She Was Just The Biggest Nerd, But Now She's A Princess! Tabs, Wed. November 24, 2021
Happy Thanksgiving Eve, Wonkers! If you're reading this, we guess you're either not traveling, or you're already there. Because no mater where you go, there you are. Let's see what's in the newsbag today, at least right after this important traffic safety tip: Make sure your Labrador retriever's eyeglass or contact lens prescription is up to date before that long holiday drive.
Aldon's vision was never good to begin with, which is why he was told not to drive.\n\nBut Aldon is very stubborn.pic.twitter.com/fgO39VCG2z— Neil Lowenthal (@Neil Lowenthal) 1637686802
Aldon, you big goofball.
In Missouri yesterday, Kevin Strickland, 62, was finally exonerated in the 1978 triple murder for which he had been falsely convicted. The county prosecutor's office determined in May that he was absolutely not involved in the killings. He was freed after having been in prison for 43 years, among the country's longest incarcerations of an innocent person. [Kansas City Star]
A sixth victim has died following Sunday's vehicular attack on a Christmas parade in Waukesha, Wisconsin. The 8-year-old boy had been critically injured when an SUV driven by Darrell Brooks rammed into the parade. 13 children hurt in the attack remain hospitalized ; six are in critical condition, according to a press release. Brooks had been charged with five counts of first-degree intentional homicide, which prosecutors say is likely to be followed by a new charge following the boy's death. An additional 62 people were injured in the rampage. Jesus. [CNN]
NASA last night launched a spacecraft atop a SpaceX Falcon 9 rocket on a mission to slam into an asteroid at 15,000 miles an hour. The goal is to measurably alter the asteroid's orbit a little bit; it's a test of technology and systems that could someday be used to deflect big space objects that might endanger Earth and kill the dinosaurs all over again.
in about a year, after a trip of 6.5 million miles, the spacecraft, called DART (Double Asteroid Redirection Test) will whack into a smallish asteroid, Dimorphos, which is about 525 feet across and orbits a larger asteroid called Didymos, which is around 2,500 feet across. Crashing DART into the smaller of a binary asteroid duo will only affect Dimorphos's orbit around Didymos, so no, this is not the start of a cheesy disaster movie. Probably. [NBC News]
Here's the replay of the NASA livestream of the launch. At no point in the asteroid deflection mission does Captain Kirk smack his head, lose his memory, and fall in love with an embarrassingly stereotypical Native American lady. Season 3, man, who can explain it?
One of the January 6 Capitol attackers is a Broadway actor who plays Judas in a touring company of Jesus Christ, Superstar. We're especially impressed that the FBI arranged to arrest him by having one of his fellow January 6 conspirators identify him with a kiss. Also too, we must agree with freelance reporter Talia Jane, who tweeted that the Daily Beast's story on the dude absolutely nails the lede. Please, kids, no spoilers in the comments! If you can't resist, at least use the <spoiler> tag. [Daily Beast]
ProPublica reports that in Louisiana and elsewhere, law enforcement officers have come up with a really clever way to avoid accusations of racial bias against Hispanic drivers: They just list the drivers' race as "white" instead, making it impossible to find records of police interactions with Hispanics in records searches. As political science prof Frank Baumgartner of UNC-Chapel Hill explains, it's a seriously sleazy way to whitewash police records: "If everybody's white, there can't be any racial bias." [ProPublica]
Kurt Vonnegut's birthday was two weeks ago and I still haven't gotten around to reading this epic three-part McSweeney's interview with him from 2002. Good thing there's a holiday coming up! [Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3]
Here's an end-times preacher lady who insists she saw a space alien in her window that had taken on the form of her husband and tried to do sex with here, and she didn't fall for the scam, and when she pulled off its face she saw it was full of gargoyles, and she saw one of the gargoyles and it looked at her.
End Times preacher Sharon Gilbert says that an alien imitated her husband, and then it tried to have sex with her, and then it claimed to be Xerxes, and then Jesus got involved, and then the alien turned out to be a reptile with a posse of gargoyles.pic.twitter.com/aBqC2IMSqn— Hemant Mehta (@Hemant Mehta) 1637693843
And finally, another dog video, for which I have no context, and for which Neil Lowenthal says he wants and needs no context, because he is doing jokes, not writing news. Can't argue with that, just as this unflappable priest can't keep a puppy from being a puppy.
If I were reincarnated as a dog, it would be this dog.\n\nNot interested in the content, *very* interested in dicking around.\n\n#dogs \n#DogsofTwittter \n#boredompic.twitter.com/2bc35yeksL— Neil Lowenthal (@Neil Lowenthal) 1637341200
Hey, you, know, you don't have to spend all day online. You could probably go help get ready for tomorrow. We're not judging though. (If you're the one who's doing all the work already, go roust those layabouts off the couch, unless they're just going to make a big mess.)
Happy Thanksgiving, you!
Yr Wonkette loves you and wants you to be happy. We're also funded entirely by readers, so if you can, please help out with a monthly $5 or $10 donation?
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.