Senate's Dumbest Republican F*cking That Hunter Biden Chicken Again

Ron Johnson, the Senate's Official Dumbest Republican, who has held that title nonstop ever since Wonkette gave him it, is on a ROLL this week. Fresh off his unqualified success in getting an email from former national security advisor Susan Rice declassified, which totally proved that "Obamagate" is the exact opposite of what Donald Trump thinks it is, Johnson's Homeland Security Committee has just approved some fresh subpoenas for the Hunter Biden investigation.

Why? Because that's what America cares about, during a pandemic! What Joe Biden's ding dong son Hunter Biden may or may not have done in Ukraine, during some period of time when you were totally forgetting to give a shit about that!

So the committee approved subpoenas today for an American lobbying firm called Blue Star Strategies, as part of Johnson's quest for Hunter Biden's nudes or something, who knows. Blue Star Strategies, for its part, is kind of confused about the subpoenas, according to its CEO, because they're pretty sure they were already cooperating with Ron Johnson's fake dumbfuckingstupid investigation. And of course, we should remind you that Ron Johnson's quest here is almost certainly part of a Kremlin-sourced disinformation campaign to help Donald Trump steal a second election.

So there's that.

Johnson's quest has generated fierce objection from Democrats, who argue that the inquiry is simply an election-year witch hunt meant to sling mud at President Trump's likely November opponent. Some, including the committee's top Democrat, have suggested that Johnson is serving as an unwitting pawn in a Russian disinformation campaign. [...]

After the vote, Johnson defended the investigation. "The question I would ask is: What is everybody worried about? If there's nothing there, we'll find out there's nothing there. But if there's something there, the American people need to know that," he said.

Yeah, because again, it's just really top-of-mind for Americans right now, what Hunter Biden has been up to.

Ron Johnson, who was all the way up to his ass in Trump's Ukraine election-stealing scandal, has been raw-dogging this Hunter-Biden-shaped chicken for a while now. (God he's stupid, Jesus Christ.) He is just pretty sure Hunter Biden worked at a gas station in Ukraine one time, or at least that's what his secret friends who smell like vodka and speak with Russian accents tell him, ALLEGEDLY.

OK maybe the Kremlin-planted conspiracy theory isn't that simple. There is a Ukrainian scammer named Andrii Telizhenko. He is one of the assholes who has seen an easy mark in Rudy Giuliani, and has been spreading bullshit — the kind that's already been debunked by the GOP-led Senate Intelligence Committee — about how UKRAINE WAS TEH REAL COLLUSIO!11!N!! in 2016.

Clearly Telizhenko has seen an easy mark in Johnson too, and you gotta give the guy credit for being not wrong about that. He was able to score a very long meeting last summer with Johnson's staff, so he could whisper sweet nothings to them about how the DNC and Ukraine worked together to FRAAAAAAME Paul Manafort, and God knows what else.

(Also an easy mark? New York Times reporter Ken Vogel, probably the worst investigative reporter in America, and we are including neighborhood watch newsletters on NextDoor. When Vogel was at Politico, Telizhenko was his source for his hilariously debunked article about UKRAINE WAS TEH REAL COLLUSIO1!1!N1^%%%%%n! You know, the article that gives all the Republican senators and congressmen paper cuts in their pants, because of how they jerk off with it constantly.)

And how this ties into Hunter Biden is that Telizhenko also used to work for this Blue Star Strategies lobbying outfit, which repped Burisma, the Ukrainian gas company upon whose board Hunter Biden once sat. And Ron Johnson is just pretty sure that while Blue Star repped Burisma, it did #BadThings and used Hunter Biden's name to get some kind of goodies from the State Department or something, nobody fucking knows or cares.

Also according to the conspiracy theory, Joe Biden personally withheld aid from Ukraine in order to force a perfectly wonderful prosecutor out, and then bragged about it, because that perfectly wonderful prosecutor was investigating Burisma. As opposed to the real story, where Biden was conducting the established foreign policy of the entire western world at the time regarding Ukrainian corruption, and forcing the entirely corrupt-as-fuck prosecutor out actually increased the chances Burisma would be targeted. (That shit has been debunkedforever. And Ron Johnson knows this, because Ron Johnson was one of the senators who signed a letter back in 2016 pushing then-president Petro Poroshenko to reform that corrupt prosecutor's office, and he is fully aware that when Biden told Ukraine to fire that guy, he was representing the foreign policy of the United States, in agreement with the EU and the IMF and the entire rest of the western world.)

Anyway, truly Ron Johnson's subpoenas are ESENCHUL BIZNESS during a global pandemic. It's not like the Homeland Security Committee has any other pressing matters to attend to, because is "global pandemic" even part of "Homeland Security"? (It is.)

As the Washington Post reminds us, another objection Democrats have had, or should we say a helpful suggestion, is that the committee should get defensive briefings from the intel community, to make sure Ron Johnson is not literally on a raw-dogging snipe hunt based on dezinformatsiya directly planted by Russian military intelligence. (SPOILER!)

Senator Kamala Harris, who is also on the committee, read Johnson for filth before the vote:

Anyway, all of this is great and fine and normal. You've got Ron Johnson doing these dumbass subpoenas in the Homeland Security Committee, and meanwhile, Lindsey Graham is over there at Judiciary, saying he wants a full list of all the OBAMA PEOPLES! who did UNMASTKGINGGS! to Trump people, in order to FRAMEGHAZI! Michael Flynn or something.

Were you worried this election couldn't get stupider? Pfffffft. You know better.


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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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