Sorry, No Vaccine Available For President Sore Loser’s Complete, Utter Failure

Trump

Donald Trump still refuses to concede the election he lost. We know some of you are tired of hearing about it, but this decaying jack-o-lantern is president for another 42 days and he's already reached Dr. Frank-N-Furter's “I'm Going Home" stage of delusion where he looks out at an empty audience and imagines a cheering crowd.

Tuesday, Trump used the White House vaccine summit as another platform for him to share debunked voter fraud conspiracies. It was probably for the best, because when he was on “message," he suggested it was “terrific" that we're close to 15 percent of Americans having contracted COVID-19. Even Sweden's given up on this “herd immunity" bullshit.

TRUMP: The vaccine was our goal. That was number one because that's the way it ends. Plus, you do have an immunity. You develop immunity over a period of time.

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When asked why he didn't invite anyone to the summit from the Biden transition team, like a normal outgoing president in full possession of his faculties, he insisted that he still has a shot at going full despot and overturning the election results.

TRUMP: We're going to have to see who the next administration is. Because we won in those swing states.

He did not win in those swing states. His coronavirus-infested legal team is attempting the equivalent of the Boston Celtics, who the Los Angeles Lakers clearly defeated, asking that the NBA retroactively invalidate all three-pointers and award them the championship. However, the Celtics would never do something like this because they aren't a bunch of crooks.

TRUMP: Hopefully, the next administration will be the Trump administration.

Never shall sun that morrow see.


Trump is pissed because a COVID-19 vaccine is coming, like Melania Trump has never done in his presence, and he's going. People will eventually gather again safely. They'll attend sporting events, go to concerts, see movies in theaters with a loud, annoying audience. Kids will return to school. Parents will stop day drinking. People at large parties will raise a glass and toast President Joe Biden. Trump won't be able to leave Mar-a-Lago without encountering Americans enjoying themselves in large crowds and spontaneously shouting, “Thank you, Uncle Joe!"

During Trump's desperate cry for help posing as a vaccine summit, the guy who Biden whipped like a meringue claimed that a grateful nation had rewarded him with a flawless victory for "all we've done." Maybe more than 285,000 Americans aren't dead in Trump's alternate reality where he easily won reelection and George Bailey was never born.

TRUMP: Now, let's see whether or not somebody has the courage, whether it's a legislator or legislature, or whether it's a justice of the Supreme Court, or a number of justice of the Supreme Court, let's see if they have the courage to do what everybody in this country knows is right.

In this reality, a record 81,283,664 million Americans voted against Trump, but there are no mail-in ballots on his personal Fantasy Island.

Tuesday afternoon, the Supreme Court, the “manager" President Karen kept asking to speak to, declined to hear the crackpipe Kraken argument for throwing out millions of mail-in ballots. It was a brief, one-sentence fuck you: "The application for injunctive relief presented to Justice Alito and by him referred to the Court is denied."

It's fucking over. And Trump had such high hopes for Supreme Court Justice Amy Coney Fix That Ballot!

There were no dissents. Not even the conservative justices Trump appointed wanted the taint of his failure on them.

Even his once-beloved Fox News has abandoned him. Neil Cavuto somberly declared after the Supreme Court flip off “Joe Biden now clearly the president-elect of the United States." It only took Cavuto 31 days to catch up with the rest of us. Trump, however, will probably accept reality no better than Miss Havisham.

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes reviews for the A.V. Club and make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."

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