Senate's Dumbest Republican Also A Sniveling Toady If You're Into That Sort Of Thing
Ron Johnson is in big trouble, Mister! Hugh Hewitt, the avatar of conservative white guys in their 60s who turned in, tuned Fox, and copped out, took the Wisconsin senator over his knee on Wednesday and spanked him right on the bottom.
"You don't trust Comey. You don't trust Strzok. You don't trust any of them. Why haven't they been subpoenaed by your committee yet?" Hewitt demanded.
"Well, first of all, I need approval of my committee members," Johnson protested. "And it was tough enough getting the subpoenas on Blue Star Strategies and then the other subpoena authority I've got."
As Politico points out, this is blatantly false. The Homeland Security Committee voted to give Chairman Johnson unilateral authority to issue subpoenas in a motion which mentioned both James Comey and Peter Strzok by name. But Hewitt didn't know that, so he pressed on, demanding to know which Republican was trying to save Johnson and the GOP from shooting themselves in the dick with yet another windmill-tilt at the Ukraine scam.
HEWITT: We are owed answers about an attempted coup of the president, and we're not getting them from the legislative oversight. And you are one of the two chairmen.
JOHNSON: And I'm just telling you, I had a devil of a time just getting the subpoena authority that I got.
HEWITT: What does that mean? I mean, who is the screw-up on your committee? Which Republican doesn't want to get to the bottom of this?
JOHNSON: We had a number, we had a number of my committee members who were highly concerned about how this looks politically.
HEWITT: Who? Who?
JOHNSON: Hugh, I'm not, you know, I'm just not going to be naming names that way.
Bang-up job there by Hewitt's producers! Okay, since this asshole is apparently too lazy to Google it, the Republican members of the HSC are Rob Portman, Rand Paul, James Lankford, Rick Scott, Mike Enzi, Josh Hawley, and Mitt Romney. Wanna take a wild shot in the dark which one of those white dudes possesses the modicum of conscience and judgment to discourage wasting time in a pandemic trying to relitigate stupid shit from 2016? Could it be the guy who voted to impeach Trump? Tough to say!
After chastising the Senate for going on recess while there are important political persecutions to plot, Hewitt demanded information on internal Justice Department investigations.
What's the point of controlling the apparatus of law enforcement if you can't use it as a weapon against your political enemies, that's what Hugh Hewitt, a member of the bar in good standing, wants to know!
HEWITT: Has Barr told you that there is a grand jury?
JOHNSON: No, I haven't discussed that with him.
HEWITT: Do you know if there is a grand jury?
JOHNSON: No, I don't.
HEWITT: Do you expect any kind of indictments for any reason at all from Durham before October?
JOHNSON: There certainly should be some.
Then they complained that Bill Barr had failed to do LOCK HER UPS to Andy McCabe, despite the fact that he tried like hell to make it happen, and the grand jury seems to have told him to get fucked.
But Hugh Hewitt's far too busy commenting on the news to, like, read the news. Particularly when there are Republican senators to be ritually pantsed.
HEWITT: I'm shaking my head. I don't think, Senator, you understand the depth to which people like me, the center-right of the party, are absolutely disappointed in our senators.
JOHNSON: No, Hugh, I fully understand.
HEWITT: Absolutely disappointed. They played hardball in the House, you guys play softball underhand in the Senate. And we are going to lose this election if we lose it in the Senate, if we lose it in the Senate because you and Lindsey let them do this. You've let them slow walk you into a corner.
JOHNSON: I don't know how to respond to that, Hugh. I'm doing everything I can in terms of pushing this thing forward.
HEWITT: Well, you ought to go kick ass on your committee staff and fire people.
Daddy is very mad, Ron! Now go to your room and think about what you did.
"Senator Ron Johnson, come back when you've got something for me," commanded the talk show host.
"Oh, yeah, I'll be glad to, Hugh," whimpered the actual senator heading up one of the most important committees in Congress.
And PS, the next day, when Hewitt got wise to Johnson's wheeze on subpoena power, he took to the airwaves to get another kick in.
"Ron Johnson came on yesterday, and it's never happened in my 30 years in radio and television. Just flat out dissembled. Just flat out did not tell me the truth."
OH, IT'S ON!
"Now I like Ron. And when no one else would talk to him during the last time he ran for Senate when they wrote him off as dead, I had him on. He lived here. You know, he had a pup tent in the studio," Hewitt raged, before promising that he'd do it all again just to see his pal re-elected.
And that there is Republicanism in a nutshell, folks.
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Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.