Secret Service Would Take Bullet For Jared 'N' Ivanka, Not Allowed To Take A Sh*t In Their House
In a great act of public service journalism on the final Thursday of the Trump administration, the Washington Post brings us the story we didn't know we needed to know about the Secret Service detail assigned to protect Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump. Namely, the agents tasked with protecting their lives aren't allowed to use any of the approximately 478 toilets in the Kushner-Trump manse in the posh Kalorama neighborhood of Washington DC:
Instructed not to use any of the half-dozen bathrooms inside the couple's house, the Secret Service detail assigned to President Trump's daughter and son-in-law spent months searching for a reliable restroom to use on the job, according to neighbors and law enforcement officials. After resorting to a porta-potty, as well as bathrooms at the nearby home of former president Barack Obama and the not-so-nearby residence of Vice President Pence, the agents finally found a toilet to call their own.
Eventually, the agency was able to find a terlet to let, in a basement studio in a house right across the street from
Caca Casa de Kushner, at the price of $3,000 a month, which is all you need to know the house isn't owned by anyone in the Trump family. The space not occupied by the bathroom also serves as a command post and break room for the Secret Service detail, so that works out pretty well for all, particularly the agents who may need to work some things out themselves. What a relief!
The Post does note that not being allowed to poop in the house isn't all that unusual:
Arrangements that allow for some distance between Secret Service agents and those they guard are not unusual, particularly when the agency's "means, methods or resources" involve indoor plumbing. The people who qualify for such protection often occupy expensive, sprawling properties where a detail can use a garage, pool house or other outbuilding as a command post, break room and bathroom.
Problem is, the Kushner maison didn't have anything that would work for the Secret Service detail's particular set of spills.
And speaking of Secret Service details, the WaPo story positively strains to get out the full truth about the great toilet search. We learn that after neighbors complained about the porta-potty out on the sidewalk in front of
Shits Chez Kushner, the agents went over to use the loo at the command post in the Obamas' garage. Everything was just swell at first, but soon the arrangement went right into the shitter when
a Secret Service supervisor from the Trump/Kushner detail left an unpleasant mess in the Obama bathroom at some point before the fall of 2017, according to a person briefed on the event.
The supervisor left such a huge, filthy, positively agricultural load that the Kushner team was flushed, not by the Obamas, but by the leaders of the Obamas' security detail. Talk about your internal rivalry!
Also, if you've never read Vice's saga of the time Someone Did a Shit So Bad On a British Airways Plane That It Had to Turn Around and Come Back Again, you should probably treat yourself, if that's the word. Did he work for the Secret Service?
After the Obama Shitsplosion Incident, agents guarding the Kushners were welcome to use a "bathroom in a stand-alone guard station" at the Naval Observatory, where the Pences live, but that doody station is a mile away from the Kushners, so agents pressed for time or urgency "relied on the hospitality of nearby restaurants."
Well goddamn it, Washington Post, you didn't tell us if that one supervisor got banned from any of those places for another humongous mondo turd.
Eventually the Secret Service found the basement studio and all has worked out well; the $3,000 a month isn't especially outrageous for the kinds of rentals the agency does for other protectees, either. Joe Biden charged the Secret Service $2,200 for a guest house it used as a command center, and that was in 2011, so adjusted for inflation ($2,500), it's not a bad deal. [Rebecca always thought it was unseemly that Old Handsome Joe charged for the Secret Service to protect him, and the past four years of Trumpist moneymaking off the Secret Service's captive audience has not changed her mind.]
Also, not surprisingly, the White House says this is all a load of doodoo:
A White House spokesperson denied that Trump and Kushner restricted agents from their 5,000-square-foot home, with its six bedrooms and 6.5 bathrooms, and asserted that it was the Secret Service's decision not to allow the protective detail inside. That account is disputed by a law enforcement official familiar with the situation, who said the agents were kept out at the family's request.
We may never know. It's just one of those classic "She said, 'Pee shed'" situations.
In any case, we assume that after Joe Biden is sworn in, the Kushners will be shooting out of DC faster than a little deuce poop after a big dinner at the White House, so the Secret Service can keep on doing its job as needed for new clients. We don't begrudge the cost of a fairly modest basement space for the good of the agents. After all, Secret Service agents are the last people you'd want just going through the motions.
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Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.