Right on the heels of this week's online Democratic Convention, the GOP will hold its Festival of Trumpiness next week, online, and also in Charlotte, Jacksonville, and DC. In an early tease, some names of speakers have leaked! Get ready for a full on Culture Wars/Media Victim menu, because the speakers will include some great Culture War heroes of the Trump Era, like Nick Sandmann, that kid who sneered at Native American drummer Nathan Phillips on the National Mall and then successfully sued CNN for libel, because the drummer got in his face, not the other way around. Also on the list are Mark and Patricia McCloskey, the St. Louis lawyer couple who "protected" their tacky mansion by pointing guns at Black Lives Matter protesters who walked down the street looking menacingly Black.

Other speakers, USA Today says, will include Andrew Pollack, the father of one of the kids murdered at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High in Parkland, Florida, in 2018, who weirdly became a pro-gun activist (people grieve in their own ways), and anti-abortion activist Abby Johnson, the former Planned Parenthood clinic worker who got a lie-filled movie made about her.

The full speaker list has yet to be released, because it's secret, but we bet we can take some guesses at who'll be there, like Don Junior, maybe coked to the gills and just screaming incoherently.

Who else might Trump want onstage to speak on his behalf? We'd like to offer some suggestions!


Eddie Gallagher: The former Marine, whom Trump pardoned for the one war-crimes count he was convicted of in a court martial, would surely be a big hit for the Fox News crowd. He could tell America how he bravely didn't actually murder any captured prisoners, just posed for a trophy photo with the body, and explain that Donald Trump supports the Troops, at least when they aren't too hung up on honoring their oaths to the Constitution. Perhaps to add to the fun, Gallagher could shoot someone on live TV, and Trump could pardon him right there!

Roger Stone: You might think the ratfucker with the Nixon tattoo would want to keep a low profile after Trump commuted his sentence, but that would be a very silly thing to think of a guy who loves burnishing his own reputation as an asshole. Stone could be invited to do some feats of magic, like inflating a hot air balloon with his own ego and floating off to the Land of Oz in it.

Dinesh D'Souza: He'll just stare at the screen and say "Thighland" over and over, looking constipated.

Frederick Douglass: We've noticed that the great abolitionist and fighter for civil rights "is an example of somebody who has done an amazing job that is being recognized more and more," so the fact that he died in 1895 shouldn't prevent him from speaking in favor of Trump, who has done more for African Americans than any president ever, maybe including Lincoln. Douglass could probably be channeled by Candace Owens on a Zoom call, and who knows, maybe she could explain once more how Adolf Hitler's only crime was globalism.

Douglass's appearance could be followed by the only guest speaker we're stealing from Twitter; Wonkette alum Gary Legum suggested the convention be addressed by "a sentient Confederate flag screaming racist epithets."

Ben Shapiro: Just in case any undecided voters haven't been completely repulsed by the GOP, this smarmy little shit ought to do the job.

The Florida Golf Cart Guy Shouting "White Power!": Trump may have deleted the video, but you have to figure the poor guy screaming "White Power!" as part of a golf cart parade at The Villages wants a chance to clear his name by explaining he wasn't listening either.

An Actual Aborted Fetus: We figure Mike Pence could pretend it's talking to him. Sure to be as good as Clint Eastwood yelling at an empty chair eight years ago.

Dr. Demon Semen: Dr. Stella Immanuel, the hydroxychloroquine aficionado who says disease is caused by people having sex with demons in their sleep, definitely needs a chance to get her message out, especially since Twitter won't let you learn the truth.

Q: What if Trump unveiled the actual White House Insider who has been revealing Trump's brave actions to save the mole children and execute John McCain? Wouldn't that be something? We bet that will probably happen! And maybe it'll turn out to be the My Pillow guy!

John Kasich: Dude just really likes being on TV.

Derek Chauvin: The Democrats invited George Floyd's family to speak, so this is just for balance.

Melania's Hellspawn Christmas Trees: They will chant something unearthly; viewers won't remember what it was but will later find they've already voted for Trump.

The New Head of Trump's Coronavirus Response, Dr. Harold Crazypants Bornstein: He'll show up, say America is now completely free of coronavirus, and then go and try to communicate with the alien entity captured on Independence Day.


[USA Today]

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Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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