It's nigh the end of October, and before we know it, you'll be sitting down to eat green bean casserole and fried turkey (yes, fried if you know what is good for you) and drink one hundred bottles of wine with your family, including your dumbass Fox News-obsessed Uncle Walter, who will go on and on to the point that you become viciously angry with the rest of your family for leaving you there so long with Uncle Walter.

Uncle Walter - Ben Folds Five

And surprise, your Uncle Walter is going to be saying a lot of #WrongShit about the impeachment of Donald Trump, which despite what you might be hearing in the news, will most likely not have moved to the Senate at that point. So in light of the fact that it is decorative gourd season, motherfuckers, and since we are only 24 hours removed from Matt Gaetz and pals leaving skidmarks and pizza crusts all over the impeachment inquiry in the House, we thought it might be a nice time to briefly tick through six very stupid things your idiot right-wing Uncle Walter thinks about impeachment, and why he is


Feel free to store these as ammunition. Or just throw turkey legs at your right-wing Uncle Walter's face instead, we don't care.

SECTION ONE: The Crimening!

1. Everybody Does Quid Pro Quos In Foreign Policy! They Are The Hottest Thing, Quid Pro Quos!

Here is a stupid idiot on Fox News saying "all this discussion of quid pro quo is really misleading, because all foreign relations is quid pro quo" and it is a "staple of all negotiations."

Yes, well, this is true, sort of, except for go fuck yourself.

Absolutely in the course of normal foreign policy, there are deals made and quids exchanged for quos when one country wants one thing that is in that country's interest and another country wants another thing that is in that country's interest, and they make a deal and say "We will do that thing if you do this other thing." Hooray!

However, nothing in the Trump Ukraine scandal involves America getting anything for America. Ukraine is over here desperately needing continued military aid and support for its war against Russia, which invaded in 2014 and has been occupying the Crimean peninsula ever since. Meanwhile Donald Trump wants things that are for his benefit, not America's benefit. Trump was demanding, in exchange for already-appropriated military aid and the honor of a White House visit, that the president of Ukraine announce fake investigations on CNN into his political rivals, in order to help him win re-election in 2020, and to re-write the narrative of the 2016 election, thereby legitimizing his presidency and absolving our adversary Russia of guilt.

Sure, your right-wing Uncle Walter might think it is in the best interests of the country for Trump to be re-elected, but that's his opinion, because he is dumb. Clearly it's in America's best interests to kick the motherfucker out of the White House and lead him away in chains.

But that's politics. It would be bad if Joe Biden or Bernie Sanders were offering another nation all the butterscotches in their pockets to gin up fake evidence about Trump. It's worse because Trump is abusing his power as head of state to help himself politically.


That said, the existence or non-existence of a quid pro quo is not actually the point here. Trump has wailed this week that there isn't a quid pro quo, because Ukraine didn't know he was withholding the military aid (yes there was, and yes they did), and Mick Mulvaney said there totally was a quid pro quo last week, until he changed his mind about that 15 minutes later after everyone realized he had confessed to extortion on behalf of the president.

But we have said this a THOUSAND times, and we will have to say it a THOUSAND more, that the central crime here is Donald Trump demanding Ukraine contribute to his re-election campaign by announcing investigations into the Bidens and the 2016 conspiracy theories that make Trump's butt itch.

Back in the summer, Trump admitted -- while this Ukraine scheme was going on, we just didn't know it yet -- to George Stephanopoulos that if a foreign country has dirt on his opponents, then hell yeah he wants it!

In response, the exasperated chair of the FEC explained what is the law for the dumb kids in the back:

Got it? There was a quid pro quo, but it actually doesn't fucking matter, because THAT IS THE LAW RIGHT THERE. The fact that Trump added more crimes like cherries on top is just gravy.

(Yes, it's giblet gravy on top of cherries that are on top of the real turkey, which is the central crime. Maybe you can use the food on the Thanksgiving table as a visual aid! Remember to save the turkey legs to throw at Uncle Walter's face.)

3. Trump TOO STUPID To Know Crimes He's Committing, So They DON'T COUNT!


But yes, the Wall Street Journal is saying in an editorial today that Trump may have been too "inept" to pull off his Ukraine scheme, which means it doesn't count, and that is also why nobody goes to prison for attempted murder if the court determines the perp was just too much of a dumbshit to properly kill his victim all the way dead.

It was mildly funny when Robert Mueller decided not to bring charges against Donald Trump Jr. for conspiring with Russians during the 2016 campaign because he determined Junior was simply too stupid to be indicted. It's not cute anymore, it's 2019, not 2016, and we are talking about the president of the United States, not his uncomfortable-faced failson.

