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On Saturday, Joe Biden cleaned the fuck up in the South Carolina primary, which suggests his campaign was for real when it said screw those white people states, you'll see what happens when we hit the South. With Pete Buttigieg and Amy Klobuchar pulling out of the race in response, this weekend might end up being the turning point for this year's Democratic primary.

On Sunday, United States Senator Ron Johnson (R-The Dumbest One) sent his colleagues on the Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs Committee, which he chairs, a letter announcing that he's got some subpoenas he wants to send, related to his VERY 'PORTANT 'VESTIGATION into that thing America can't stop thinking about, by which we mean that time Hunter Biden worked at a gas station in Ukraine.

What, you are not obsessed with that? Well, you must not be a REG'LAR AMERICAN like Ron Johnson (R-Up To His Ass In This Ukraine Shit.)

Anyway, this is all right on schedule!

Here is the letter from Ron Johnson (R-I Eat Russian Propaganda For Breakfast) to his colleagues. You shouldn't read it, it's too stupid:


You see, there is this Ukrainian scammer named Andrii Telizhenko. He is one of the assholes who has seen an easy mark in Rudy Giuliani, and has been spreading bullshit -- the kind that's already been debunked by the GOP-led Senate Intelligence Committee -- about how UKRAINE WAS TEH REAL COLLUSIO!11!N!!

You know, the Kremlin conspiracy theory Ron Johnson has gone on your TV to spout off about like a common Igor.

Clearly Telizhenko sees an easy mark in Johnson too, because look at that stupid fucking face up there. He was able to score a very long meeting last summer with Johnson's staff, so he could whisper sweet nothings to them about how the DNC and Ukraine worked together to FRAAAAAAME Paul Manafort, and probably to bury the DNC's cloud server in the cloud backyard in cloud Ukraine. (It is a cloud server.)

Also an easy mark? New York Times reporter Ken Vogel, probably the worst investigative reporter in America, and we are including high school newspapers. When Vogel was at Politico, Telizhenko was his source for his hilariously debunked article about UKRAINE WAS TEH REAL COLLUSIO1!1!N1^%%%%%n! You know, the article that gives all the Republican senators and congressmen paper cuts in their pants, because of how they jerk off with it constantly.

So yeah, that is what Ron Johnson's Sunday subpoena letter is about. He wants to subpoena an American consulting firm, Blue Star Strategies, where Telizhenko once worked, and which once represented Burisma, the Ukrainian gas company upon whose board Hunter Biden sat. Johnson is just pretty sure, according to his letter, that, while Blue Star repped Burisma, it did the #BadThings and used Hunter Biden's name to get some kind of goodies from the State Department or something, nobody fucking knows or cares.

Hey! Know who else wants documents from Burisma? NO, YOU GUESS!

While insisting that this IS TOO RELEVANT to the work of the American people, Johnson bitches and moans that Committee ranking member Gary Peters (D-MI) is saying mean things about how Johnson is literally buying into Russian propaganda and disinformation campaigns, arguing that the only way to find out for sure is to do all these hot sexxxy Biden investigations, especially right now, as it looks like Biden may very well end up being the Democratic nominee.

Johnson is also super-mad somebody leaked to Politico on Friday that back in December, Senate Intelligence Committee chairman Richard Burr had cornered Johnson and Chuck Grassley in the men's room during a traditional Midwestern Iowa vs. Wisconsin stream-crossing contest and told them their dumbfuck Russian propaganda investigations into Russian propaganda about the Bidens. (WONKETTE INSTANT FACTCHECK: We don't know if Johnson and Grassley were literally peeing at the time.)

In other words, fuckin' cool it, Senator Johnson.

But in Johnson's estimation, the REAL Russian propaganda-doers are the ones who are leaking details of Burr telling him and Grassley to stop fucking this butter cow.

Look at this whining:

This Committee has been investigating matters related to Burisma for nearly a year. [You know, the important stuff! About Burisma!] Throughout, we have sought to keep the Committee's information gathering on these matters largely outside the public spotlight, allowing us to first carefully review information to determine its authenticity and potential confidentiality. [...]

For these reasons, it is impossible not to question the motivations behind, and the timing of, Politico's inaccurate article regarding my meeting in a classified setting with Senator Burr and his staff -- which "coincidentally" was published on the same day as the Ranking Member's letter disapproving of this subpoena.

Johnson writes that he "remains convinced" that they just really need these documents from this Blue Star company the Ukrainian scammer worked for, because it is "an important part of this investigation" into completely debunked and made-up claims that originated in the dank butthole of the Kremlin.

As Johnson's letter draws to its braindead conclusion, he asserts that despite all the people trying to stop him from pursuing the Russian propaganda stories he hears from Rudy Giuliani and Ukrainian scammers and also probably people who call him on the phone and ask for his Social Security Number with funny accents, he is "not deterred." To which we reply, we know, Senator Johnson. We don't call you the stupidest member of the United States Senate, perpetually depriving Rand Paul and Marsha Blackburn of a title they surely covet, for nothing.

Sorry, Rand 'n' Marsha, the Wisconsin fuckhead still wins.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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