Do Banks Fail Because They're Too Nice To Gays? Is That How The Financial System Works?

Unfortunately we have to spend another day mocking this "woke bank" shit, because Fox News and Republicans are still claiming Silicon Valley Bank collapsed because it was "woke."

OH NO MOCKING! What Caused The SVB Collapse? Could It Be ... WOKENESS?

Is that a thing? Is that a reason banks fail? Is there some kind of economic principle that says if you are too nice to gays, if you display your pronouns in your email signature, that your bank will fail? And was this bank even a known purveyor of pronouns?

Jesse Watters, your turn:

WATTERS: So this stupid bank in California didn’t see inflation coming. They’re about as smart as the Fed Chair. So when the Fed Chair finally raised rates, the bank got crushed. Well, why weren’t they paying attention? Silicon Valley Bank is a woke Biden bank. They were holding seminars on Lesbian Visibility Day and National Pride Month. Now, if you want to hold a pride month, that’s fine, but you’ve got to be able to chew gum at the same time and walk. So, keep an eye on the balance sheet, guys.

Hate it when banks forget to look at the balance sheet because they're too busy doing "Free Car Washes For Subaru Outbacks Only" day in the parking lot.

Watters was far from the only one.

Last night Tucker the Bank Expert said "one of the main reasons our big banks are now increasingly incompetent and also one of the reasons Americans are so divided by race" is because Barack Obama forced them to do diversity, equity and inclusion standards. (Ahem, no. But as we all know, Tucker doesn't like it when there aren't as many white men in positions of power as he thinks there should be. So he says things like that.)

Some Fox Business anchor yesterday said this was "the first bank failure that was caused by adherence to woke beliefs and policies." (So don't go looking for it in any economics textbooks!) He said specifically it was "the woke belief that you can just print money without consequence." So that was kind of a remix of the "woke" hit single, tailored for the very business-minded Fox Business viewing audience.

Did this happen because of "cultural and economic Marxism"? Or "Woke DEI, ESG, all of these things, social justice?" Was it "this long march of socialists through our institutions over many decades?" Noted dumbfuck Monica Crowley said last night that it was.

Hate the "cultural Marxism" of banks fucking up and the federal government saving them, but notably not by using taxpayer money.

Anyway, we are sure all the remaining solvent banks will appreciate this free banking advice from Jesse Watters and other Fox News idiots. And Lauren Boebert. And GOP Rep. James Comer.

Comer was still huffing his "woke bank" shit all over the TV last night.

When we say there are literally no sentences in that clip that have anything to do with what happened with Silicon Valley Bank, we are not exaggerating. He babbles about "Green New Deal." He babbles about how this somehow had to do with giving loans to "people who check a box on a liberal wish list." The Silicon Valley Bank did not collapse because of loans. Indeed, a big component of why it collapsed is because of a lack of loans.

Want somebody to explain that to you? Let them! This is an explainable event. Many smart people are explaining it. It's literally all about a bank that serves a particular industry — very un-diversity, in that way! — and got ahead of its skis and read the financial room incorrectly, and it's pretty particular to that bank. (Similarly, Signature Bank, the crypto bro bank that collapsed this weekend, also failed for reasons very particular to that bank.)

Instead, Fox News and Republicans know with 100 percent certainty that their constituents are stupid enough to believe this is happening because of Lesbian Visibility Day, so they are lying to them. How do we know that? Because we know the things Fox News people admit in text messages and emails they don't anticipate the public reading, where they talk about lying.

As for the elected Republicans, it sounds like at least one (1) House Republican is at least trying to encourage members not to just fucking make shit up.

We'll see if anybody listens to him haha JK.

Tech reporter, Silicon Valley whisperer, and all around cool person Kara Swisher was on MSNBC with Stephanie Ruhle last night and she was just as exasperated with all this halfwit Republican garbage as the rest of us. They talked about how the 2008 financial crisis was done by white guys, and how James Comer is "completely ignorant." She said Silicon Valley Bank specifically was a "joke in the valley" for a long time for how much it was just all dudes running it. "There was nothing 'woke' about this bank."

She was probably right when she said we will next be angry about "woke pancakes." We've already been listening to Tucker bitch about woke M&Ms.

Everything is far too stupid now. This country is not going to survive at this rate, we are guessing.

Oh well. Good try, everyone.

[Media Matters]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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