SOTU Drinking Game Is Juiced Up Beyond Belief!
Before we start with this year's greatest-ever Official Wonkette SOTU Drinking Game, let's all remember to play fair and play mean. Here are the Rules:
* A "hit" (or "sip" for girls) is the basic unit of drinking of no offense to anybody.
* A "shot" is the standard 1.5-ounce serving of hard liquor; If your shot glass has a line midway around it, this is the 1-ounce level. Go ahead and add another half ounce.
* A "chug" is the act of consuming your entire beverage -- usually beer -- in a single terrible gulp.
* "Valium" is the trademarked name for the now-generic prescription benzodiazepine derivative. Substitute any Rx downer in your medicine cabinet if Diazepam is not available.
* A "rail" is two 1.5-inch-long lines of cocaine or methamphetamine. Get it, like a little railroad! But in these more innocent days, most people mean a single line when they say "rail." We mean two lines.
* If you don't have a gun, keep a heavy cast-iron skillet and a box of rat poison near your television.
Let the games begin, after the jump ....
Take a hit when:
* News anchor mumbles incoherently about "the speech of this president's mmm bbl mmmm."
* "Political analyst" brings up any SOTU before Eisenhower.
* Fat congressman bumps into camera, causing discernible wobble.
* Fox cuts to Jim Webb looking crazy.
One booze hit, one bong hit if Bush:
* Says "freedom loving people" and "Iraq" in same sentence.
* Repeats same bullshit about oil dependence from last year.
* Makes first malapropism.
* Starts frantically blinking.
Do a shot when:
* CNN cuts to Nancy Pelosi frowning or wagging her finger.
* Fox anchor calls Obama "Osama."
* Abandoned CSPAN camera stays on closed door for 60 seconds or more.
* Cheney gives his first curled-lip scowl.
Chug your beer or down your wine or do two shots when:
* Audible boos regarding Iraq.
* Audible boos regarding taxes on health care benefits.
* Audible "fuck you!" from House side.
* Fox cuts to Harry Reid playing pocket pool.
Pop two valiums and punch your roommate when:
* Cheney clutches his chest and sags forward.
Do a rail and put on a Sabbath CD when:
* Bush falsely claims God favors America in anything.
Demand heroin from your coke dealer and throw butcher knife at the cat:
* Pelosi laughs when Bush talks about dead troops.
Three shots, two rails, shoot your TV and drive through neighbor's living room:
* Bush says state of the union is "wrong."
Hooray for Democracy! Please add your own variations in the comments -- especially tonight as you're inventing and practicing said variations.