A Very Genteel And Civilized Supreme Court Confirmation Hearing Just Kidding LOL

A Very Genteel And Civilized Supreme Court Confirmation Hearing Just Kidding LOL

And we go now to the BUGFUCK INSANE Kavanaugh confirmation hearings in progress. Your tax dollars at work, kids! Let's watch the GOP jam through a Federalist Society hack, while slapping CONFIDENTIAL and EXECUTIVE PRIVILEGE on anything that might force Collins and Murkowski to admit that they're voting for a judge who is guaranteed to murder Roe v. Wade dead.

There was a nasty fucktussle this morning, and your boyfriend Cory Booker came out swinging. We'll try to get a post on that one out as we go.

Ready to get scammed? DAMN RIGHT, YOU ARE!

Follow along at home here.

11:20 HATCH: We should make it harder to convict corporate defendants and justify it by saying we're protecting the little guy, right?

KAVANAUGH: Hells yeah! Let me make ten thousand words and pretend liberal judges agree with us.

11:25 HATCH: I'm down with Jesus, and I know Jesus is your homey, too. Don't you think we should be able to be religious at work?

KAVANAUGH: Oh, yes. Jesus and I are super tight. I'll make sure courts let us bring Jesus to work EVERY DAY.

11:30 LEAHY: Fuck y'all. Don't even try to say you guys are following my precedent. I'm an old man, and I DGAF!

11:35 LEAHY: Remember all those lies you told yesterday when you said you never used MY STOLEN EMAILS during the Bush administration? Did you get any of my stolen emails in preparation for this hearing, since you're a thief and all?


11:35 LEAHY: You got documents marked HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL in 2002, and you lied about it. So are you lying now, too?

KAVANAUGH: Eh, you know. Shit gets passed around, man.

11:37 LEAHY: "I was born at night, but not last night."

11:38 LEAHY: Listen, weaselboy. You were only too happy to take stolen emails from a "mole" marked "highly confidential." And now the Moron Squad is hiding half your shit. So did you get anything stolen this go 'round?


11:41 LEAHY: Did you interview that wingnut Judge William Pryor? Because that guy's fuckin' nuts!

KAVANAUGH: No. Maybe. I don't remember?

LEAHY: Well, actually ... Here's an email where you recommended him for the 11th Circuit.

11:45 LEAHY: Did you coach other judicial nominees how to get up here and lie their asses off about Roe v. Wade?

KAVANAUGH: Well, that sounds harsh.

11:47 So, funny story. Most of Kavanaugh's Yale classmates said DO NOT CONFIRM that fascist fuckwit. But Lindsey Graham is entering into the record a different letter, from just 23 classmates saying how awesome it would be to have that fascist on SCOTUS.

11:51 GRAHAM: Remember how you worked for Ken Starr as INDEPENDENT COUNSEL and that was totally legal? That's totally different from a SPECIAL COUNSEL, like Robert Mueller, right?

KAVANAUGH: Can't talk about that, Sir. [WINK]

11:53 GRAHAM: We all know that Judge Kavanaugh will come down hard on Trump because he came down on Clinton. Check and mate, LIBS!

11:55 GRAHAM: Is there a right to abortion in Constitution?

KAVANAUGH: Is this a trap?

GRAHAM: Naw, just two white guys shootin' the shit. So, if it doesn't say "abortion" in the Constitution, y'all can just overrule Roe, right?

KAVANAUGH: What even is happening here?

Couple minutes back there, Graham made sad noises about mean Democrats besmirching the honor of this good and decent man. He's just very sad, y'all.

12:00 GRAHAM: But what even is precedent? If Democrats want to make everyone have gaybortions, they need to pass a Constitutional Amendment, right? Don't you think we should be able to vote on abortion?


12:05 GRAHAM: Civil liberties are cool and all, but have you heard about 9-11? Don't you think it would be better if we stripped civil liberties protections from Americans who side with our enemies? Why even can't we drone 'em from space?

KAVANAUGH: Roger, Wilco.

