Sorry, Trump! Even If You Fire Robert Mueller, He Is Still BOSS OF YOUR ASS

Gonna fuck you up!

Wonkette would like to issue the opposite of a mea culpa, which is known as a WE WAS RIGHT-A! Remember this post?

That was our post the day we learned that Robert Mueller's team had executed a "no-knock" warrant on Paul Manafort's underpants drawer, waking him up by picking his lock and knocking on his bedroom door, allegedly! We say "allegedly" because according to a new Mueller filing, and contrary to all reporting at the time (including Wonkette's blogging), it was neither "no-knock" nor was it "pre-dawn." It was, indeed, a daytime (if early morning) raid, and it was 100% KNOCK KNOCK, MOTHERFUCKER! So, though we were just putting a funny Wonkette headline on the reporting we had at the time, we must note that our funny Wonkette headline was the MOST ACCURATE OF THEM ALL!

A solid handful of news came out this week's Mueller filings in the Manafort case, and lucky for us, Business Insider already read it all so we don't have to. Manafort's legal team is still throwing shit at the wall, trying to suppress evidence, and trying to prove that Mueller acted somehow unlawfully or unfairly when he executed those raids, and that Mueller has exceeded the very clear mandate written out by Deputy Attorney Rod Rosenstein, which ... explicitly allows all the ongoing investigations into Manafort.

In the latest filings, Mueller alludes to three heretofore unknown lines of investigation into Manafort, but we don't know what they are, because they are REDACTED. He also specifically says he's looking at lines of collusion/conspiracy such as Donald Trump Jr.'s happytimes Russian conspiracy meeting in Trump Tower, and also Manafort's ties to Putin's favorite oligarch Oleg Deripaska.

But Rachel Maddow flagged another thing about this latest filing on Tuesday night, which is that the warrant wasn't directly requested by Mueller's office. Nope! That went through the FBI's International Corruption Squad that exists whether or not Mueller is the special counsel. Moreover, it was reviewed by the assistant US attorney in the Eastern District of Virginia (EDVA), which is also not part of the special counsel's office.

Here, watch:

Maddow noted that this is not unique to Mueller's investigation, as he seems to be doing ALL KINDS OF EVERYTHING to make sure that, if Donald Trump has an itchy bowel movement one night and decides to impulsively try to Saturday Night Massacre the special counsel's investigation to death, he won't be able to, because Mueller has planted "roots" of his investigation EVERYFUCKINGWHERE, to the point that Trump would literally have to fire the entire DOJ and FBI if he wanted the investigations to go away. Haha, Trump! Robert Mueller is smarter than you! And has better hair! And bigger hands! Not to mention what he's packin' in his pants, ALLEGEDLY!

Mueller sent the Michael Cohen investigation to the Southern District of New York. Now, we're sure those prosecutors are sharing evidence with Mueller's office, and vice versa, but if the Saturday Night Massacre happens, Maddow noted that the Manafort charges also did not technically come from his office, but rather from the National Security Division and the Tax Division of the Justice Department, and that the prosecutor on the case is specifically heading the case "with the internal authority to conduct this prosecution, separate and aside from his role in the Special Counsel's office."

And this is just the stuff we know about RIGHT NOW. Take heart, lovely readers, that GOD ONLY KNOWS what else Mueller has under seal, and where he has chosen to stick it.

Maddow used the metaphor of Mueller laying down "roots" everywhere, roots which will turn into all kinds of beautiful new trees. One could also see what Mueller is doing as creating a hydra, all the heads of which have Rapunzel hair and are wearing vests made of kudzu, because that is also a very common metaphor for describing how Mueller is surrounding the Trump White House with a very simple message: I AM YOUR REAL DAD.

Now, this doesn't mean that if Trump fires Rod Rosenstein or somehow succeeds in firing Mueller that we don't still take the streets. WE DO, because that would be the president provoking a constitutional crisis and obstructing justice and just generally acting like an authoritarian dictator.

But we should take heart that, in the immortal words of Céline Dion, near, far, wherever Trump and his Russia-conspiring shitheels are, we believe that their hearts the investigations will go on, and also that once more, they'll open the door, and there will be some FBI agents out there on the front porch saying "KNOCK KNOCK, MOTHERFUCKER."

At least, that is how we remember the song going.

And now it is time for your OPEN THREAD!

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Are you a fairly regular Wonkette reader and have had a nagging little voice for some time saying “you should throw Wonkette a buck every month”? We would surely appreciate it!

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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