Sorry About Your Family, Adam Kinzinger
Adam Kinzinger of Illinois is one of the Republicans in the House who voted to impeach Donald Trump, and he's been vocal about how he's over Trump for a hot minute now.
Some members of Kinzinger's family are not happy about that. One of his cousins, Karen Otto, sent him a letter about it, signed by 10 more members of his family, including Cousin Karen's husband Cousin Greg. The letter is handwritten, in what can only be described as Extreme Grandma Cursive, it is two pages long, and it is not very nice! It's also ridiculously funny, but maybe only if you — like us — have been on the receiving end of a letter like this before, perhaps 21 years ago, when you came out of the closet. But enough about us! (We lost that letter in a move, which drives us nuts, as we've wanted to show it to approximately 300,000 people since then.)
The fact that the New York Timeshas a copy of this letter, Extreme Grandma Cursive and all, suggests something to us about what Rep. Kinzinger thinks about this letter.
"Adam, Oh my what a disappointment you are to us and to God!" the letter begins, except for "disappointment" is underlined four times, and God is underlined just once. "We were once so proud of your accomplishments!" But Cousin Karen is no longer proud of Adam Kinzinger, the 42-year-old congressman who served in the Air Force in Iraq and Afghanistan. "Instead you go against your Christian principals and join the 'devil's army.'" We don't know which Christian "principals" Cousin Karen is talking about, maybe Mr. Belding has gone evangelical.
How do you call yourself a Christian when you join the "devil's army" believing in abortion?
This letter was written January 8, two days after the Capitol attack, after Kinzinger called for Trump's removal because he incited a terrorist attack against the US Capitol. And Cousin Karen is already here making this about abortion. (Kinzinger is anti-abortion, for the record.)
We thought you were "smart" enough to see how the left is brainwashing so many "so called good people" including yourself and many other GOP members. You have even fallen for their socialism ideals! So, so, sad!
Indeed, it is So, so, sad!
President Trump is not perfect but neither are you or any of us for that matter! It is not for any of us to judge or be judged! But he is a Christian!
Not sure we agree with your police work there, Cousin Karen. She's talking about Mr. Two Corinthians, the guy who literally autographedBibles on the campaign trail, the guy who stood in front of a church awkwardly holding a Bible from his daughter's MaxMara bag in the air after he ordered a priest teargassed? That guy is a Christian, we're supposed to believe? You betcha.
(If God can forgive and use King David in the Bible, He can do the same with President Trump.)
It's funny because King David's big sin involved doing an adultery, after he saw Bathsheba bein' all naked on the roof next door. This is just like when Donald Trump paid off Stormy Daniels to hide their affair, probably, except for how David's story involved repentance eventually. Oh well, anyway!
Point is, Cousin Karen knows Donald Trump is a Christian, because all these other really great Christian guys who are not crooks or conmen say so:
Franklin Graham, Robert Jeffress, to just name a few, of many Pastors, who mentor President Trump, know that he is a believer!
Obviously, you did not hear President Trump's "Christmas Message" to the American people (fake news media did not cover his message) where he actually gave the plan of salvation, instructing people how to repent and ask the Savior into their heart to be "Born Again!" (To believe in John 3:16)
We did not hear that message either (fake news Wonkette did not cover his message), but we trust that it was super fuckin' Biblesauce and that Trump was probably literally John the Baptist the entire time. Or maybe Cousin Karen hallucinated it.
Back to verbally abusing and disowning Adam Kinzinger for having his own mind and stabbing Jesus right in the wrists when he called for Trump to be held accountable for ordering a terrorist attack against America:
When was the last time you proclaimed your faith, Adam? (Oh, we forgot you now belong to the "devil's army.")
You won't convince us otherwise with your horrible, rude accusations of President Trump!
(To embrace a party that believes in abortion and socialism is the ultimate sin.)
OK, we're sorry, but gonna have to factcheck that one with Jesus, who says in Mark that the unforgivable sin is blasphemy against the Holy Spirit. It's funny because buncha motherfuckers had just accused Jesus of being in the devil's army.
Now the letter goes passive-aggressive:
We should list even more grievances against you, but decided you are not worth more of our time to list them. We have said enough!
As long as Cousin Karen's got her priorities in order. The letter isn't over, though:
You should be very proud that you have lost the respect of Lou Dobbs, Tucker Carlson, Sean Hannity, Laura Ingraham, Greg Kelly etc. and most importantly in our book, Mark Levin and Rush Limbaugh and us!
WE ARE, COUSIN KAREN. Oh wait, sorry, this is the Adam Kinzinger letter. We lost the similar letter we received. Maybe we stuck it in a book somewhere for safekeeping then forgot our own hiding place. (By the way, "lost the respect" was underlined three times, but our web platform does not have a font for Extreme Grandma Cursive.)
It is now most embarrassing to us that we are related to you. You have embarrassed the Kinzinger family name!
By calling for the removal of a president who literally incited a terrorist attack against the American people and their seat of government.
We are not judging you.
Perish the thought!
The letter at last wraps up with Cousin Karen saying good luck with your fundraising, and so forth, signed Cousin Karen and 10 other family members whose names are redacted in the copy the Times has.
Oh, except P.S.
For your information, many more family members, feel the same as we do. They just didn't have the courage to sign our letter or write their own letter! Not us, we are throughly [sic] disgusted with you!! And oh by the way, we are calling for your removal from office!
OK, that's enough.
The Timesreached out to Karen Otto, who explained the letter by saying "I wanted Adam to be shunned." So we'll mark her down as not coming to Thanksgiving. Kinzinger told the Times what he thinks of all this:
The letter-writers in his family, he said, suffer from "brainwashing" from conservative churches that have led them astray.
"I hold nothing against them,'' he said, "but I have zero desire or feel the need to reach out and repair that. That is 100 percent on them to reach out and repair, and quite honestly, I don't care if they do or not."
Kinzinger's local county GOP also censured him, but we don't know if they wrote him such a cool letter.
Kinzinger says he wants to reform the GOP, to which we say good fuckin' luck. We don't agree with the guy on just about anything outside of how Donald Trump shouldn't be allowed to destroy American democracy, but more power to him, and to some of his brave colleagues like Jaime Herrera Butler, who not only voted to impeach Trump but also was willing to stand as a witness in his trial. They got a long road ahead of them. Or maybe they'll just get primaried out and the GOP will finish its job of purging every last patriot from its ranks.
Here's the letter in all its glory, because it is awesome.
[Cousin Karen's letter to Adam Kinzinger, a disappointment to Jesus and President Trump / New York Times]
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