Fifteen minute recess, after Grassley bitches that it's not his fault that the Judiciary Committee didn't get to see the billion pages of documents on Kavanaugh.


Okay, while we're breaking, let's take a moment to summarize what happened this morning. Grassley and Cornyn are desperately trying to jam Kavanaugh through NOW out of fear that they'll lose the Senate in November. If the chamber is about to flip, they'll look even more like craven assholes for confirming a nominee when he clearly can't get through in January. Because ... Merrick Garland. But Trump nominated a guy with the longest paper trail ever. Not only has Kavanaugh put his name on hundreds of court decisions, he also worked in the White House prepping judicial nominees for George Bush. Which is why Mitch McConnell told President ADD to nominate someone else.

But no one kisses ass like Kavanaugh, and naturally That Idiot was delighted to give a big middle finger to McConnell. So now the Judiciary Committee has A PROBLEM. If they took the time to review Kavanaugh's massive paper trail, they'd run the risk of not having him confirmed before SCOTUS's fall term starts in October.

Also, there's the little problem of Kavanaugh having said a few embarrassing things about abortion being less than settled law and affirmative action being facially illegal. Republicans have solved this problem by labelling everything embarrassing as Committee Confidential, meaning that only Judiciary Committee members can see it. Convenient, huh?

There was CRAZINESS this morning when Cory Booker said, FUCK IT, I'M RELEASING IT. Cornyn and Grassley threatened to sanction him with potential expulsion from the Senate. At which point Senators Hirono, Blumenthal, and Coons said FUCK IT, WE'RE ALL RELEASING IT. Then Booker dared Grassley, Cornyn and Tillis to sanction them all, which would conveniently delay the hearing. At which point Mike Lee stepped in and said IT'S A MIRACLE, the Committee has just this very second decided none of those emails are confidential any more. What a coincidence!

Heres an article from the NYT interpreting the emails, and a SCRIBD for you.

Okay, back to the hearing.

12:30 DURBIN: Hey, Chuckles! Remember ten minutes ago when you said it would take "37 weeks" to review all Kavanaugh's shit? I'm entering a letter into the record FROM THE NATIONAL ARCHIVES saying they could get it done by the end of October, 'kay?

12:42 DURBIN: Look, we all know Donald Trump is a criminal nutcase.


DURBIN: And you're on record jizzing all over the dissent in Morrison v. Olson where Scalia said the President is a God Emperor ... oh, sorry "Unitary Executive." So, since you're known for granting the president unlimited power to gut the EPA, and all, HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY SIT HERE AND TELL US THAT YOU'LL REIN IN THIS LUNATIC?

KAVANAUGH: Well, the President does have almost unlimited power, because .... Constitution!

12:45 DURBIN: We're all gonna die!

KAVANAUGH: Well, not all of us.

12:49 DURBIN: Bitch, do not come in here and lie to me! Your fingerprints are all over that Torture Memo, and you're all I DON'T KNOW HER.

KAVANAUGH: Define fingerprints.

Here's what that was about --

Apparently Kavanaugh had a lot more to do with okaying torture and warrantless wiretapping than he admitted.

12:55 LEE: Let me try out my new spin, tell me what you think. The Torture Memo is SECRET, so you lying about it in your confirmation hearing is actually a virtue. EH?

KAVANAUGH: I like it!

LEE: You're an American hero, right?


1:03 LEE: It was totally unfair of that mean Senator Harris to ask you if you had talked to Trump's lawyers at Kasowitz, Benson and Torres. There are more than three hundred lawyers there! So how can you even remember if you talked about the President's case with his counsel, amirite?

KAVANAUGH: Yes, I'm totally a victim here.

LEE: So, wanna cop to having explicitly promised to rule in favor of that Orange Fatass?

KAVANAUGH: Sure don't!

1:10 LEE: You loved Independent Counsel Ken Starr, but then you turned against him.

KAVANAUGH: Yeah, harassing Monica Lewinsky was super fun. But then we realized that Republicans might get in trouble, so we repealed the Independent Counsel law.

LEE: So, it's totally different from the Special Counsel? That guy has way less power, right?

