Sarah Huckabee Sanders Launches Website For Future Grifting Purposes, Whatever They Might Be!
We'd hoped Sarah Huckabee Sanders had gone away forever, never to darken our lives with her bullshit again, but she Just. Won't. Go. Away. Sanders launched a new personal website Monday, which Politico describes (repeatedly) as "sleek" and "high-polish."
Let's take a look:
We're a little disappointed that no one thought to buy the URL "sarahhuckabeesanders.com" and use it to solicit donations for the First Amendment Project. The landing page is designed as if Sanders believes she has a future in politics, which, considering today's GOP, is probably true, even though the woman has zero credibility as a public official. The featured photo is also misleading because she's shown addressing the press without her usual Super Soaker filled with cat pee. (FACTCHECK: she did not actually use a Super Soaker filled with cat pee during her few briefings. That's just how they made everyone feel.)
There's been talk that Sanders might run for governor of Arkansas. Her father, Mike Huckabee, was the governor from 1996 to 2007. We'd prefer to believe that's a fluke, not the start of a dynasty. People who are asked to leave fine dining establishments because they're a blight on humanity aren't usually ideal political candidates. But these are kooky times. And Arkansas might have a soft spot for its former first daughter. If she replaces term-limited Asa Hutchinson in 2022, she could eventually stage a triumphant return to the White House where she'd hire other people to lie for her. That's the American dream.
The website bio for Sanders is full of shit, as we'd expect:
Sarah is only the third woman – and the very first mom – to ever hold the job of White House Press Secretary.
Unlike previous lady press secretaries who were either barren or hated kids, Sanders was a MOM who shamelessly promoted the president's policy of locking up migrant children. Conservatives hypocritically embrace "identity politics" only when it suits them.
An early supporter of President Trump, Sarah joined the Trump campaign as a senior advisor in February 2016 during the Republican primary, and continued in that role through the President's defeat of Hillary Clinton, one of the greatest and most unexpected victories in American history.
Fuck Gettysburg! Sanders helped Donald Trump put a stake through the heart of Hillary Clinton! We personally don't consider that a great "victory" for anyone but the expanding "kiddie jail" industry. As for "unexpected," given Russia's interference, it's more like Putin threw a surprise Election Day party for Trump, and Mitch McConnell was in charge of keeping us in the dark.
For two and a half years, Sarah was at the President's side, battling with the media...
Look, Sanders's job wasn't to serve as the underboss in a corrupt president's war against a free press. She was theoretically the press secretary. She never effectively communicated or clarified any of Trump's deranged policies or positions. She bullied reporters and when she got bored with treating them like crap, and she basically parked a pickup truck over the White House press briefings and let them wither and die.
Sanders might've hid from the public like a dog from her brother, but now she wants us to "connect" with her, as if we don't have better things to do, like slowly dying. The site offers us the "opportunity" to book Sanders for a speaking engagement, which is hilarious because she's a godawful public speaker. This terrible clip of Sanders saying words in front of the people-resembling attendees of a Trump rally actually appears on her site as an example of what your hard-earned money can buy.
STANDING OVATION: Sarah Sanders Farewell Statement at President Trump Rally youtu.be
Sanders might have better luck appearing at high schools and colleges, where she could berate and insult future journalism students as part of some sort of "scared straight into PR" program. In the meantime, she is clearly building up her email list, and the site lets you send her a personal note, which you should definitely not do, unless you want to.
We sincerely hope Sanders sticks to Fox News and doesn't run for elected office. We'd hate to have to uproot our lives and move to Arkansas just so we can vote against her.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He recently fled Seattle, where he did theatre work for Book-It Rep and Cafe Nordo.