Wisconsin's Ron Johnson (R-Of course) has only been a member of the United States Senate for about five minutes (technically he was elected in 2010, which in Senate years is five minutes), but he sure knows a thing or three about how there has never been a single moment of less-than-perfect decorum. (He was not yet in the Senate when Vice President Dick Cheney told Sen. Patrick Leahy to quote unquote GO FUCK YOURSELF back in 2004, so that wouldn't even count.)

However, Johnson is quite sure that his colleague, Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand, is probably a "fat" "porky" liar because she claims, in her new book, that some menfolk colleagues have said some rude sexist things to her, which is basically UNPOSSIBLE.

"It’s actually a pretty collegial place," Johnson said in an interview on NewsmaxTV. "Pretty professional. I have never seen that type of behavior. That’s all I can say. That’s been my experience."

Well, gosh and golly and gee freakin' whiz, Senator. Guess your whopping three-and-a-half years in the Senate certainly trumps Gillibrand's experience of her own experience in the Senate. Besides, it's not like you were even there that time Republican Sen. Bob Packwood was sexually harassing and assaulting some lady staffers, ALLEGEDLY (even though he wrote about it in his own diary; that makes it more like ACTUALLY). Clearly, that does not count either.

We will give you some credit (that's sarcasm; you get NO credit) for allowing Gillibrand the opportunity to prove you wrong.

If you’re going to throw out accusations, my guess is you’d probably ought to name names. If you’re going throw out those kinds of accusations, you ought to give people a chance to explain themselves.

Yes, she really ought to give those creeps the chance to explain themselves. Because it's not like they could come forward and say, "I am the senator who told Kirsten not to lose too much weight because I like my girls chubby, but LET ME EXPLAIN IT." They can only defend themselves if she names names first. That's how it works. Sen. Johnson knows. He's been in the Senate for all these years, after all. Still, he's not jumping to conclusions or anything.

"I wasn’t there, so I can’t express an opinion," Johnson said after expressing an opinion. "I've just never witnessed any kind of comments like that myself." And because Johnson is also a chubby girl who should or should not lose weight depending on the male senators' sexual preferences, and he she's never been told to keep those porky pounds on, it's obvious that Gillibrand is recklessly tossing around these most likely false accusations, AS WOMEN DO, and she sure owes it to the those men who most likely never even said those things to be able to call her a liar.

Here's the most important part: Whoever those men were or were not who did or did not act like sexist pigs to their colleague, which probably never happened since Sen. Johnson has never witnessed any such thing, it sure wasn't Sen. Johnson. He needed to make that perfectly clear. So while he may be a dickfaced dick -- which he most certainly is -- at least he's not the kind who sexually harasses his colleagues. Sure, he might be the kind of sexist who tries to mansplain the federal budget to his fellow senator from Wisconsin, Tammy Baldwin, who happens to be a lady so obviously also too an idiot, but at least he didn't mansplain to her how to really turn him on. BRB, engraving the medal now.

We certainly look forward to the day when Sen. Johnson is up for re-election, which is still lightyears away because he only just got to the Senate five minutes ago. Until then, Senator, may we humbly suggest you go Cheney yourself. Collegially, of course.

[Buzzfeed]

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