Before we start with this year's greatest-ever Official Wonkette SOTU Drinking Game, let's all remember to play fair and play mean. Here are the Rules:

* A "hit" (or "sip" for girls) is the basic unit of drinking of no offense to anybody.

* A "shot" is the standard 1.5-ounce serving of hard liquor; If your shot glass has a line midway around it, this is the 1-ounce level. Go ahead and add another half ounce.

* A "chug" is the act of consuming your entire beverage -- usually beer -- in a single terrible gulp.

* "Valium" is the trademarked name for the now-generic prescription benzodiazepine derivative. Substitute any Rx downer in your medicine cabinet if Diazepam is not available.

* A "rail" is two 1.5-inch-long lines of cocaine or methamphetamine. Get it, like a little railroad! But in these more innocent days, most people mean a single line when they say "rail." We mean two lines.

* If you don't have a gun, keep a heavy cast-iron skillet and a box of rat poison near your television.

Let the games begin, after the jump ....

Take a hit when:

* News anchor mumbles incoherently about "the speech of this president's mmm bbl mmmm."

* "Political analyst" brings up any SOTU before Eisenhower.

* Fat congressman bumps into camera, causing discernible wobble.

* Fox cuts to Jim Webb looking crazy.

One booze hit, one bong hit if Bush:

* Says "freedom loving people" and "Iraq" in same sentence.

* Repeats same bullshit about oil dependence from last year.

* Makes first malapropism.

* Starts frantically blinking.

Do a shot when:

* CNN cuts to Nancy Pelosi frowning or wagging her finger.

* Fox anchor calls Obama "Osama."

* Abandoned CSPAN camera stays on closed door for 60 seconds or more.

* Cheney gives his first curled-lip scowl.

Chug your beer or down your wine or do two shots when:

* Audible boos regarding Iraq.

* Audible boos regarding taxes on health care benefits.

* Audible "fuck you!" from House side.

* Fox cuts to Harry Reid playing pocket pool.

Pop two valiums and punch your roommate when:

* Cheney clutches his chest and sags forward.

Do a rail and put on a Sabbath CD when:

* Bush falsely claims God favors America in anything.

Demand heroin from your coke dealer and throw butcher knife at the cat:

* Pelosi laughs when Bush talks about dead troops.

Three shots, two rails, shoot your TV and drive through neighbor's living room:

* Bush says state of the union is "wrong."

Hooray for Democracy! Please add your own variations in the comments -- especially tonight as you're inventing and practicing said variations.