So Sad! Poor Tucker Carlson Can't Go To Restaurants Because He's A Jerk
In a truly heartrending interview on a National Review podcast, Tucker Carlson reveals that the political climate has become so very toxic and nasty that he is unable to go to restaurants anymore without people yelling obscenities at him. In other news, the people Tucker Carlson enthusiastically supports are planning to begin separating migrants and asylum seekers from their children again, and hosts on his own network complained that Lesley Stahl asked Donald Trump too many questions in an interview, because interviewers are supposed to listen to The President, not "pepper him with questions." Oh, yes, and just a few days ago, Tucker Carlson himself explained on the air that Planned Parenthood does "human sacrifice rituals," but that was only an amusing joke tied to those witches who are hexing Brett Kavanaugh, so that wasn't uncivil, it was funny.
Carlson described his plight to National Review's Jamie Weinstein in an interview to promote Carlson's latest book-shaped object, and it's really easy not to sympathize with the poor guy:
"I can't really go to a lot of restaurants anymore because I get yelled at," he said [...] "I don't feel threatened, but having someone scream, 'Fuck you!' at a restaurant, it just wrecks your meal."
Carlson said he only goes to one restaurant these days. "I go there because I love it and nobody hassles me," he said. "I can't wait for this revolution to end, so I can go back out to dinner." (He's known to be a regular at The Palm, a steak house.)
Wow, that's some tough times. Hey, you know who else is having tough times? The 4,100 people dropped from Medicaid in Arkansas last month because they didn't meet Arkansas's stringent new work requirements, although we expect someone on Fox -- maybe Tucker himself -- to smile and say that's really proof that lazy takers are finally being forced to be responsible for themselves. Another 4,800 are expected to lose coverage next month, although if they scraped up enough money to go to a fancy restaurant, nobody would recognize them and yell "Fuck you!" at them.
Oh, did we mention that Carlson's new dumb book is about "how America's ruling class has failed everyday Americans"? But by "everyday" Americans, he means Fox viewers, not people who qualify for Medicaid, because we're sure there's no overlap there.
In any case, it sure is a shame that Tucker Carlson cannot enjoy a meal in peace. We wonder if it has anything do do with his on-air performance, where he simply asks whether we "need" diversity, complains that Messicans are the REAL "foreign hackers" because they come here and have too many babies, warns about the Gypsies coming to despoil America, and most recently has fretted that liberals are coming for you with machetes just like in Rwanda, because they are Hootoos and you are white people.
Oh, and it might be a little relevant to consider another reason Tucker Carlson is hesitant to go out to restaurants: A few years back -- in 2007 -- Carlson bragged about the time when he was in high school and he says some gay guy tried to sex him in a Georgetown restaurant men's room. So naturally enough he and a friend went back, found the guy, and -- well, in his own words,
I went back with someone I knew and grabbed the guy by the -- you know, and grabbed him, and -- and -- [...] Hit him against the stall with his head, actually! [laughter]
To be fair, Carlson later issued a statement insisting that no, smashing a guy's head into a wall isn't gay-bashing, and actually he and his friend merely "seized the man and held him until a security guard arrived," which either means he's lying about that second version or lied about a revenge assault that never happened. Guy's a one man Restroom Rashomon! Someone really should ask him if anything he says he saw in a restaurant ever really happened, just to get a third or fourth version.
In any case, why can't we have some fucking civility in this country so Tucker Carlson can dine in peace? And why doesn't Tucker Carlson try eating at restaurants where average Trump voters would welcome him? His favorite steakhouse, where a "Prime Double-Cut New York Strip" will set you back 99 bucks (but you can get a filet mignon for just $55) sounds like the sort of place where out of touch elites are more likely to hang out.
But the interview wasn't all about restaurants! Carlson also explained that Donald Trump "is really, really funny [...] And probably like about 20 percent of what Trump says he says because it amuses him." So who knows, that could be how we got the family separation policy, because some dope went and thought he was serious about that. Also too, Tucker Carlson certainly doesn't think of himself as a brainiac or anything! He's just a regular guy!
While the host conveys a heavy dose of self-confidence to Fox News viewers, he admitted that he's gotten plenty of things wrong over the years. "It's not like I've always been right and everyone else is dumb," he said. "I've been plenty dumb, on television, too, so you can check it if you want. There's no hiding from my dumbness."
How true this is. Of course, if he'd just stay home and not go on TV, the rest of us wouldn't have to turn our heads away in embarrassment for him, either.
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Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.