SECTION TWO: Let's Whine About PROCESSSSSSS, Because We Ain't Got Shit Else To Say In Defense Of President Treason McYapfuck!

All of the preceding section notwithstanding, you might have noticed that congressional Republicans and Fox News idiots actually don't want to talk too much about what Trump did or did not do with Ukraine, because of how what Trump clearly did is clearly indefensible. Instead, they want to bitch and moan and whine and shit their pants about process.

That's what Matt Gaetz and the walking anal glands on the Freedom Caucus were bellyaching about yesterday as they rubbed pizza crusts in their armpits and stuck them under the desktops in the congressional SCIF like wadded up bubble gum.

Proceesssssssssssss! It's all they got. And they're mad they're being deprived of the opportunity to turn hearings in the impeachment inquiry into a total shitshow to impress Big Treason in the White House.

So the next three things on our list of things your dumbass Uncle Walter doesn't quite understand about impeachment are about the bad-faith complaints these dumb frumpy shitmouths have about the process of how the impeachment inquiry is playing out. Of course, we are copy/pasting ourselves here because ADAM SCHIFF FUCKING EXPLAINED THIS LAST WEEK IN A LETTER HE WROTE TO EVERY SINGLE GODDAMNED ONE OF HIS COLLEAGUES.

4. WAAAAAAAAAH! The Republicans Aren't Even Allowed In The Room When The Democrats Are Questioning Witnesses! WAAAAAAAAAH!

Pop quiz, do you know how many of Matt Gaetz's Squad Of Dumbfucks actually sit on the committees leading the impeachment inquiry? We don't know either because we haven't counted, but it's a good number of 'em!

This is relevant because as Schiff explained in his letter, everyone who sits on those committees, yes even the Republicans, has equal time and representation to question witnesses. This counts for members and staff and counsel for both sides. Not equally represented? Republicans who aren't on those committees. Also Democrats who aren't on those committees!

For the record, here is a list of all the people allowed to go to these depositions who have R's next to their names. There are 48 of them:

5. WAAAAAAAAH! They Shouldn't Be Behind Closed Doors Anyway! What Are They Hiding? WAAAAAAAAH!

Yes, they should be behind closed doors right now. As Schiff explained in his letter, these depositions are behind closed doors for now for two reasons: 1) because they didn't have the benefit of an Impeachment Road Map handed to them by a special counsel like they had in the Clinton and Nixon impeachments, therefore they have to do this initial investigation themselves; and 2) they don't want witnesses comparing notes on their testimonies and trying to get their cover stories straight. This has already had the result of Trump idiot EU Ambassador Gordon Sondland LOOKS LIKE MAYBE falling into the idiot trap and lying to Congress, after Ambassador Bill Taylor's testimony backed a Mack truck up all over Sondland's testimony.

And no, it's not against the rules. Here, let FOX NEWS JUDGE Andrew Napolitano explain how they are abiding by the rules passed and signed in 2015 by then-House Speaker (Republican) John Boehner:

That said, Adam Schiff has said the hearings will go public when Adam Schiff decides he's good and ready so CALM YOUR FUCKING BALLS.

6. WAAAAAAAAAAH! Trump Is Not Getting Due Process And Can't Call Witnesses To TOTALLY EXONERATE Him And WAAAAAaaaaaaaHh1hHH1Hhh1hh1h1hGHAZI1!11!!!

That's. Not. How. The fuck. This. Works.

What's happening right now is an impeachment inquiry to determine if the House Judiciary Committee should approve articles of impeachment, and which ones, to send them to the full House for a vote. This is not the trial portion of impeachment. That happens in the Senate, where Trump will get all those things and his idiot lawyer can argue that Trump can shoot babies in the middle of Fifth Avenue and the cops aren't even allowed to stop him, and moreover that Congress has no power, does not exist, and is in fact a figment of your imagination.

What's happening right now is more like a grand jury situation where they are collecting evidence from witnesses. These are not even the House Judiciary Committee's official impeachment hearings, which yes, will be televised.

Here, let FOX NEWS JUDGE Andrew Napolitano explain how they are abiding by the rules on this part too, DID YOU SEE THIS ON FOX NEWS, UNCLE WALTER YOU DUMBFUCK? DID YOU SEE IT?

We are certain there are far more than six things your right-wing Uncle Walter doesn't understand about impeachment, because of how he is very stupid and secretly wishes Sean Hannity was his firstborn son.

But if you make it through all of these and Uncle Walter is still being an idiot, remember what we said about throwing a turkey leg at his face?

Do it.


[videos via Bobby Lewis on Tweeter]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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