Crap Words From Dr. Oz's Senate Announcement, Or Crap Medical Advice He Gave On His Show? A QUIZ!

Conspiracy theories
Crap Words From Dr. Oz's Senate Announcement, Or Crap Medical Advice He Gave On His Show? A QUIZ!
Dr. Oz Is Gross And Weird And Bad

"How can we acknowledge that Dr. Oz is running for Senate in Pennsylvania," we asked ourselves, "without actually giving that fucking clownfuck any more of our time than he deserves?" And the answer we arrived at was to make you a quiz.

The rules are simple: We will type a line of text, and you have to decide whether it was some dumb shit he said in his Senate announcement, or some dumb medical advice shit he actually told people on his show, or maybe on Fox News, because of how he's such a quack.

It's going to be extra hard, because a lot of the things from his Senate announcement are Oz whining and bitching about lockdowns and whining his mouth off about "elites." But HELPFUL HINT THAT MIGHT HELP YOU, the odd numbers are from the Senate announcement, and the evens are his shit "medical" advice.

1. COVID-19 became an excuse for the government and elite thinkers who controlled the means of communication to suspend debate.

2. One time Dr. Oz scared people with news that suggested that mouthwash causes high blood pressure.

3. Dissenting opinions from leading scholars were ridiculed and canceled so their ideas could not be disseminated.

4. Then there was the time he said the "magic weight-loss cure for every body type" was "this little bean," which was green coffee extract. Who doesn't love Dr. Oz's little bean!

5. Instead, the government mandated policies that caused unnecessary suffering. The public was patronized and misled instead of empowered. We were told to lock down quietly and let those in charge take care of the rest. When we tested positive for the virus, we were also told to wait at home until our lips turned blue and we got sick enough to warrant hospitalization.

6. Hydroxybonercream is his FAAAAAAAVORITE treatment for COVID, he loves it soooooo much, he wants to marrrrrrrrrry it.

7. Elites with yards told those without yards to stay inside, where the virus was more likely to spread. And the arrogant, closed-minded people in charge closed our parks, shuttered our schools, shut down our businesses, and took away our freedom.

Hold on, what the fuck is he talking about? You have no idea either? OK just checking. Moving on.

8. Know what cures restless leg syndrome? Some lavender soap under your covers, or barring that, getting dutch ovened by an angel. Just kidding, he didn't say the angel poots thing. That would be silly.

9. Although we had some moments of brilliance, such as the gift to the world of mRNA vaccines made possible by President Donald Trump’s Operation Warp Speed ...

10. MAYBE "the No. 1 miracle in a bottle to burn your fat" is something called "raspberry ketones," sure why not, it had never been tested on humans, but that's just a detail.

11. Equally concerning, we cannot even say what we see anymore, which is a suffocating feeling. Doctors are trained to tell it like it is because you deserve to hear our best advice and make your own decisions. It’s why I have fought the establishment my whole career.

12. Can your astrological sign tell you a whole bunch about your health? Yes, or ZOMGYES?

In a now-deleted tweet, Oz said astrology could help people understand their personal health.

"For centuries, we have used astrological signs to examine our personality and how we interact with those around us," he said. "However, these signs may reveal a great deal about our health as well."

13. We must confront those who want to change the very soul of America and reimagine it with their toxic ideology. We need to fight for the benefit of our descendants. We have fumbled the baton we’re supposed to pass to our children. And I want to pick up that baton and start racing toward our promising future.

Well, this has been a terrifying exercise.


[Dr. Oz announcement]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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