So Why Did This Crazy Palin Lady Quit the Alaska Governor Job She Just Started Two Years Ago?
First of all, Sarah Palin, go to HELL for ruining your editor's day of patriotic rest and BBQ. Second, why did you really quit, crazy lady? We admit to "jumping to conclusions" (trying to hurry up and get back outside to our cocktails and friends), but the story may be more complicated than "Sarah Palin is a sociopath who will just quit being governor of Alaska THREE-AND-A-HALF YEARS before the next presidential election, just to show her, uhm, Leadership Credentials, which means constantly yelling at David Letterman about a joke she couldn't comprehend." But there are so many more crazy theories about America's craziest Alaskan Anger Bear, the snowbilly grifter and strip-mall Ice Queen of Wasilla. Let's examine them, together!
- Andrea Mitchell's sources say Sarah Palin is not running for anything, ever, and that she's "out of politics for good." But who will fill the other half of the Santelli 2012 ticket?
- Sarah Palin (or somebody!) is pregnant again! CNN's Rick Sanchez suggested this "why not?" reason.
- Palin's nutball spokeswoman, "Meg," denies Andrea Mitchell's account, and says that Palin will actually be going "outside government," which, uhm, is not actually a denial at all, right? DailyKos commenter bluedonkey08 says in response, "You know, sometimes I think it's not worth trying to understand what she says. Your sanity will appreciate it." Noted.
- Palin's brother called the cable news to give his own theory, based on some conversation with Sister Sarah at a ski resort somewhere, two months ago. According to this relative, Palin has been spending "80% of her time defending herself" from the Media. You know, because it's super important to yell at David Letterman for weeks at a time, for being a teevee comic who makes jokes about politicians. (Sarah Palin apparently spends the remaining 20% of her time at ski resorts.)
- Mean old Washington Post beltway neocon Charles Krauthammer said the other day on Fox News that Palin is "not a serious candidate" for Republicans. Did Krauthammer make emo Sarah cry and quit?
- She's just plain crazy and you're just wasting your time trying to make sense of her erratic behavior. This is the theory suggested by CBS News, which described her speech as "rambling and sometimes confusing."