KAVANAUGH: Totally. We made sure the president could kneecap any investigator. LOL!

Oh, here comes that windbag again. Grassley's bitching again about Democrats asking for documents, whining that he had to review them. Assume Shame DEAD.


Let's eat and type! I'm having chocolate rugelach, which is totally appropriate for lunch, Mom!

Here's a fun story from the DCist LOLing at Kavanaugh pretending to be the Original Gangster from ... Bethesda, MD.

I grew up in a city plagued by gun violence and gang violence and drug violence.

Oh, yea, YOU BLEND!

Kavanaugh grew up in the fancy suburbs and went to Georgetown Prep, a school with an on-campus golf course.

On a more serious note, one of the "leaked" emails shows Kavanaugh railing against "naked racial set-asides." Hirono clashed with Kavanaugh last night over a WSJ article he wrote in 1993 ridiculing the idea that native Hawaiians should be treated as indigenous people.

Because it is NO FAIR, why do those people get to run stuff! It's not like white businessmen staged a corporate coup and stole their island or anything! In a rational world, this would give Alaskan Senator Lisa Murkowski pause, since she represents lots of indigenous people. But rationality is pretty hard to come by in Trump's America, so ...

AND WE'RE BACK! Time for Democratic Rhode Island Senator Sheldon Whitehouse, woohooo!

2:00 WHITEHOUSE: Did you leak to reporters when you were working for Ken Starr to harass that poor kid Monica?

KAVANAUGH: Can't tell ya -- pinky swore to Kenny that I'd keep that SECRET!

WHITEHOUSE: That's not a thing, fucker!

2:03 WHITEHOUSE: So, what makes you think a sitting president can't be indicted?

KAVANAUGH: Well, that's Justice Department policy.

WHITEHOUSE: Is that a law?

KAVANAUGH: It is if you work at DOJ.

WHITEHOUSE: Now you're just making shit up.


2:08 Okay, this is a stupid argument, and Whitehouse is too smart for this shit. He's trying to say that any SCOTUS appointee has to recuse from cases pertaining to the president who appointed him. Just stop, dude.

2:12 WHITEHOUSE: Here's a fun memo where you whined like a cranky toddler that the White House was being mean to Ken Starr. You still a little punk bitch?


WHITEHOUSE: Takin' that as a yes.

2:15 WHITEHOUSE: So, you look like an entitled white douchebro. Since John Roberts murdered the Voting Rights Act on the theory that racism was over, Texas and North Carolina are actively disenfranchising black people. You gonna murder Roe and say it's because women don't need abortion?

KAVANAUGH: Chill, brah!

OH, FUCK! It's Ted Cruz's turn, and he's whining that Texas NEVER discriminates against black voters. GTFOH!


Cruz and Kavanaugh are stroking each other's junk now and making words about the beauty of Constitutional "Originalism". Wouldn't it be swell if we could go back a couple hundred years before women and black people had rights? Ewwwww! Kavanaugh just warned about "inserting ourselves into the legislative process," and an aide had to rush in to wipe a puddle of little Cruzes off the table.

2:25 CRUZ: Don't you get a woody every time I say ORIGINALIST?

KAVANAUGH: Totally! So hard right now!

CRUZ: Hey, remember when Texas Senator John Cornyn argued that case on behalf of those poor, oppressed football players who wanted to pray before the game?

KAVANAUGH: It was beautiful. You're a beautiful man, Senator Cornyn. A true originalist!

Blahblah, Christians are oppressed. Yadda yadda, if we don't let kids pray in school, then the terrorists win.

2:35 CRUZ: Remember that fun dissent where you said it Priests for Life shouldn't have to provide birth control through their insurance?

KAVANAUGH: Totally. And I'd like to take this opportunity to call birth control an "abortion-inducing drug."

CRUZ: God bless you!

2:40 Elián González? We're on Elián González now?


GRASSLEY is breaking in to bitch some more about document production and pull Kavanaugh's ass out of the fire for committing 1000 perjuries about Judge William Pryor. Handing off now to Amy Klobuchar.

