Donald Trump wants to teach American children to love America but not most Americans, especially those in “blue states." It's not clear if such classes as George Washington's Cherry Tree 101 will include any basic instruction in the Constitution, but if so, someone should sign up Senator Marsha Blackburn of Tennessee for a refresher course.

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Yeah, that's right. Blackburn isn't going to let you reboot the Constitution with an all-LGBTQ cast or some other woke shit. The Constitution is perfect, like The Great Gatsby, whose SparkNotes the senator got halfway through the night before her English Lit exam. America should function according to the Old Testament Constitution before socialist Jesus fiddled around with it.


Fortunately for Blackburn, she's an idiot. If the Constitution had never been changed, then next year, Vice President Grand Moff Kamala Harris could order Blackburn sentenced to two years hard labor in Reading Gaol because she doesn't like what she says on Fox News. You see, America's already revised the Constitution a bunch of times. That's what the 27 amendments are.

The Constitution is a work in progress. After it was signed in 1797, it was altered two years later to address objections raised by the anti-Federalists, who believed the document needed a Bill of Rights. Alexander Hamilton thought the Constitution was fine as is, demonstrating the judgment that would eventually result in his placing second in a duel.

The Bill of Rights, which James Madison wrote, gave us the invaluable First Amendment, the school-shooting-enabling Second Amendment, the weirdly prioritized Third Amendment ... and the rest. Blackburn's a Trump loyalist so she should appreciate how important the Fifth Amendment's protections against self-incrimination were for his 2016 campaign staff.

I'm able to vote and own property because of the 13th, 14th, and 15th Amendments. The federal income tax exists because of the 16th Amendment. Blackburn's a Republican, so I get those aren't selling points for her personally. But I assume she's at least voted for herself and the 19th Amendment fully enfranchised Women-Brained Americans.

Here she is pitching the children's book she co-wrote with her daughter, Mary Morgan Ketchel, that celebrates the edits suffragists made to the Constitution.

Like most conservatives, Blackburn is usually fine with social justice changes that occurred in the past, especially if they directly benefit her. However, she's staunchly opposed to any changes to the social order of the current day. As a House representative, she co-sponsored a constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage. She also co-sponsored an amendment making it illegal to “desecrate the flag," because she doesn't understand how the First Amendment works.

Law and Crime notes that Thomas Jefferson suggested amending the Constitution every generation or so. Blackburn should consider reading Jefferson's writings and not listening to The Art of the Deal on Audible.

[Twitter / Law and Crime]

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).

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