Social Distancing And Masks Are Actual Satanic Rituals, Says Wisconsin Mom

Social Distancing And Masks Are Actual Satanic Rituals, Says Wisconsin Mom

Like many other school districts across the nation, the Elmbrook School District in Wisconsin held a town meeting to decide whether or not to open schools entirely, go entirely virtual, or do some kind of hybrid type thing. After this meeting, they made the very poor decision to reopen entirely, five days a week, all in person. It will likely end just as well as all those other schools that have opened up entirely.

One of the things that convinced them, apparently, was a speech from one Heidi Anderson, a Christian Mom who not only wanted schools to open, but for there to be no mask-wearing or social distancing, because wearing masks and standing six feet away from one another are well-known pagan rituals of Satanists that she definitely did not just make up herself.

Elm Brook School District votes for in-person

"Six-foot distance and wearing masks are pagan rituals of satanic worshipers," she explained, "My kids are Christian they are not subject to wearing masks."

What kind of boring-ass pagan/satanic ritual is that? Wearing masks and standing six-feet away from each other. Please. If you're going to make up your own satanic rituals, at least make them interesting. Throw in a goat sacrifice. Some tannis root. A little bit of pizzazz. The fun thing about satanic rituals is that you can pretty much make up anything you want about them, because they are not real things. At least not in the way Christian Mom Heidi Anderson thinks they are. Satanists don't literally worship Satan. Only Christians believe in "Satan." With a few exceptions here and there, Satanists are mostly just aggressive atheists. Pagans, also, do not believe in Satan, on account of how they are not Christians.

That being said, no one is going to watch a horror movie in which an evil satanic cult stands around six feet away from each other while wearing surgical masks. That is boring and stupid and to what end, other than trying to not spread a virus, would anyone even do that?

Very sure of her theory, she went even further. Clearly, Heidi Anderson knows all about Satanic Devil Worshipers and how many feet apart they are traditionally required to stand.

Elmbrook Board of Education Meeting: 8/11/

Transcript via Friendly Atheist:

Six-foot distance and masks are pagan rituals of satanic worshipers. Absorb that in. 6 feet. Where does 6 feet come from, people? Why is not 3? Why is it not 5? Why is it not 10? Why is it not 30? Why is it 6?… I'm almost done. We've been very patient listening to all of you, so I'd like to finish. I'll finish quickly. Thank you.

We are Christians. Our children do not practice satanic worship. We don't have them stand six feet apart from each other with facial coverings. Facts and data have been suggested here with no logic. These masks are not proven to stop the virus… I would like to finish!

For the record, 30 feet is fine. 30 feet is even better than six feet. But six feet is the minimum because it's the closest you can get to someone who may have the virus without getting so many of their COVID droplets on you. And it's a lot more manageable, frankly, than 30 feet.

You're relying on the advice of doctors who are under the control of large medical organizations which benefit financially from the continuation of this emergency, as well as the edict of government officials with significant monetary investment in this pandemic.

This isn't really a follow-the-money kind of situation. It's mostly just "Hey! This is a virus that kills people, it would be better if people did not get it!" Unless these doctors and government officials are selling handmade masks on Etsy on the side, they're probably not going to make a lot of money from social distancing and mask-wearing. Also, what does that have to do with worshiping Satan?

I have relatives who have fought and died and paid the ultimate price to ensure that their children and grandchildren and generations to come could live in a free, representative republican that guaranteed life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness. These draconian measures for a disease that has very low morbidity, which is much less likely to happen to our kids than them getting in a car accident and dying, or their grandparents falling in a nursing home, is draconian Socialist tactics and overreach… You are elected to serve us.

More than four times as many Americans have died in the past four months of coronavirus as die every year from car accidents, but most of them weren't teenagers, so we guess Heidi Anderson has a point. (She does not have a point.) And so basically she expects even more people to die — more people than the 169,000 people in our country who have died already — for her freedom and that of her kids. That is what we would all do if we were very patriotic. We'd all risk our lives and the lives of those we love, so that Heidi Anderson and her kids do not have to be mildly inconvenienced.

This is one country, one nation under God, and we look to God for these answers when we can't figure it out, and I would suggest that you all do that. There's a wonderful prayer that He taught us to pray. It's called the Lord's Prayer, and you can find it in your Bible.

And Heidi Anderson, of course, knows exactly what God wants. He wants the same thing he's always wanted, for people to die from plagues. Only Satan doesn't want people to die from plagues, which is why he is evil.

If she wants to look to God for answers when "we can't figure it out," that's fine. Whatever gets her through the day. But what about when we can? What about when we know that masks and social distancing make transmission of this virus less likely? Does her God want her to just pretend that we don't know these things, to pretend that they are satanic rituals, because of how they inconvenience her? That's some religion she's got there.

[Friendly Atheist]

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Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse


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