2:40 KLOBUCHAR: You gonna pretend that the First Amendment means that campaign finance limits are unconstitutional?

KAVANAUGH: Well, there's precedent ...

KLOBUCHAR: Are you playing games here? What's the difference between "precedent" and "settled law?"

KAVANAUGH: Games! I like basketball!

Okay, let's put jokes aside for a second. Klobuchar is working hard to highlight the fact that Kavanaugh views Brown v. Board of Education as SETTLED LAW, but Roe v. Wade is only PRECEDENT. Kavanaugh said something about "no one on the current court has weighed in on it." This is not good.

2:50 KLOBUCHAR: If Trump shoots someone in the middle of Fifth Avenue, can he be arrested for murder?

KAVANAUGH: Up to Congress!


2:55 KLOBUCHAR: You gonna murder affirmative action?

KAVANAUGH: I don't see color! JK, sharpening my knives right now. I'm GANGSTA!

2:59 KLOBUCHAR: I may be Minnesota nice, but Trump is bugfuck insane. You're not gonna change the libel laws because that old fool wants to sue reporters, are you?

KAVANAUGH: Prolly not. But there's no protection for journalist's sources in the Constitution, and I am A ORIGINALIST, so ...

Only for YOU Wonkers would I listen to Ben Fucking Sasse!

3:05 SASSE: Isn't it great to overrule bad precedents, like Plessy v. Ferguson?

KAVANAUGH: It's not overruling if you're A ORIGINALIST.

SASSE: Let me shoehorn in like fifteen unrelated sports analogies to cover up the fact that I just asked if you're going to overrule Roe v. Wade.

KAVANAUGH: The play is good.

GODDAMN YR FDF HAAAAAATES BEN SASSE! He and that Kavanaugh dick are out there trying to wear Thurgood Marshall's robes to pretend they're saving American by outlawing abortion.

3:15 SASSE: Aren't we the new civil rights movement?

KAVANAUGH: Right? It's just like we're integrating the schools!

SASSE: But with more coat hanger abortions.


SASSE: I'm just kidding! All those hysterical bitches talking about women dying must be on the rag. They'll get used to it.

3:20 SASSE: "What's the Declaration of Independence?"

KAVANAUGH: Thanks, glad to waste ten minutes. Almost running out the clock here!

On to Chris Coons, Democrat from Delaware. THANK GOD!

3:26 COONS: You gonna let Trump fire Mueller, or what?

KAVANAUGH: Balls 'n' strikes, dude.

COONS: What even ....?

KAVANAUGH: Well, Nixon was a Bad Hombre. But Trump is a Very Stable Genius. So...

Legal aside: Coons and other Democratic Senators are trying to get Kavanaugh to say that US v. Nixon, which forced Nixon to turn over his tapes, is precedent requiring Trump to cooperate with Mueller. Kavanaugh is making a ton of wiggle room for himself by differentiating between the Independent Counsel statute -- which covered Ken Starr -- and the Special Counsel law which appointed Robert Mueller.

Another Legal Aside: Coons is pressing Kavanaugh on a recent dissent where he said that having a leader of the CFPB who could only be fired for cause was unconstitutional because it abridged the basically unlimited powers of the president. Coons is trying to get him to admit that, if confirmed, Kavanaugh is going to find it illegal for Congress to protect Mueller from being fired on the president's whim. Kavanaugh is trying to slip around it, but isn't contradicting Coons.

3:46 COONS: You think the president is a God King?

KAVANAUGH: Well, not a God exactly. But definitely a king! Why you think I'm here, bruh?

Okay, they are breaking. And I, your FDF, am going to go pick up my kids and try to get the sound of that sumbitch BEN FUCKING SASSE'S smarmy voice out of my ears. Flake is up next, and Harris will be soon. We'll hit the highlights for you in the morning. Keep the faith!

UPDATE: Here's the CFPB case Coons was referring to, PHH v. Consumer Financial Protection Bureau. Kavanaugh's dissents, saying that it's illegal to proscribe the president's power with a rule requiring him to fire employees for cause, p. 174.

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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