Salutations! It's time again for the Snake Oil Bulletin, a weekly compendium of the best in flim flam, phooey, and assorted nonsense. Are you ready to explore the mad mad mad mad world of anti-vaxxers? Of course you are, because you're a glutton for punishment and know this won't end well.
Anti-vaxxers convinced Mark Zuckerberg lied about vaccinating baby, because Evulz
If you existed on Facebook last week, you probably noticed the adorable picture above floating around your newsfeed in between porn spambots and racist dogwhistles from your father-in-law.
Here we see Mark Zuckerberg, Facebook founder, with his tiny baby human that he and his wife, Dr. Priscilla Chan, made all by themselves! The picture created a considerable stir on the MySpace because, aside from baby Maxima's adorable onesie (seriously, do they make that in adult sizes?), Zuckerberg used the opportunity to announce that Max was officially old enough to get her first round of vaccines. Dr. Chan is a pediatrician, and the couple has made increasing access to vaccines a major goal of their Chan-Zuckerberg Initiative. The picture has been liked about 3 million times as of this post but you wouldn't know it from checking the comment section.
Smelling blood like a group of pro-disease sharks, the anti-vaccine brigades descended upon this delightful family photo. Besides heaping upon Zuck the bargain bin level of crazy you expect on any Facebook thread lasting longer than ten replies, the anti-vaxxers accused Zuckerberg of using the multi-billion-dollar social networking site that he created to promote something he agrees with. That monster!
The anti crowd accused Zuckerberg of being a shill for Big Everything, from Big Vaccine to Big Pharma to probably Big Hero 6. Naturally all of them had "done their own research," which is why they were all qualified to make medical statements like this:
With her fears of "foreign DNA," you have to wonder how Colleen reacted the first time her middle school boyfriend tried to kiss her. Hell, you have to wonder if she refused to give her babby breast milk for fear of "contamination."
With all this outrage at mega-monster lizard person Mark Zuckerberg, did the anti-vaxxers ever once think to protest by permanently leaving his evil social media and geoengineering site? Of course not, because impotent conspiracy rage doesn't sound half as good coming from Friendster.
While most of the comments simply accused Zuckerberg of being wrong or some sort of Berg Phermer shill, some more hilarious outliers accused Zuckerberg of faking the Facebook post altogether. Consider TruthKings.com, apparently run by the aptly named Gary TruthKings. Gary took particular issue with Mark's vaccine post, not just because Zuckerberg is killing children, but rather because Mark Zuckerberg is pulling a long con in order to kill other people's children.
Gary starts with the standard shill accusations:
Zuckerberg’s post is a slight to those who have suffered vaccination injuries everywhere. It’s an ad for pharmaceutical companies who need little more in the way of ad marketing. Facebook is the biggest stage we have and now vaccines have the biggest voice on that stage.
But follows it up with some masterful JAQing off:
But a question still looms: Did Zuckerberg actually follow through with his daughter’s vaccinations? This picture merely shows a Doctor’s waiting room, not the vaccination needles going into the child. Why not post the images of the needles actually going into the child? That would be more honest, more compelling, than a mere picture of Zuckerberg in some sort of waiting room. Did he delay vaccines? Again, which vaccines did the child get (if any)? Zuckerberg could be delaying vaccines as much as he could be skipping them all together. This post looks much like government propaganda. The headlines all over the web boast Zuckerberg’s child gets vaccinated, but really we see no proof. We only see this vague post.
Zuckerberg has almost no incentive to vaccinate his child. Even if he believes vaccines are effective and that barely any risks are associated, he is in the privileged position to at least hold off on the schedule. His daughter is ultimately protected by his wealth and fortune.
Yeah no. It doesn't matter how many billions line that baby's crib. She is still at risk for hepatitis and rotavirus. Did anti-vaxxers see the South Park where Magic Johnson cures AIDS by literally injecting shredded money into his blood stream and think it was a news report?
It is hard to imagine this post by him is anything less than total propaganda from big pharma. I know my post is going to strike many as “conspiracy theory” driven, but there is evidence to support the claim as I’ve noted. The wealthy and elite are commonly not vaccinating their children.
Ooh, yes. Let's see that evidence!
...Wait, that's it? The article ends there? "There is evidence. The end."
The comments are just as bad, with intellectual juggernauts demanding not only photographic evidence of the needle entering the child's body, but also VIDEO evidence because any (imaginary) photographic evidence is probably photoshopped anyway. They are preemptively dismissing evidence that doesn't exist.
