer screen* ... Audubon Park! 3405 N Milton St.! Same deal, with the barbecuing and the dishes and the fun and the nice.

And then I will be very cured of all the Trump and we will all be ready to take this fucker on again forever and ever amen. You may send us gas money here because you are a dork who loves to send us gas money the end.

Also this, you, OPEN THREAD.

Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.

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The producers of your favorite live-action Jack Chick pamphlet, "God's Not Dead" -- you know, the one where the Hercules dude plays an evil philosophy professor who tells all of his students on the first day that they are no longer allowed to believe in god? As all secular professors do? -- have come out with a thrilling new movie, all about how abortion is bad or whatever.

The movie tells the "true" story of Abby Johnson, a former Planned Parenthood clinic worker turned professional anti-choicer. Johnson has been a darling of the forced birth circuit ever since she made up ridiculous and provably false reasons for quitting the Planned Parenthood that was about to fire her for being bad at her job.

Basically, she claims that Planned Parenthood was pushing her to make more abortions happen so they could reel in more dough, and also that she witnessed (for the first time ever!) an ultrasound-guided abortion and saw the baby move from the light and then immediately realized that what she was doing was wrong.

The thing is, however -- no ultrasound-guided abortions were performed on the day she said it happened, and the only reason there was an uptick in abortions at her clinic was because they started offering the abortion pill on a daily basis (and had previously only been performing surgical abortions every other Saturday).

As you may have guessed, the movie does not address any of these things. It also looks very, very bad.

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Ever since Ruth Bader Ginsburg successfully underwent surgery for lung cancer, conservative sites and message boards have been trafficking in a ridiculous theory that she is actually dead and that there is some kind of Weekend at Bernie's-esque conspiracy to pretend she is still alive.

Now, one would think that her recent public appearance at a concert held in her honor would have put this to rest. Alas, it did not. Rather, the "researchers" (as they hilariously call themselves) determined that the concert was actually her funeral.

No. Really. That was a thing.

I admit that I gave this a lot more thought than I should have. Like, how did they think this would go? How long did they imagine this would go on for? Why would they risk having a full on funeral concert, open to the press? Wouldn't they just have not bothered to have a funeral at all? And what did these people think was going to happen when it was announced that she died for real? Or did they think that we were going to pretend that she is immortal and thus never announce her death? It's so confusing!

Being very up to date on the "RBG is secretly dead!" nonsense, I was very curious about which way the "anons" would go with this when they announced her return to work on Friday. They did not disappoint!

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