Senator Ron Johnson Determined To Make 2020 Election As Stupid As He Is

IT'S DUMB TIME! Now that Joe Biden has a real shot of becoming the Democratic nominee, and possibly reaching the delegate threshold before the convention, Republicans are really starting their engines against the candidate Trump has feared the most the entire time, the one he got himself impeached trying to eliminate from contention.

The other day, we had an update on the Senate's Dumbest Republican, Ron Johnson of Wisconsin, who on Sunday sent a letter to his colleagues on the Homeland Security Committee about some subpoenas he wants to send next week, to get to the bottom of the very obviously real Burisma Biden scandal. Because clearly voters are really concerned with whether Hunter Biden worked at a gas station in Ukraine one time. And because Republicans have invented out of whole cloth a lie that Joe Biden corruptly withheld money from Ukraine, while forcing them to fire a (corrupt) Ukrainian prosecutor.

And they know it's a lie, because Ron Johnson was one of the senators who signed a letter back in 2016 pushing then-president Petro Poroshenko to reform that corrupt prosecutor's office, and he is fully aware that when Biden told Ukraine to fire that guy, he was representing the foreign policy of the United States, in agreement with the EU and the IMF and the entire rest of the western world.

Johnson knows this. Johnson is stupid — the Senate's dumbest Republican, according to Wonkette's Scientific Department Of Testing Which Republican Senator Is The Dumbest! — but he's not that stupid.

Anyway, he is mouth-talking more about his Biden investigation, because Trump's only hope in November, besides Russian help, is to try to make "BUT HIS BURISMA!111!1!!!" into this year's BUT HER EMAILS!!11!!!"

Politico reported Wednesday that Johnson is planning to have an "interim report" ready in just a month or two, on that most pressing concern for American households, Hunter Biden's time on the board of Ukrainian energy company Burisma. Why "a month or two"? No reason. Definitely not because of the Democratic primary.

Tell us how it's not about the Democratic primary, Senator Mister Wizard!

"These are questions that Joe Biden has not adequately answered," Johnson said. "And if I were a Democrat primary voter, I'd want these questions satisfactorily answered before I cast my final vote."

Oh we guess it is about the Democratic primary. Way to say the quiet part out loud, MENSA boy.

Ron Johnson just knows, if he was a "Democrat primary voter," not only would he stupidly say "Democrat primary," but he would also be obsessed with Hunter Biden's Dirty Burismas. Ron Johnson really knows what Democrats care about, you bet.

We must, as ever, remind you that Johnson was up to his ass in Trump's Ukraine scandal, and appears to be a fact witness to some of the crimes Trump committed against Ukraine, for which Trump was impeached. Unfortunately, Johnson also may be too stupid to realize he was witnessing crimes, because when Trump told him "NO QUID PRO QUO!" Johnson, like a stupid dumb idiot, believed Trump.

Or at least he pretended to believe Trump. Look, either Johnson is carrying water and doing cover-ups to hide his Dear Orange Shitlord's crimes, or he's too stupid to understand what he saw. We guess it could be both.

Trump is also ready to tell us more about Hunter Biden's Dirty Burismas, as if Trump wasn't just impeached for demanding the Ukrainian president announce fake investigations into fake scandals about Hunter Biden's Dirty Burismas. He admits it's all he has:

Trump on Wednesday night on Fox said that the investigation into Biden and Ukraine "will be a major issue in the campaign, I will bring that up all the time because I don't see any way out."

Trump was trying to say he just doesn't have any choice here, but it came out as "I don't see any way out," which is probably more honest.

Hey pop quiz, are Trump and Ron Johnson doing Russia's work for them, like old hairy pool boys working at a Russian bathhouse, waiting on Russians named Igor and Boris, sucking their toes when requested? Well, we don't know if they are literally doing that, but on top of all the bullshit about the Bidens and Burisma being debunked ages ago, it's definitely part of the Russian propaganda campaign in support of Trump, and against Biden. What did the Russians try to hack a couple months back? Burisma, of course.

"I am concerned to see that in the Senate there seems to be a renewed interest in furthering these bogus Russian narratives through the use of their investigative powers," said House Intelligence Committee Chairman Adam Schiff (D-Calif.). "I just think it's so deeply destructive to be effectively working in a concert with Russian propaganda artists."

But Johnson says NO HE NEVER, this isn't even about the Bidens, and if the Bidens just happen to be in his made-up fiction story about the Bidens, well then so be it, they should blame themselves!

"My investigations are not focused on the Bidens. They're just not. But I can't ignore them because they're part of the story. They made themselves part of the story," Johnson said. "If there's wrongdoing, the American people need to know it. If there is no wrongdoing or nothing significant, the American people need to understand that as well."

Again, the "wrongdoing" Johnson is concerned with, that he thinks is top of mind for Americans, is the machinations of an Ukrainian energy company nobody had ever heard of before Trump started committing impeachable crimes demanding investigations of it, and investigations of fake debunked Russian disinformation allegations of Ukrainian interference in the 2016 election, in order to help him steal an(other) election.

The next eight months are going to be so fucking stupid, like a common Ron Johnson.


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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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