There's also some scrumptious anti-Semitism thrown into the mix, accusing Zuckerberg of purposely deceiving gentiles to kill them off with vaccines, because apparently this was in the monthly Jewish newsletter or something. It probably also came with a lovely rugelach recipe from your Aunt Linda whom it wouldn't kill you to call once in a while, now would it?
Yet perhaps the most succinct demonstration of the anti-vaccine idiocy came courtesy of Refutations to Anti-Vaccine Memes, who posted this collage of concerned parents pleasantly hoping that Mark Zuckerberg's baby dies:
It's okay though: they're just protecting the children.
Herbs don't go in your bajingo
Mom, have you ever had that not-so-fresh feeling? That is just one of the many questions you might have after this next story, because we have a feeling that if Yr Volpe had a uterus this next story would make it retreat up into our throat.
Sometimes our sexual bits and pieces can feel a little out of whack. When those sensitive times strike, the lovely people at Embrace Pangaea are here for you. For a low-low price between $15 and $75, these fine fallopian fighters will ship you your own personal Herbal Womb Detox Pearl. What the chakric bullcrap is that, you may ask?
It's a mesh bag of dirt to shove up your vagina. For detox.
According to the product description, the "pearls" are made of "ancient herbs that are effective at cleansing the womb" that claim to treat bacteria vaginosis, foul odor, yeast infections, endometriosis, and fibroids. The ingredient list reads more like a potion brew than anything, with special care made to mention what year these herbs were first used by various medieval witch doctors. Oh look! There's a demonstration video, and not the kind with red hot hippie vageen, you big pervs:
The website also offers pearl packages that can top $480.00, which is impressively expensive for an herbal tea bag. It's even more impressive that they can fit such a huge disclaimer on such a tiny package. Our favorite part is the exhortation for buyers to "conduct their own research" first, with a line two sentences later that they should also maybe consult a physician or pharmacist about shoving leaves and sticks up their cooch. And you know they're safe when the disclaimer explicitly says "Embrace Pangaea assumes no liability for inaccuracies, misstatements, or defects with the product."
It should probably go without saying, but DON'T FUCKING DO THIS, and especially don't follow these instructions that tell you to leave the stink bag in your silk purse for THREE DAYS. If you don't believe us, listen to this smart person, Dr. Jen Gunter, actual OB/GYN. She's seen more snatch than you even knew existed, and she says this is a load of dangerous bunk. Your vageen does not need to detox. It is a self-cleaning device.
The testimonials of clients saying they removed "toxins" from their vaginas are actually, according to Dr. Jen, a sign that their vaginas are now being irritated by whatever twigs they're shoving inside, and may even be a sign that they now have an infection. There's also the risk of toxic shock syndrome, because while your vagina can enjoy visitors for a little while, no house guest should stay as long as three days.
Don't stick dirt in your cooch. In fact, leave your cooch alone in general, lest you turn into the people in our final story.
Don't use your menses for lipstick for the love of Gaia
If you thought our last story was gross, then pucker up. Natural loons are now recommending menstrual blood as a lipstick.
If the use of "moon blood" didn't gag you from the get-go, then you'd fit right in with Love That Yoni, a Facebook community centered around womb woo (or "woomb" if you will). It's your standard collection of inspirational vagina quotes and various chakric nonsense. Mostly harmless stuff really, right up until the post in question when the page went off the rails. Gawkers descended on the page, begging to know why in Pangaea you would put menstrual blood on your face.
Do we really need to explain why this is a bad idea? Do you want a staph infection? Because this is how you get a staph infection. We don't even need to link to a Gyno over this. Stop using your body fluids as beauty aids, like sperm for your facial mask. Your body is trying to push out this stuff for a reason. LISTEN TO IT.
Flotsam, Jetsam, and Hokum
- Come read all the latest and greatest in corporate douchebaggery. It won't make your blood boil so much as make your blood slowly seep poison into drinking water. Oh wait, that was DuPont.
- Come get your delicious, crispy babby bacon, you godless heathen!
- Did you follow the Presidential State of the Jesus Christ People Calm the Fuck Down Already? No? Well come follow it with us. We brought booze.
- Speaking of booze, Donald Trump and Ted Cruz got all wee-wee'd up at each other. Take all the shots and break your television.
- The state of the Glorious People's Republic of Wonkette is Strong and Robust! Look at all our beautiful peeps and check when the Wonk Fargo Wagon will come trundling through your town!
[Truth Kings / Daily Mail / Dr. Jen Gunter / Embrace Pangaea / Love That Yoni]
