Sorry I Freaked Out At You Guys Last Night
Hey, remember last night, when I freaked out at you guys? Probably not, because I only left the comment up for about five minutes before I deleted it, too embarrassed at my WHINE and WHAAH and OUTBURST and PETULANCE and WAAH SOME MORE. But it was long enough for like 50 people to feel bad at the sulky shouty lady having a breakdown and SEND HER MONEY, for WONKETTE and LOVE. So thank you, 50 people, I will get to your thank you notes later, after ALL THE NEWS IN THE WORLD.
So let's talk about why I am having breakdowns, what we need, what I'm doing right, what I'm doing wrong, what I'm going to continue doing wrong because I can't help it, and what YOU need to do, because CITIZENSHIP.
First: I can't help hiring new people, all the time, like constantly. If I waited to do this until I had the money in the bank, we would never hire the people! And we neeeeed the people. Two more full-time staffers will allow our writers to take their time on SOME posts, SOMETIMES, like PROFESSIONALS; it'll allow us to have news for you in the morning instead of oh is it TEN THIRTY ALREADY AND I HAVE TO KILL EVAN NOW? Do you want me to kill Evan? OF COURSE YOU DON'T. Also, my therapist says I am impulsive and he is correct. But if my "impulsive" is limited to "hiring people you love and giving them fully funded healthcare so Elizabeth Warren can bone us," I'd say that "impulsive" is GOOD! :D
We'll be able to focus on all the things we're good at, and maybe SOME FUCKING DAY one of us will do a podcast, gross, ugh, how do you even listen to people YAMMERING ALL OF THE TIME. (Can you tell I don't have a "commute" or go to "gym"?)
Second: No, I'm not doing premium content for subscribers; everyone is equal at the Wonkette, and no animal is more equal than others. Second part B: I don't think ads are going to work. I had a brief vision of this ONE AD solving our problems and me not having to beg and whine at you, and ... it just won't. Not just because some of you mewled about that ONE AD which I'd WARNED YOU WAS COMING after TWO AD-FREE YEARS, and it HURT MY FEELINGS and MADE ME YELL AT YOU ... this is not a good apology.
Ads won't save us for the same reason we took them out two years ago: The ecosystem's as fucked as if Don Blankenship were leaching cyanide into it, and the EPA should probably put some oil lobbyists in charge. The ad folks gave us pretty numbers that I don't believe for a second but I want to believe, and their shit ain't even work. (I did like the links to Wonkette stories though. We don't do any SEO or advertising or marketing except buying you beer. I thought it might be a good way for READ MOAR!)
Those were the things I am doing wrong. (Mostly that apology!) (And more than one moneybeg in a month? NOT COOL, WONKETTE. But that's how you know shit is serious.)
What are we doing right? Well, there's the YOU NOT DYING for one thing! Every day I get letters about "Oh Wonkette, we love you so much thank you for ME NOT DYING." Because shit is real out here. And you are compassionate people with empathy who see what is going on in our country and it hurts you physically, and if you do look away, it's only for a while before you have to bear up and bear witness again. And we help!
Someday Trump will be gone and you all will breathe again, and then the (just updated the math) slightly LESS THAN! one percent of you who donate will cancel your subscriptions and I will lay everyone off, but that is in the future, and I will worry about it then. Denial can be good! Let's all do some!
What else am I doing right? I am being NOT GREEDY, which I feel like I need to tell you even though it is embarrassing to have to say I am being NOT GREEDY. We all make the same at Wonkette, except me who makes slightly less and Shy who makes much less because he honestly doesn't work that many hours. And we've cut our expenses so we can cut our own pay, which is all fine but we still need to get paid SOMETIMES. I will probably delete this embarrassing paragraph later.
If you cannot give us money, you cannot give us money. I GET IT and I'M NOT MAD and I LOVE YOU. But it can't be the case that more than 99 percent of you cannot, that shit ain't even fly.
I cannot ask the people who are already paying Wonkette's bills to do more. They are already digging deep, and often. If it is at all possible for all the rest of you, I am humbly begging you (it huuuuuurts) to do what you can (a few bucks is terrific!). And if it is at all possible, I am humbly begging you to sign up for a monthly donation either at our Patreon (GIFTS!) or with the widget below, until Trump leaves and you all cancel at once and we will lay off that bridge when we come to it.
SHUT UP I HATE YOU I LOVE YOU UGH ARGH EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE YOU ARE THE BEST.
My Sister, My Daughter - Chinatown (6/9) Movie CLIP (1974) HDwww.youtube.com
Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.