Barack Obama continued his "give speeches from the ruins of once-great industrial cities" tour today, visiting the stereotypical ruined rust-belt pit of Buffalo. He told the assembled crowd of unemployed people (the entire population of western and upstate New York) that something or other would be "the future," and he purchased the local food item from the local eatery which sells the gross local food item -- "Buffalo wings," in this case. Greasy throwaway bone-parts of a chicken corpse, slathered with a corn-grease margarine and garnished with mysterious stalks of a cold vegetable that can only be sampled after being used as the "spoon" in a giant bowl of "blue cheese salad dressing." And then some lady put the sexytime moves on Barack Obama because he's so damn fine.

Imagine living in Buffalo. Or, more accurately, "Wherever you live will be like Buffalo very soon, if it's not already, and the only measurable difference will be in terms of snowfall."

Anyway, imagine your future: You, along with other unemployed people who somehow got the gumption to leave the slum-house and the Tyra Banks show or whatever for a little while, you go to the local fast-food place -- the one place a politician's advance team can find that's not another goddamned Dunkin' Donuts or convenience store with drunk old men staggering around outside and cars with their hoods up -- and there you see this elegantly dressed "young man" (he's older than you, but whatever, poor people age rapidly as if you didn't know), and he's somebody famous, maybe from that American Idol, so you run over and start the sexytime talk. Maybe he will give you some good lovin', because he's in Buffalo and what, really, are the options?

The crowd seemed especially glad to see Obama -- especially one Luann Haley, age 45.

"You're a hottie with a smokin' little body," she told the president.

And then the Secret Service pumped her full of lead and left her body in the chicken-fat dumpster, the end.

SORRY, WAIT: And then the FreeRepublic people made a bunch of nigger jokes about the pictures, the end. [USA TODAY]


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