Shutdown, Week Two: Wingnut Civil Disobedience Reaches Peak Hilarity
Hello patriots! (Yes we know you are libtards and thus by definition you hate America -- it’s called irony, people.) Welcome to week two of SHUTDOWNGHAZI!!!11!! Which is the defensive measure by which the GOP will protect us from the Dread Tyrant Obama, who is the greatest threat to democracy since the Battle of Aegospotami. Luckily there are plenty of brave freedom fighters amongst the citizenry and their representatives in the Wacko Bird caucus who are ready and willing to fight rearguard actions against the regime in order to ensure our freedoms. As a public service, we present this guide to both ongoing and future acts of civil disobedience that you can join in if you value your God-given rights in The Greatest Country in the History of Ever.
- Hashtags – The first step for any strong resistance movement is winning the social media war. If the Jews in the Warsaw Ghetto had thought to slap hashtags across Twitter, World War II might have ended before the Nazis took all of Poland. This weekend saw the birth of #PresidentStompyFoot and #SpiteHouse. Clever! Tweet those at your followers and watch the president cave in faster than a Chilean copper mine!
- Storm the national parks. - Have you ever seen a national park? They’re huge and have lots of hiding places, and Obama’s shock troops certainly can’t hunt down everyone who wants to hike in one! Governor Scott Walker got the ball rolling last week in Wisconsin when he refused to shut down state parks that get funding from the federal government. Then over the weekend other patriots defied the administration by ignoring the “Closed” signs at, among other places, Zion National Park in Utah and Badlands National Park in South Dakota. Nice job, freedom fighters! Of course, any rangers undertaking search-and-rescue operations for you if you get lost in the woods won’t get paid for risking their lives to save your fat asses or putting out any fires you start, and someone is going to have to not get paid to come out and reset those traffic cones, empty the trash and vault toilets at campsites, sweep up the cigarette butts you drop in the parking lots, and so forth. But that’s not your problem! If those people don’t want to get paid to do their jobs, they should just find other jobs! Now everyone over the #Barrycades!
- The Million Vet March – Cool, a throwback to the Tea Party rallies of yesteryear, when lots of fat white people would roll onto the National Mall in their Hoverrounds and yell a lot so that everyone would know just how mad they were that the guy they didn’t vote for won the 2008 election and seemed to think that entitled him to attempt to pass bills using his party’s legislative majority. Good times, people. The march is set for Sunday, October 13. We sure hope the elder vets who rely on Meals on Wheels and other food programs to meet basic nutritional needs won’t be too weakened by hunger since those programs were shut down for lack of federal funding. Oh well, those vets hung on during the Bataan Death March, we’re sure they can hang on for this equally important battle to make sure poor people don’t have access to affordable health insurance.
- If marching with a bunch of veterans is not your cup of powdered K-ration coffee, perhaps you might consider supporting Wonkette favorite Sad Lee Stranahan and his plan to OccupyJefferson to protest the “Democrat budget games.” Sad Lee would like you to know that unlike those dirty filth mills that popped up during the brief but fiery reign of Occupy Wall Street, OccupyJefferson will not involve camping out because these protests are for people who have lives and jobs. No, Sad Lee just wants a hundred people to show up at the Jefferson Memorial early in the morning and again in the early evening starting on Tuesday and going forward to build momentum for something or other. We think this misses the whole point of an Occupy protest maybe? Like, you’re not really committing yourself to a cause, you’re just a bunch of angry people yelling for some TV cameras?
(Also if your goal is to manipulate the media because it’s so easy to do, maybe don’t post videos online ahead of time in which you spell out your diabolical plan? Sad Lee, have you never seen a James Bond movie?)
But what do we know, we’re not the genius mind behind the transformative online event that was Blogging About Pigford Day. So if you can turn out to help Sad Lee reach his goal of having a hundred human souls stand around the Jefferson Memorial yelling nonsense, sign up at the Facebook page!
And if you can’t make it, Sad Lee would like to know if you have any spare change.