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Wonkette wrote words at ya earlier about how the White House is furiously trying to pretend James Mattis and John Kelly didn't say those very mean things they obviously said about President Sundowner, as reported in Bob Woodward's new page-turner book Fear. They also want us to believe Trump didn't call Jeff Sessions "mentally retarded," uh huh OK, sure, you bet.

In this blog post, Wonkette would like to CONNECT THE DOTS between two news stories about Trump and his fragile state of mind. The first comes in the transcript of his bugfuck insane interview with the Daily Caller.


Trump is discussing why he didn't hire Robert Mueller as his FBI director. After citing his "business dispute" with Mueller (something about greens fees at one of his tacky-ass resorts), Trump explained further:

[H]e's Comey's best friend.

Actually that is something Trump believes, but as usual, Trump is full of shit. But let's move on:

And I could give you 100 pictures of him and Comey hugging and kissing each other. You know, he's Comey's best friend.

O RLY? Donald Trump has "100 pictures" of Robert Mueller and James Comey making gay mouths? Aside from the fact that the president is clearly hallucinating and needs to be Constitution-ed out of the Oval Office and into a nursing home, where does Donald Trump think he has these pictures? Are they in his office? Are they on the Resolute Desk, underneath all the documents his aides are gonna steal when he's not looking, so he can't break the world any further by signing them?

We are just asking questions, about Donald Trump's "100 pictures" of Comey and Mueller making nookie, which definitely exist.

The second fun news story comes from Gabe Sherman in Vanity Fair, which tells us just how GRRR ARGH Trump is right now about the Woodward book:

"It's pandemonium. He literally isn't talking to anyone. He's canceled meetings and is on the phone calling up his friends," one source said.

OMG we are so jealous of White House staffers right now! What does America have to do to get the silent treatment from Donald Trump? For real, America calls him a fucking moron CONSTANTLY, and yet he's ALWAYS THERE YELLING AT CLOUDS IN OUR FACE.

Sherman says Trump is so mad about the stories of everybody calling him a moron and everybody treating him like a fucking baby manchild who needs to be controlled. Of course, nobody in the White House is buying the idea that Woodward got anything wrong:

"Everybody on the inside knows it's true. It's just Fox News people who don't want to admit how crazy he is."

Now, Wonkette is just trying to do the most serious analysis we can here, but if you put the story of Trump's imaginary "100 pictures" of Comey and Mueller doing tongues to each other together with the story of Trump being so mad about the Woodward book that he's refusing to talk to anybody, we can only responsibly wildly speculate that Trump is locked in the Oval right now with no pants on hallucinating/masturbating to his "100 pictures" of Comey and Mueller playing horizontal panty hockey with each other, because that's just what normal presidents do all the time on Wednesdays.

Think we're wrong? PROVE IT, IVANKA.

This has been a news analysis blog post from Wonkette dot com.

[The Daily Caller / Vanity Fair]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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Last week, Yr Dok Zoom talked a little bit about his damn dissertation, which looked at "Wabbit Literacy," the weird thing where we sometimes learn about the world from parodies and jokes long before we ever encounter the original stuff -- like learning about opera from cartoons. More than one person in the comments (which Wonkette does not allow and yet, like life, you find a way) mentioned they were disappointed, as kids, to learn that while roadrunners are real birds, the actual critter looks nothing like this:

Which is not to say that real roadrunners are the least bit disappointing, as animals go, because they're freaking incredible. Yes, even if they don't actually leave lines of flame down the center line of desert highways and go "Meep! Meep!" But they can sprint up to 20 miles per hour, which is faster than you, albeit slower than a real coyote's top speed. Also, yes, real coyotes are among the predators what eat roadrunners, which is why the wily birds adopted the evolutionary strategy of running right through fake tunnels coyotes paint on the sides of mountains.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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