Sh*t, Devin Nunes Found The Collusion! It Was HILARIOUS ZINGERS The Whole Time!
So, you know how the Robert Mueller testimony is not tomorrow, because some Democratic congressional committees had to bicker about who got to say what words when, and now it is a week later? Yeah, well Devin Nunes (R-MOOOOOOOOOO) knows the real reason for the rescheduling, and it is ZINGERS and COLLUSION and every other nasty thing you can think of, but not between Trump people and Russians! Oh no, that would be too normal and obvious and painstakingly detailed in the Mueller Report, so Devin Nunes couldn't believe a thing like that!
The Washington Examiner journalism website tells us of Nunes's very smart MENSA theory that he shared on the Fox News network:
Devin Nunes raises alarm: Democrats may be 'back channelling' with Mueller to create a 'narrative'www.youtube.com
After Democratic leadership announced a deal that pushed Mueller's open hearing back a week to July 24, Nunes said, "There's got to be a reason for it."
Yeah, we just said, Democrats were being bellyaching attention whores, and sure, the Judiciary Committee maybe had a point, because two hours is not enough for 41 members to question a witness.
But no, that cannot be it!
He suggested there may be a closed-door effort to work with Mueller's team to create a "narrative."
"I fear what's going on right now is that Mueller is working with a lot of his staff who are back channeling to the Democrats, and so it is very possible that Mueller is going to have a few little sound bites that are going to give the Democrats exactly what they want," the California Republican said Monday evening on Fox News.
Wait what? He thinks all the Democrats are in a secret Slack channel with Mueller and his prosecutors, and they're just working out their comedy lines for maximum effect? This is a thing Devin Nunes thinks inside his potato salad brain? Fuck.
Nunes belched out some more methane in Sean Hannity's general direction, to further prove his case:
Remember, [Attorney General] Bill Barr came out with [then-Deputy Attorney General] Rod Rosenstein, and issued a statement, right? He issued a statement. And then a few days later, somebody got to Mueller where Mueller needed to come out ... and make a nine and a half minute statement. Then of course, later, he had to rectify it," Nunes told host Sean Hannity.
They "got to Mueller." As opposed to Mueller was pissed off that his work was being lied about, by Bill Barr. OK, Devin, keep fucking that cow-chicken hybrid. (As for Mueller coming out later and "rectifying" what he said, wingnuts are obsessed with an imaginary event wherein Mueller made a statement after his presser clarifying that Bill Barr hadn't been lying about his work. That did not happen.)
Of course, because Nunes is approximately an equal Stable Genius to Donald Trump, we should all assume everything he's saying right now is correct, and that the Democrats and Robert Mueller will now have to find a new secret back channel to workshop their material in advance of next week's hearing, now that their secret is out in the open. Maybe they could use the basement of the Comet Ping Pong Pizza in Washington DC (there is no basement), or that section of the White House lawn Devin Nunes galloped across on the back of a frolicking cow at midnight in 2017 when the White House gave him secret intel to give to the White House about Barack Obama putting "wire tapps" in Donald Trump's B-hole or whatever it was.
Or maybe they can just find a hipster coffee shop. Because this is all definitely happening.
Devin Nunes is a mindfuckingly stupid man.
Speaking of zingers, it reminds us of the time back many moons ago when it was revealed to the world that the real collusion was Wonkette, who framed Donald Trump and the Russians and we don't know who else, but it seems pretty serious.
Shit you guys. Is it possible this whole Trump-Russia thing was cooked up by WONKETTE??? https://t.co/Sxpxso2uDB— Master Rebecca Schoenkopf, Wonkette Editrix, King (@Master Rebecca Schoenkopf, Wonkette Editrix, King) 1501543544.0
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