Somebody Make A Statue Of Mitt's Car Elevator, He's Voting To Convict! Your Final Trump Impeachment TOTAL EXONERATION Liveblog!
Well, well, well! There is one Republican senator who has a modicum of a conscience, and his last name is Romney, just like the RNC's trolliest most terrible godawful chairwoman ever also has the last name Romney, except for how she is not allowed to use it because it hurts Donald Trump's feelings. We have a feeling Ronna ROMNEY McDaniel won't be traveling up her uncle's car elevator anytime soon, because Uncle Mittens has announced that he will vote to convict Donald Trump on article one of the impeachment, for the simple reason that Trump obviously is guilty, and despite what Trump-protecting GOP senators would have us believe, Trump's crimes are easily the most egregious we have ever seen from an American president, a threat to the fabric of the republic itself.
In fact, here is his quote, as it will be remembered by history, because Romney's courage here will go down in history:
"Corrupting an election to keep oneself in office is perhaps the most abusive and destructive violation of one's oath of office that I can imagine."
Romney got a little teary-eyed as he built suspense to announce his vote, because he was talking about how he made an oath TO GOD to be an impartial juror, and we guess Mittens just gets a little bit misty when he thinks about TO GOD. He said he trusted that, though he and his GOP colleagues came to different conclusions, they still totally took their oaths seriously, because he had to pay lip service to that idea, even though it's clear that Lindsey Graham, Mitch McConnell and the others LIED TO THE GOD WHO LOVES MITTENS when they took their oaths.
Mittens also said he is well aware that Trump and his shitholes will say all kinds of mean things about him right now, but that's OK, Mittens ain't give a care. (Actually, we just lied at you. In a pre-taped Fox News interview, Mittens said he does in fact give a care, and noted that hell is probably going to rain down not only on him but on his grandkids. Because that's what happens when you go against a tinpot wannabe dictator.)
Hey look, a Trump shithole:
If you'd like to watch the Romney announcement on the Senate floor, click here.
The official vote to TOTALLY EXONERATE Trump will be coming up at 4 p.m. Eastern, so like 40 minutes from now. And this will be your liveblog/livestreaming location!
Wonkette would note that with Doug Jones announcing he is voting to convict, if we can keep both Joe Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema on the right side of history, Trump still won't be removed from office obviously, but Democrats will be able to say the vote to convict was #bipartisan, whereas Trump will not be able to say the vote to acquit was. But like we said, that's a big if.
Stay tuned for updates!
3:35: Chuck Schumer is giving his final speech on the floor right now, detailing Trump's proven (and confessed!) crimes. Says when he first studied the Federalist Papers in high school, he was "skeptical" of the idea that foreign interference was like the biggest fuckin' most impeachable thing ever, and our point in telling you that is to tell you that Chuck Schumer was a NERD IN HIGH SCHOOL.
3:39: SCHUMER: [Trump's excuses] are the excuses of a CHILD.
Also Schumer just used "Dershowitzian" as an adjective. We think it was about pained, tortured arguments that make no sense, but it could mean something about not having no panties on.
3:45: Schumer just cold subtweeting Susan Collins right now. Oh you think he's learned HIS LESSON, do you? Is that what you think about the reality you see with your face?
3:50: And now Mitch McConnell will dance around and sing like "MOSCOW MITCH! MOSCOW MITCH! LOOK WHAT I DONE, I'M MOSCOW MITCH!" (That is his song. Allegedly. He wrote it on the guitar. Allegedly.)
3:56: Blah blah blah they "called us treacherous" blah blah "normally when people lose an election they admit defeat" blah blah blah "they don't even think he's a legitimate president!"
Because he's not.
Hahahaha, "perhaps," Moscow Mitch says, Nancy Pelosi will "tear up the verdict like she tore up the State of the Union address!" They are so mad, and McConnell is very upset that the American people are not going to see Trump's acquittal as TOTAL EXONERATION.
3:58: McConnell now whining that some Dems are talking about blowing up the filibuster, and (faints) declaring war on our institutions themselves! What, like the institution of "Supreme Court justice dies and president gets to name new one, even if president is a Democrat?"
Go fuck yourself, Moscow Mitch.
4:00: OK, Moscow Mitch has stopped whining. They are in recess, and votes should start soon.
4:01: Manchin and Sinema both voting to convict. No bipartisan acquittal for you, Donald :(
4:06: Votes are beginning. The first article, abuse of power, is being read.
JOKE TIME FROM CHATCAVE:
Dok: That's good that Sinema is voting to convict, though I DID have to think for a minute before remembering Sinema is a Democrat.
Me: So did she.
BA DUMP BUMP!
4:14: This is very sad to watch. An unrepresentative body full of senators who represent mostly cows voting to totally exonerate the most obviously guilty man on earth. Just ridiculous.
No surprises so far.
4:18: And the abuse of power is finished, 48 say guilty, 52 say not guilty, the Democrats and Mitt Romney have it! You know, when it comes to having facts. This is not exoneration.
Hey, just a thought, though, y'all know how Democrats and leftists are like "WAAAAAAAH" at each other? Know what actually matters for getting anything done, no matter who the president is, assuming the eventual Democratic nominee wins the presidency? TAKING THE FUCKING SENATE.
4:25: And the second article has been read. This vote will be similar to the other, except for how Romney is going to say it's OK for Trump to obstruct Congress a lot.
4:32: And now that is over. 53-47, party lines.
Sad day for America. One that we knew was coming, because anybody who thinks you can negotiate with Republicans or that they'll protect America just hasn't been paying attention for quite a long while.
Gotta deliver the real verdict in November, at the ballot box, WITH VOTES.
4:37: And now Mitch McConnell is awarding John Roberts the golden dildo or something for being such a good presider over the Senate, by sitting up there and absolutely not doing anything, because he is so scared of being seen as #partisan.
4:46: Here's two things, and then we're out:
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