Someone Made A New Bananapants 'Satanic Pedo Cabal' QAnon Pizza Map, Looks Legit

Conspiracy Theories

There are certain things we should never have to relive, things that should always, always, remain a super-embarrassing thing we did in the past and all collectively, silently agree to never do again. A preponderance of these things occurred in the 1980s. I'm not saying the '80s were entirely bad — from what I recall, there were many very good cartoons at that time — but mall bangs, stockbrokers being "cool," people not realizing the president was talking about movies like they were real life, the war on drugs, super rapey sex comedies? These things should remain in the past. Probably you were assuming that I would add shoulder pads to that list, but I would not. I have too much respect for Joan Crawford to do such a thing and honestly I think they were pretty badass.

One thing from the 1980s and 1990s that should have stayed there forever, that should have been stomped out permanently, was the Satanic Panic. That should have been snuffed out entirely after the 1996 premiere of Paradise Lost, the HBO documentary about the West Memphis Three, and also everyone realizing how stupid it was that parents were freaking out over Marilyn Manson.


Oh! Also the thing where the woman who wrote Satan's Underground turned out to be a pathological liar who also fraudulently claimed to be a Holocaust survivor.

It seemed like most regular people — outside of super-extreme religious kooks — figured out that only Christians believed in Satan and that there really weren't a bunch of Satanic cabals molesting and eating children because that was fucking ridiculous and the things they described happening would have been impossible without access to a TARDIS.

But here we are again, doing this whole stupid thing with the recovered memories and the baby-eating Satanists and the Satanic Ritual Abuse, except this time they're not even bothering to brainwash toddlers about being flown to Mexico and back in the private planes of daycare workers. There are no actual victims this time at all. Just hypothetical mole children and a few adults claiming to have "recovered memories" of Hollywood celebrities and politicians doing Satanic Ritual Abuse to them. It's all public figures now, probably because it's harder for those people to sue for libel.

ANYWAY. Someone with a lot of time on their hands made a new "Satanic Pedo Cabal" diagram, which helpfully connects a bunch of crazypants conspiracies with a bunch of people who claim to have recovered memories of Satanic Ritual Abuse and a whole bunch of shit that was debunked decades ago.

Since we had such a great time with that last QAnon map, let's take a look, shall we? Here's a link to the whole thing so you can follow along.

A conspiracy map is never complete without a whole bunch of Freemasonry symbols, don't ya think?

The main thing I can tell you about this square is that Alisha Owen (pictured) claimed to be a victim of a child prostitution ring run by the Franklin Community Federal Credit Union in Omaha, Nebraska — which regularly flew children to the East Coast to be molested by Republican politicians.

There was never any evidence found of this and all of the other supposed victims recanted. Owen was sent to prison for having lied to a grand jury.


Here they just throw in that all of the British royals are Satanic pedophiles who molest children and murder people for fun and also for the purpose of denying everyone "inner peace." Also all of the rich people are Satanic pedophiles, and of course the Illuminati.

They've also got Wonkette fave Sara Ruth Ashcraft, the chick who claims to have been Tom Hanks's brainwashed sex slave. According to her, her parents were the ones who did this to her, because of how they were very high up in a thousand-year-old cult called the Hivites that literally no one else has ever mentioned before.

Oh hey look! It's one true thing! Jeffrey Epstein was, in fact, a fucking sex creep.

But with that are a whole bunch of other stupid things about the Clintons and George Soros and Pizzagate and the New World Order. Just the regular crap, really.

This lady, Fiona Barnett, claimed to have recovered memories of being Nicole Kidman's dad's sex slave. She claims to have been a part of MKDELTA and MKULTRA, which is super weird as she is from Australia and those were CIA programs. Also MKDELTA was not a child soldier program, it had to do with distributing information abroad.

Here we've got some Targeted Individual nonsense. Targeted individuals, basically, are randos who think the government is stalking and monitoring them for (usually) no apparent reason.

Apparently, these Targeted Individuals are attacked and secretly tortured with microwaves for getting into arguments with their neighbors. That definitely seems like a very real thing that happens and not at all like one of my mom's stories about people who used to come into the emergency room at Boston University Hospital in the 1970s. Also I am sorry for sending you into the super dumb internet rabbit hole you are inevitably going to fall into.

Oh and here are more of them. Plus Edward Snowden who is a real person who actually exposed some real shit — which they are of course relating to their Targeted Individual shit.

Plus gangstalking, QAnon and some anti-Semitism for good measure.

According to the guy who made the map, he recently updated it to include more about gang stalking, which he claims Millie Weaver's documentary Shadow Gate proves is real. Yes, that's the Infowars chick who was arrested for robbery and domestic violence over the weekend.

Guess it really is all connected!

[Reddit]

Do your Amazon shopping through this link, because reasons.

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. In addition to her work at Wonkette, she also has a biweekly column at Dame. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse

Donate

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Newsletter

©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc